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Oct 20
I can't sleep.
I toss and turn but nothing. I don't know if it's the extra 25 hours of sleep
that I got this week or if it's the weather but I just can't sleep and there
is absolutely nothing on TV.
I've lost five
pounds, all of it from my boobs. I can look straight down and see my belly
button. That was only interesting for a while.
I am going to
get my life back on track. I'm going to make out another list when it doesn't
hurt my head to think.
Is is it possible
to get bed sores from a couch?
Oct 21
It was such a
beautiful day today. I just had to get out I'd been cooped up too long.The
fresh air threw me a little at first but the dizziness passed after a few
minutes.
I took a walk
down by the lake and it was sooooo depressing. Mother's and babies, couple
walking hand in hand, all enjoying the brisk air and the sunshine.
It was so lonely
being out there with everyone. I sat on a park bench watching all those happy
people and feeding the pigeons until one crapped on my head and I went home.
I didn't realize
how much my apartment smelled like bad breath and Asiago cheese.
Oct 23
So much for my
Maidex family. You take a few sick days and the next thing they threaten legal
action for the return of the vacuum.
Michael drove
me there this morning. He is really getting on my nerves but it was better
than taking the bus.
The first thing
I noticed when I went into Jack's office was that he took my picture down.
I don't know why that bugged me but it did. It was like being put up for adoption
without anyone telling you.
Jack paced up
and down railing on about responsibility, then Michael chimes in with his
67 cents about Maidex taking advantage of the elderly.
I was really
mad because I didn't feel it was his place to say it-- it was mine, but when
I had the opportunity to speak my piece all I could come up with is "the
crevice tool is broken." So I guess it was a good thing.
Oct 24
OK some sobering
facts. No job, no money. I'd never really linked the two before.
Oct 25
I thought I'd
call my mom this morning. I haven't returned any of her calls and I thought
that she was probably imagining me rotting in the apartment.
I told her that
I was OK and she jumped in with "where are the keys to the back office
filing cabinet?"
What kind of
mother doesn't even have the decency to imagine her daughter dead? I could
have been lying on the kitchen floor decomposing with rats gnawing on my entrails
and maggots crawling out of my eye sockets.
Michael is really
pissing me off. He pops over at least once a day to see if I'm OK. When I
forget myself and start yakking on about all the things that bother me he
just looks at me understandingly and nods.
It make me want
to strangle him.
Who does he think
he is? I feel like he's made me some sort of special project just like he
did when mom and Aimee got all whacked out about Precious Moments.
I tried to pick
a fight with him for no other reason than to gain the upper hand but all I
came up with was. "You're a big dork."
It didn't have
the impact that I expected because he just laughed.
I'm going to
have to make a list.
Oct 26
It's not fair,
it's just not fair.
I went to the
office today to drop off the keys, and they hired someone else!
Someone else
was sitting in my chair at my desk doing what probably would have been my
job if I had felt like doing it.
Mr. Van Heusan
at least had the decency to apologize but my mother just said "Jenna
you quit and aside from that you never did anything here but crossword puzzles."
That is completely
beside the point! This was all my idea. If I hadn't linked them up, where
would she be now?
I was so furious
I almost refused their lunch invitation but I was hungry and it was Vesuvio's
my favourite restaurant but I figured I'd get her back by sulking all the
way through the meal.
I sat in stony
silence and no one even noticed.
It seems the
business is doing very, very well she talked on and on about percentages,
growth etc. and then she reaches over takes Mr. Van Heusan's hand and announces
that he has moved in with her.
I almost choked
on my Polenta.
It was one thing
when I thought it was a harmless flirtation but now?
I felt bile rise
in my throat as her and Mr.Van Heusan sat looking at each other with boo-boo
faces. I was the one who got them together, I was the one who came up with
the idea of selling the Precious Moments and I've just spent one of the worst
weeks of life and she picks this time to find me a new daddy?
It was too much.
My voice was very calm as I said to Mr. Van Heusan, "What about your
wife?"
I had an image
of my mother's eyes going boooiiiiiinnnnnng and Mr. Van Heusan going purple
as my mother slaps his face and orders him from her sight.
My mother turns
to me tearfully and says "Oh, Jenna, how could I have been such a fool?
Oh, honey what have I done? Thank you sweetheart for saving me I've been so
selfish there must be something I can do for you."
I take a sip
of my wine and say, "Mom, I really could use a bit of a loan to tide
me over" and she slaps the table and says " how much do you need?
And forget this loan business--Jenna I owe you everything".
I was so caught
up in imagining that, that I missed what was actually going on at the table
and had to have them repeat it.
Apparently Mr.
Van Heusan has been a widower for years. I'd heard him mention his father-in-law
and I just assumed that he was still married but the wife, the great big road
block to my mother's happiness and my last ace in the hole, was neatly removed
years ago.
They started
talking about their plans for the future, their plans for the business, their
plans for me in the business, vacation plans. There were plans right up the
wazoo.
I ordered a second
Tiramisu but didn't eat it.
It seemed a bit
more rebellious when I did it.
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© 2000 www.happywomanmagazine.com
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