Jenna's Diary appears every Friday.

Dec 22

Can I sink any lower? Probably not. My head is throbbing and thinking just makes it worse.

I had everything organized. Michael was coming at 8:00 so I planned to put the chicken in the oven to reheat at 7:20, and have the veggies all cut up and ready to steam.

At 7:59 he showed up and headed straight for the broken sink. I started steaming the vegetables poured two glasses of wine and leaned against the counter looking very cute and interested and waited for the dinner to cook.

This was my cue to say "I'm just throwing together something for dinner--are you hungry?" and that was his cue to say "why, yes. That would be great.

I delivered my lines flawlessly but evidently he hadn't read the script. He told me me that he's meeting someone for a bite to eat later--that's why he wanted to get through this as quickly as possible.

I didn't know what to do, so I gulped my wine and then poured another, then another then possibly another.

A million thoughts were going through my head and they all featured Michael and Megan together. Occasionally one would feature me sitting alone under the Christmas tree or kissing a waiter at midnight on New Year, but most of the thoughts involved Michael and Megan. I don't know how long I stood their torturing myself but long enough to let the chicken burn.

The smoke from the oven gave me a fine excuse to let go and and cry.

And boy did I.. Not one of those Demi Moore single tear falling down a brave face type of cry. No this was a full blow out big snot-bubble drooly cry.

He led me to the couch and tried to explain that a lot of people burn dinners not just me. He is such a clueless idiot. The more he talked the more I cried. He put his arms around me and I made my move.

I lunged and my tongue was like a heat-seeking missile. Gone were thoughts of gentle seduction and kittenish poses, this was my last resort.

I think Michael was taken aback because three times he tried to get up to go but I had the superhuman strength that a mother has when a car falls on her kid. After about ten minutes he started to respond and we did it.

It wasn't pretty but we did it. Afterwards there wasn't any of the snuggle bunny pillow talk it was awkwardly quiet and horribly polite.

Michael was completely withdrawn and I just wanted him to go with the hopes that we never, ever see each other again. It was only when he said "oh, God, what have I done? that the thoughts of him going were pushed out.

He got up, got dressed and sat on the couch with his head in his hands. After much coaxing he told me that he felt awful. He didn't know that I knew that he was seeing Megan so I acted appropriately shocked and dismayed. It was a good thing to do because he stopped thinking about how he betrayed her started thinking about what he done to me.

I found myself getting so caught up in it I was starting to believe it, so when he looked at his watch and said he had to go, he was late for meeting Megan--I was almost frothing.

I cried some more but this time it was much prettier, I told him that had I had known.... and I can't believe you're seeing her right after we.... what kind of man are you?

Michael was a mess when he left and I was really tired, pretty drunk and a little bit hungry.

Dec 23

I have got to know what's going on but I don't want to phone him. I'm not going to chase him. After all he's the one who led me on and took advantage of me.

There are only two shopping days left and I have to know whether I have a boyfriend or not.

Dec 24

My mother has been bugging the crap out of me. She's been leaving about six messages day for the past week.

It was a mistake to insinuate that I might be spending Christmas Day with a special someone but it would serve her right after all she has put me through this year.

The last message said she wants to know one way or the other what the plans are because if I'm not coming over she and Mr. Van Heusan are going to go to the casino again.

Apparently they had such a ball on Thanksgiving that they feel holiday's are lucky. She went on to to say did I know what preparing a Christmas dinner involved--no of course I didn't because I've never done it--and she just can't cross her arms and blink and it's done, it takes a lot of work and all I have to do is show up and eat it so she can't see why I won't give her an answer.....blah, blah, blah.

I finally gave in and left a message for Michael. It really galled me but what can I do?

My father has invited me over for drinks at seven Christmas Day after dinner. Drinks! Like they have a no bastard children for dinner rule.

I feel like Tiny Tim except I'm not lame and I don't have parents who treasure me.

5:00

Well, Michael's not getting a present that's for sure--unless he calls before midnight. Then I can whip out and buy him some windshield wiper fluid or a lock de-icer. I'm getting pretty mad.

I bought three bottles of wine, some wrapping paper and a tree-like plant.

7:00

I wrapped Mr. Van Heusan singing fish and was just about to wrap my mother's present of Simple Abundance when I realized that my Aunt Josie had written an inscription. I tried to white it out but it just made the page chunky so I took a razor and cut the whole page out.

