Jenna's Diary appears every Friday.

Jan 12

We went to Sproinks and sang Karaoke it was great except the the songs were off tune. I needed a lot of courage to sing 'I Will Survive" so I got a little bit tipsy.

We came back to my place and Jim stayed over. We didn't do anything though because a) I want us to take this slowly and b) I was getting bedspins.

Jan 13

It is so nice to wake up next to someone and not wonder what they are doing there.

I'm meeting Jenny downtown at Lucy's to see bridesmaids dresses for Irene's wedding.That is always the worst. One minute they're your friend and the next minute they are making you wear a parasol.

I do think she's leaving it a little late though, the wedding is in two weeks.

Jan 14

Oh man, why do I bother?

We went to see the dresses and I was pretty surprised to find out they were actually nice! Jenny tried one on and she looked kind of bloated and pregnant and then I tried on on and I looked bloated and pregnant too! I think a lot of it had to do with the store lighting and their dopy mirrors. I'm sure once they let it out a bit it will look just fine.

What really depressed me was Jenny and the seamstress Maria started arguing. Maria said that I was fatter than the other and that I should have been in a long time ago, there was no guarantee now and Jenny was yelling that she didn't realize how much weight I put on that it wasn't Irene's fault and so, on.

It is hard to defend yourself when you don't really know what they're talking about and I did try to tell them about the mirrors, but more than anything I wanted to find out who the "other' was.

Jenny called Irene on her cell and they had a hushed panicky discussion. We then put a 50% deposit on each of the dresses and left the boutique.

I pestered Jenny all the way down Young St. about who the other woman was until finally she gave in.

It turns out the 'other' is Shelly, a woman Irene works with.

I was a replacement. A last minute replacement. A fat last minute replacement.

Jan 15

I'm so mad. I don't want to be in her big stupid wedding now.

I thought she was leaving everything until the last minute but she had ordered these dresses months ago.

I feel cheap and used. I'm going to get my deposit back on Monday and then I'm going to white out Irene from my diary and never talk to her again.

Jan 16

I feel a bit better. After I found out the boutique will not refund the deposits under any circumstance I called Irene.

She was so apologetic. She said that she should have told me (YES) but she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Shelly dropped out because she is getting transferred and with moving and all she felt she couldn't dedicate herself to the task.

Irene said the reason she didn't ask me in the first place is that we weren't speaking but that she had really wanted to ask me. She was so happy when I accepted--she knew she could count on me when it came down to it--(which is true I'm really goodhearted) that they wouldn't enjoy the wedding without me being part of it (So true, I am a riot) and that my organizational skills would really come in handy: in fact they'd be lost without me. (That is so completely true).

We cried a bit, and now everything's OK again. I'm glad she appreciates what a terrific person I am.

I'm glad that's all over now, I've got to find something to wear for tomorrow night for dinner at my alleged father's house.

I want to be knockdown flat-out sexy in an elegant kind of way. I want Michael to just die inside at what he's passed over and I want Megan's brains to curdle with jealousy.

Just a regular family dinner.

Jan 17

I looked OK not great but I felt my ace in the hole was Jim.

Megan and Michael or M&M as they are called--how vomit-making-- were late so I had time to sit and talk to Lillian and Catherine. My father was pacing up and down adjusting his watch putting his ear to the grandfather clock. It must be awful to be an efficiency expert it certainly is for those of us around him.

Catherine is pretty nice. She didn't have her kids with her this time so she seemed a little less bovine. Lillian as usual looked at me as if I had stepped in something before I came in.

I got Catherine an antique linen pillow case for her birthday. Paige gave me a great discount after I spilled mustard on it. I cut out the corner with the stain and Catherine was delighted.

M&M (yuck) came in about twenty minutes late. While Michael was apologizing to my father Megan came over to us to say "the lost track of time" with a salacious grin and a wink. (YUCK).

I grabbed Jim's arm and waited to catch Michael's eye. He might have been surprised it was hard to tell because he was so busy looking at Megan.

I kept stopping in the middle of dinner to give Jim a little snuggle and Catherine piped up with? So, it looks like you guys are pretty serious!

Michael was busy buttering a roll and didn't seem to have heard so I rephrased the question for his benefit.

He gave absolutely no reaction so I panicked and said. "Yes, we are!!!" maybe a little too heartily because even Jim looked surprised.

Do I hear wedding bells? I suspect Catherine hears bells most of the time but I think it worked to my benefit.

I gave a very coy smile and snuggled Jim again. He looked like he was going to protest, but I overturned my water glass.

I think Michael was pretty shocked.

Whoo Hoo! That'll show the big loser!

The only sour note was after dinner. We were sitting in the family room and Jim noticed a 9" colour TV on the bookcase. He asked Catherine about it and she told them they got it for Dad's office but he never used it because he thinks TV is a waste of time. Jim rubbed his hands together and asked. "Can I have it?". They all laughed.

Then he asked again.

And again.

And again.

Jan 18

Things couldn't be worse. Why can't things ever go right for even five seconds? I make up with Irene and everything's swell and now this? What is this giant loser cloud that I'm traveling under?

Jim came over for dinner. I knew he was getting close to the end of his life story and I was pretty excited. That is until he came to the end of it.

In a nutshell: things he's told me and things I've been able to figure out:

Age: 33

Hobbies: Talking about and finding himself.

Family: Has a mother and three brothers that he hasn't spoken to in 10 years. Father deceased.

Long term goals: To live in a mansion and own a Jaguar.

Short term goals: In the next two years he wants to travel around the world.

What he does for a living: He is on welfare.

How long has he been on it: 15 YEARS.

WHY: He can't deal with the stress of having a full time job and part time jobs screw up his sleep.

That certainly explains the "my cheque hasn't come in yet" part. For some reason I thought maybe it was from a trust fund. I guess it is, but a different kind of trust.

He left what he did for a living until the very end. When my eyes boinged out of me head he went on the defensive and said "So, you're one of those people who only care about money."

That's not true--if it was I probably wouldn't be selling Precious Moments for my mother--or is it true--what did I expect after all?

I guess the amount of time it took him to tell me I was at least hoping he was in the witness protection program or a spy or something.

And just to add a cherry on top. I popped on the scale. I've gained 23 pounds.

23 pounds.

I wish I was dead.