Happy Woman Parody/Satire

Well that's not true, Jenna can't follow a thought for more than a second so you won't be missing a thing. (And quite frankly that attitude is the reason you are not a neurosurgeon.)

Click here for a week by week guide with diary excerpts.

Jenna's Diary

Note to Jenna fans - after three years Jenna is going to be going on hiatus. She will (hopefully) return in September. We will be rerunning the diary from the very beginning through the summer Don't miss the finale next week!

May 30

I've spent most of the week dropping into Alfredo's as often as I can and that guy Joel is definitely interested in me. I can just tell by the way he says "That'll 4.99." He says it really flirtatiously not "That'll be 4.99." he says "That'll be 4.99." which is so different.

Yesterday I thought I'd get things rolling and said "Can you recommend any gum that will give me fresh breath on the set?" and he said "Clorets."

Maybe if I'd said movie set it would have gone further but people in the biz don't say that. They say "the set". Damn. Oh well even without him knowing about my movie career I know he is quite taken with me. Unfortunately because of our age difference I think he may be too shy to ask me out so I guess it's all up to me.

I've noticed he leaves work at seven so maybe I'll accidentally bump into him as he leaves and ask him out for a drink.

June 2

I went out for a bite to eat with Ali and we had a lot of fun - so much fun in fact that If it wasn't for Joel I might seriously consider a fling with him.

He's not incredibly good-looking, he has a little bald patch and a bit of a paunch but he really seems the type who will adore me, and I could use some adoration right now. I need a good old fashioned love 'em and leave 'em ego-boost right now.

We're going out for dinner on Friday which is good because there is absolutely nothing on TV.

June 5

Wow! Woo hoo! I just got a call from the Performer's Centre and....

I have my first movie role!!!!

Wow, David must have recommended me! It's a MOW which means movie of the week to those not in the biz. It's about some famous court case in the 80's and I'm supposed to bring three changes of clothes. I can't bring any bold colours or black and white and they have to be 80's fashions. It's going to be a 3- 5 day shoot.I have to be on the set June 9th at 7:15 and ask for Camilla.

Oh, my gosh I'm so excited I can hardly breathe!

I feel like phoning Rod and rubbing his face in it. Here I am going to be in my first movie and I didn't even have to audition!

I'm not sure what the part is yet but I'm sure they'll tell me when I get there. I can do a really good glamorous mysterious woman and I'm really good at yelling. I can't cry on cue but I can throw things around. I don't think I'll tell the director my limitations, I think I'll just get my script and then bring all my best stuff to it. That way even if he wants me to cry he'll be so blown away by my yelling or glamor that it won't be an issue.

Now, where am I going to find 80's clothes?

June 7

I asked my mom for time off so I could be in the movie and I almost blew it. I completely forgot that I she doesn't know that I traded in the web design course for this acting course. She asked me how I got a role in a movie and I was midway through my eye-roll big huff of breath hand on hip exasperated pose that I always use whenever she doesn't keep up with events in my life when it dawned on me she really did not know.

I covered well by saying a talent scout discovered me at the grocery store. I don't think she totally believed me but she agree to give me the time off if I used it as part of my holiday. That's a big gyp if you ask me. Holiday's are for relaxing not for emoting your head off on a movie set but she didn't budge. I was going to quit but I think I'll wait until this movie is finished.

I told Jenny and she was really happy for me. She said she can always say "I knew her when!" Jenny is so sweet. She was so sweet that I even listened to her problems for a while, I figured "What the heck" she's got some sort of stomach flu and she whined on for a while about the fine texture of her stools and the poor consistency of her vomit. Blech - I don't know what it is -once women have kids all of a sudden they start talking about bodily functions as if they were normal.

It got a little iffy when I asked her if I could borrow some of her clothes for the shoot as mine were far too fashionable but I smoothed it over by offering to give her a film credit.

God, I'm on top of the world! Is there anything I can't do?

June 9

Ergh.

I timed it perfectly. I got to Alfredo's at five minutes after seven and literally bumped into Joel- in fact the jolt knocked me off my feet.. He was very concerned and said "Are you all right ma'am"

Ma'am? MA'AM? MA'AM!!!!!

Aside from the "ma'am" two other things kept me from asking him out: The skateboard under his arm and the teenager who grabbed his arm and said "Honey you should be more careful! That's how my aunt broke her hip!"

I will never go to Alfredo's again.

Ali it is then.

June 10

We went to the casino and had a riot! Ali really loves gambling and I discovered a no-fail system for the slot machines and won 25 bucks! Whoo hoo!

Ali goes to the casino at least twice a week and at first this concerned me but then I realized it has nothing to do with me. He can blow his money any way he wants (I'm especially supportive when the money is blown on me!) He also enjoys drinking which I'm very happy about because I don't trust non-drinkers. It's not that I'm a hoochhead but I really enjoy letting go occasionally and booze makes me a little less inhibited.

After he dropped me off we had some wine and smooched a bit. It wasn't bad! It wasn't heart stopping, toe curling or spine tingling but it was nice. He asked me if I was busy next weekend but I told him I'd have to get back to him.

I haven't got my new TV guide yet so it's hard to plan.

June 12

What a balls up.

OK, so I show up at the set ON TIME and I ask for Camilla. I'm shepherded out to this trailer. They asked to see my clothes and and the wardrobe woman said "No, these won't do. Checks, plaids, stripes - they'll make you stand out."

Hello? Of course that's why I chose them? They gave me a dowdy big shouldered suit that made me look like drag queen. After I was dressed I asked when we'd get our scripts she looked at me like I was from Mars. She told me to head down the hall to the cafeteria.

When I got there, there were about 300 people milling about. I asked somebody with a clipboard where I'd find Camilla and he pointed to a short chunky woman with a mullet. I went over introduced myself (I'm only going by Jenna - you know like Cher) and she told me to have a seat they'd call us when they were ready.

I asked her when I was going to get my script and she barked "Get a load of Meryl Streep" everyone around her laughed and then she told me "Look hon, this must be your first day but extras don't get scripts."

Yeesh. I felt like an idiot. Sure I knew that success in acting follows the ECSM formula (extra work, commercials, sitcom, movies) but because David had recommended me and because of my extraordinary talent I thought I could skip the first three steps.

We had to sit in a courtroom and pretend to listen. It was OK - even interesting for the first ten minutes but after that it was dead BORING.The suit I was wearing was wool and the temperature in the courtroom was about 90 degrees. I'm not sure what the movie was about but the "star" was some woman from a 70's sitcom, Gimme a Stroke or something. She was on trial for killing her drug addicted stalker husband.

David always said you had to make yourself stand out in the eyes of the director but it's really hard to do when your in the 10th row. I thought maybe my professional manner would shine through so I sat quietly but then I realized everyone was doing that, so I thought I would bowl him over with my acting skills.

I listened and reacted to every word they said until my face got sore and I fell asleep.

I have THREE MORE DAYS of this! God, when I really make it big no one - NO ONE- can say I didn't suffer.

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