Thinking of Aunt Josie gave me a great idea--maybe Michael and me could head out to the cottage for New Year! It would be so romantic, there's been a ton of snow. We could bring up some wine and sit in front of the fire and then we'd look into each others eyes...OK maybe we'd just play scrabble instead but I can't think of anything more romantic.

9:00

I've called 12 times and he isn't home, just that stupid answering machine. He's probably over at his mother's place they are pretty close. Maybe he'll spend Christmas Eve with her to get it out of the way.

I was kind of thinking it would be a better idea for him to come here first then we could both go over to his mother's for dinner but since he's being a jerk I didn't get a chance to give him my opinion.

I'm only giving him one more hour and then I'm phoning my mom.

That Christmas tree/plant looks like crap and smells worse.

Dec 25

This is the absolute without a doubt worst Christmas of my life.

I called my mother's place at 11:30 and they weren't home!!! They had a singing message--20 seconds of my mom saying "I don't think this is on" followed by them singing "We wish you a merry ca-ching, we wish you a merry ca-ching"...on and on until "we're off to the casino best of health to you and best of wealth for us!"

What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't even have anything to eat in the house except a box of macaroni and cheese and 50 chestnuts that I don't even know how I got.

No presents to open, none. What kind of mother leaves her only child, the fruit of her loins all alone, abandoned on Christmas Day!

Michael hasn't called me.

This is a disaster and there is absolutely nothing on TV except Christmas crap and even though I've put the Christmas tree/plant out on the balcony it still stinks.

I got dressed to go out, but I couldn't figure out where, everything's closed.

I phoned Jenny and Irene but they weren't home, I even phoned Brittany and she was home but I hung up.

I am soooooooooo alone.

Dec 26

Just when you think things can't get worse they do.

At 6:30 driven by hunger and loneliness I headed over to my father's place. Bad move. It wasn't only that I got the fisheye from Lily his wife but they were upset that I hadn't phoned to RSVP.

I know this because they mentioned it over twenty times before I even got my coat off. What is the big freaking deal? It's for drinks for crying out loud. Did they only buy 22 oz bottles of wine instead of 26? I was tempted to leave but amidst much fluttering and "let's put the best face on this" attempts I was led into the living room.

Catherine was there looking like doped cow with those two slobbery brats of hers and in the corner snug as two bugs were Megan and Michael.

I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It never entered my mind that he would be there, not for one moment. He looked like I was someone he thought he'd murdered and buried in the backyard.

I don't know how I did it, but I did. There was no way on earth that I was going to let him think he had hurt me. I was charming, simply charming.

Megan was attached to Michael like he was an IV line and he turned into a clumsy buffoon. Everyone was teasing him about needing more fruit in his diet. It made me die inside when I realized this was an inside joke.

He has inside jokes with my new family. They are treating him like he belongs and treating me like a stray cat.

He is choosing her over me.

They didn't even get me a card.

Dec 26

I went to the pharmacy and was going to buy six bottles of aspirin but instead bought four boxes of chocolate. Both will kill me one just takes longer.

Dec 27

My mother and Mr. Van Heusan insisted I come over. I refused, then my mother called back to say "I think Santa was here when we were out and left some presents for Jenna!"

I realized you can't stay mad for at someone forever and went over.

I decided to be very reserved. It was simply not right to abandon me on the most important family day of the year. Aside from that I've decided that the two of them living together is morally wrong. It wasn't hard to maintain a dignified posture because I was so nauseated from yesterday's chocolate.

Mr. Van Heusan said he absolutely loved Billy the big mouthed bass which made me realize what a weenie he is. My mom opened her gift and said she loved it---she couldn't leave it alone of course she had to say "didn't Aunt Josie get you a book like this last year..." but she shut up when she saw my face.

While they were opening their presents I kept looking for the bounty labled "Jenna" but there was squat. This made me even madder so when Mr. Van Heusan and mom asked me to help them move some furniture in the bedroom I flat out refused.

They coaxed and prodded and pleaded until I lurched over to the bedroom

They got me a computer.

A brand spanking new computer. All the bells and whistles just for me.

I love them.

Dec 29

IM tipig8 THis ON myyy New computerrr. ig haf losds of frautres! I looVe TI!!!