Dec 2

What am I supposed to do about Christmas? Is it expected for me to buy gifts for my brand new family? Where am I supposed to go?

I know my mom and Mr. Van Heusan are probably expecting me to come, but I'm still so pissed off at her for screwing up my reality that I think I might play hard to get.

Also, it's gonna be pretty hard to watch Mr. Van Heusan sit in our house, where my father--or the guy who I thought was my father--used to sit and do the things he used to do. Which I frankly don't remember all that well, but I do have a vague memory of him opening presents and murmuring that's lovely kitten--but I'm not sure if it was him or Ward Cleaver.

Still I think there'll probably be some trauma involved and I hope that is reflected in my gift.

Dec 3

Megan called me today to ask how I was doing and it gave me the creeps. She was so nice that I felt the hair on my neck go up.

Because I'm a novice, I'm not sure if that's how you are supposed to feel when your sister calls but I don't think so.

She invited me to their house for Christmas but I could tell by the way she said it that they didn't really expect me to come.

Then, out of the blue she starts asking me questions about Michael, are we involved, what does he do, etc.

She laughed when I told her that he was nothing to me, that he was just a nuisance. I told her how he's always hovering around wanting people to talk things out, how's he's always wanting to know if you're Ok. I told her like clockwork he would appear outside my work and then we'd go to my place where he'd fix everything that was broken.

Then she asked me for his phone number.

Very weird.

Maybe she just needs some repairs done. That's possible. After all Michael is not the kind of guy you pant after. He's more the kind of guy you get to pick up your pants at the dry-cleaner.

Dec 4

Jenny and Irene came over, it was a "girl's night out". I guess with Jenny being pregnant and Irene besotted they couldn't think of anywhere else to go. Former wild women are really uninventive.

They burbled and babbled senselessly--what has happened to them?

To me a "girl's night out" is a chance to get really drunk and talk about what losers other people are.

But to them girl's out night is some sort of day pass from their relationships and they're being careful not to break parole.

Every time they mentioned Irene's wedding they would squeal and sigh---I felt like I was in a scene from Pleasantville. Then Jenny would take her share of the burbles by claiming she felt a kick at which point we were fully expected to rush over to feel her stomach.

I've never ever had the urge to feel anyone's stomach. People who do that are the same people who shake presents to guess what's in the box. I'd rather just open them, and since Jenny already knows what's in there I can't see what the big deal is.

Jenny drank 4 Fruitopia's and got a sugar rush, Irene got loopy on Evian (she's just got to lose ten pounds by the big day) and I drank some Bols Advocat that I got as a present four years ago and didn't drink because I didn't know what it was. I still don't know what it is but I got a bit of a buzz.

My face is so sore from pretending to smile. I have nothing in common with them anymore and it would probably be best if we all went our own way, but I'm officially out of friends and I need whatever ones I've got even if I don't like them anymore.

Dec 6

This is awful and I don't know why.

Megan phoned me to tell me that she and Michael had their first date.

Their first date.

It took me ages to absorb that while she gushed on an on like Gidget on a princess telephone.

My hand was shaking when I hung up the phone.

She went out with Michael and she's going out with him again. They are going out. With each other. Michael and Megan. Megan and Michael. He's going to be fixing her things and picking her up and asking her to talk things out and if she gives him head lice he will never mention it.

Why do I feel like I've been hit with a plank?