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Jenna's
Diary
Oct
13
I
just got up. It's 3:30. I'm going back to bed.
Oct
14
Finally
had to eat something. I ate four Triscuits and four squirts of whipped cream.
The nozzle was clogged and blew the rest in my face and hair
I
don't care.
Oct
15
The
phone is ringing more now than it did when I was alive.
Tomorrow
I'll change the message but now I'm too tired.
Oct
16
Someone
came pounding on my door somewhere between noon and midnight I was hoping
it was a serial killer but I didn't want to get up because I might not get
back to sleep.
Oct
17
I
listened to my messages. My mother phoned about 60 billion times but she doesn't
get the point of answering machines so she just yells "Jenna is that
you?" about 50 times before she hangs up. Maidex wants their vacuum back
and Michael called saying he was worried about me.
Last
week I would have felt angry, triumphant, or embarrassed that he phoned but
I don't feel anything now except itchy. The whipped cream has been flaking
for a couple of days and it smells pretty bad.
It
just figures that he'd pull up as I was balling my eyes out on the street
trying to put the crevice tool back together. I cried all the way home and
he kept asking me questions but I couldn't answer him. He lugged the vacuum
into my apartment and then I don't know what he did because I went to bed
and stayed there.
Which
reminds me, I'm pretty tired.
Oct
18
I
woke up to someone yelling my name and pounding at the door. I was really
pissed off that someone would show up right in the middle of the day when
people are trying to sleep.
It
was Michael. I must smell pretty bad because he backed up once he got upwind
of me.
He
started telling me how concerned he was and that he didn't want to tell my
mother because he knew what kind of relationship I had with her but if I hadn't
answered the door he was going to get into contact with her or the police.
I
went back to bed.
He
woke me up a while later with a bowl of Campbell's pea soup and a cheese and
tomato sandwich.
I
didn't realize how hungry I was, those Triscuits had been pretty filling but
I wolfed down the soup and sandwich and it was delicious.
He'd
drawn a bath for me a not so subtle hint, but I didn't mind because my pillows
were starting to smell like Roquefort.
The
bath made me feel a little more lifelike and I was surprised to find that
I'd lost some weight. After the bath he bundled me up on the couch.
He
told me that he didn't want to interfere, but something was terribly wrong
and he wanted to know what happened and if he could help.
I
dozed off on the couch and when I woke up he was gone.
Oct
19
I've
been trying to put it off but I've got to reexamine my life. I always hate
it when I hear people say that. It's usually from some navel-gazer who is
too busy doing that to actually live. But what I'm doing doesn't seem to be
working. I've got to make a list.
So
far the good things that have happened this year.
I
inherited the cottage.
I
was able to help my mother.
I
got the job with Mr. Van Heusan.
I
became a Christian.
I
got the job at Maidex.
I
fell in love briefly.
The
bad things that have happened.
I
went to the cottage and gave Michael head lice.
I
helped my mother by setting her up with Mr. Van Heusan and then I had to quit.
I
forgot all about becoming a Christian.
I
got the job at Maidex and traipsed all over town with a 50 LB vacuum with
all accessories and ended up with a warning from the police.
I
fell in love with some sort of stalker. I had romantic fantasies like I've
never had before, I imagined my life with him, I almost forced him to come
into my home and then he rejected me....I don't think I can even fully explore
that yet.
The
good and the bad are evenly weighed and intertwined.
If
I can only find out what it is I'm doing that actually tips the scale the
other way, the wrong way maybe I won't be doomed to repeat my mistakes but
there is just way too much to think about and I just can't. It hurts too much.
Michael
came over with some fried chicken and we watched TV.
I
like TV it's good.
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© 2000 www.happywomanmagazine.com
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