May 14

I think I'm going to paint my living room aubergine. Simon says that the interior walls reflect the soul and I agree. I know for sure I don't have a beige soul.

We spent the weekend working on my one woman show. Simon says that it will be highly conceptual and I agree, a high concept show is the only way I can see it too.

He thinks if I start out crawling out from a garbage can and move slowly upward during the show it will reflect my search for enlightenment. I really have been trying to find enlightenment I just haven't had a lot of time what with work and all.

It was so exciting!!! I felt like a true artist working at the feet of the master. Simon has a summer "gig" which he is really excited about because it means he can stop being a bike courier.

Funny, I really never thought of him as having a regular job and if I even imagined it for a second, it wasn't as a bike courier. It doesn't matter because he quit on Friday and starts rehearsals next week.

It'll be really cool when someone asks "where's your boyfriend?" I can say, he's at a rehearsal and they'll probably go, "Oh" and act like they aren't impressed.

Not like Irene's "Oh." which I still haven't figured the meaning of. I called her but she wasn't home.

I think Ill pick up the paint tomorrow and get a start.

May 15

I didn't know that aubergine was purple.

The place is really, really dark so I put in some yellow trim to lighten it up a bit. It doesn't help much but at least I know where the door is now.

My mother wants me to come for dinner on Sunday, she says she has a bit of an announcement.

Now what? The last announcement gave me a new father and the one before that led to this stupid Precious Moment's career so I'm not looking forward to it.

She is so stuck in the fifties. She sidled up to me and said "And if you have a special someone you want to bring..." Blech. A special someone? Why didn't she just ask me if I was pinned?

I told her if I had a special someone I most certainly would not want them to see how demented she is. I felt kind of bad after I said it because she looked so crestfallen.

How do they do it? How do they get on your nerves by saying stupid things and the next thing you know you're feeling sorry for them?

I told her that yes, I am seeing someone and that he might be able to come if he doesn't have a rehearsal. I was waiting to see her reaction but the phone rang.

May 16

Simon says my room reflects my complexity, which is what I wanted it to do. I bought tons of candles and it looked really gorgeous. The smell of sandalwood mixed with paint made me feel a bit nauseous but it was really romantic otherwise.

I sometimes wish that we could just "do it" without having to worry about Tantric sex. At the very least I wish we could memorize some of the positions. It is so distracting to have to turn pages. The new paint job makes it really hard to read by candlelight so we had to almost crab walk to get a half decent reading light.

May 17

We went to the park to watch other people. Simon says the only way you can improve your art is to research constantly. We saw couples walking hand in hand and Simon talked about the their naiveté and their simple natures. We were walking hand in hand but that was different because we weren't there simply to exploit nature and indulge our primitive sides, we were researching.

I really wanted a hot-dog but Simon is boycotting the pork industry so I had a bag of chips instead.

There was a really touching moment when a panhandler asked Simon for change. He stopped looked at the man and said. "I am you and you are me" and gave him a quarter.

It was such a profound moment I felt my eyes tearing up. I really wish the panhandler hadn't given him the finger.

It was a beautiful day and I felt inspired. We sat on the grass and wrote, I think this could be my best piece yet.

The birds flying aimlessly, unguided their cries of joy unheeded by man. I stand and watch untethered unalone. The waves lap against the sand as a soda can swims desperately to shore a symbol of man's triumph over nature.

The lovers embrace unaware, I turn my eyes to the sun and beg reach as the wind sings to my soul.

Wow.

May 18

I finally got the nerve to ask Simon over to my mom's place. I've been putting it off because there didn't seem to be a good time. He laughed at first and called me his little suburbanite still shackled to the call of the subdivision but he finally agreed. I'm dreading it.

May 19

Oh God, could she be more suburban? Is it possible? She was actually wearing an apron! I don't remember her ever wearing an apron. She served cheese dreams as an hors d'oeuvre for chrissakes, I was mortified.

I told her about Simon's boycott of the pork industry and she starts getting at me for not telling her because she prepared a pork tenderloin for dinner.

Simon my beloved, my heart tried to neutralize the situation by explaining his boycott was a personal one dedicated to his friend Robert Muir who lost his life working on a pig farm in Asia.

Simon said that people deserve to hold their own opinions on pork that he would not impose his beliefs on anyone that it is our right and we must be true to ourselves.

It was beautiful but of course my mother had to ruin it by saying "Were any of your friends killed by scalloped potatoes? Because if so we're going to have to go to the market."

Arrrrgh! Finally she gets to the big announcement. Mr. Van Heusan stood up, clanged his spoon against the wine glass (spilling Manishevitz all over the table I might add which if I'd done it I would have been crucified but since it was him...) and said that he had asked for my mother's hand in marriage.

That's it? Big deal! They've been shacking up for the past few months which was just completely embarrassing. It's about time they made it legal.

Simon raised his glass and made a toast. He said that although marriage in his mind was an outdated institution, he fully understood why people of a certain generation who didn't have options would embrace it therefore he said he gave them his blessing and wished them love and health in their few remaining years together.

My mom who would not recognize a beautiful moment if it bit her on the butt said very sarcastically. "Oh, coming from you that means a lot hopefully we'll make it till next Tuesday."

It was a disaster.

What does he man marriage is outdated? I guess it is, but it would be kind of nice.