May 19

I invited Jenny and Irene over and we had a lousy time. I was looking forward to telling them about my one woman show, showing them the new paint job and talking about Simon but they are sooooo self centered.

It's the first time in ages that Jenny's been cut loose from her baby so she called home every four seconds to make sure it didn't choke on it's own vomit or strangle itself on an electrical cord. Irene was really excited because she and Paul are going to Belize.

I nodded and smiled and wished they'd shut up so we could talk about me. God they're so self absorbed!

My place was looking so hip but it was wasted on them. Jenny came in and the first thing she did was turn a lamp on because she couldn't see. I'd arranged some really cool pillows on the floor so that we could lounge, but of course both of them headed straight for the couch which made the slipcover look really sloppy.

They turned their noses up at my taramasalata and hummous and instead wolfed down a huge bag of Cheetos.

I was sooooo bored, they just aren't me anymore I was just kind of hoping they would leave when Irene started talking about the writing group. I listened with half an ear while she talked about the Marjorie and the other bingo biddy and some other people I didn't even know, because I was waiting for her to get to Simon.

She didn't even mention him so I had to bring him up. What kind of friend is she? Doesn't she know how these things work? Jenny wanted to know all about him but Irene was really quiet. I told Jenny about his work, and what he thinks about my work how he's starting rehearsals next week for his new gig, how we are both working on a one woman show.

Jenny was suitably impressed although she did wreck it a bit by laughing when I told her about the one-woman show. I told her I was serious and she said she didn't know anything about theatre so that made it better. She wanted to know what Simon looked like, what our plans were--all the stuff you're supposed to do, but Irene sat there like a lump.

I tried to ignore it but the more I drank the more it bugged me. I finally had to ask her what her problem was. She acted all puzzled and said "What's my problem with what? We're talking about swimsuits" OK so maybe they were, but it didn't matter.

I asked her if she was jealous. I told her that I thought the reason she didn't want to talk about Simon was because she was lusting after him. She looked at me like I was out of my mind and then finally she said, "Jenna, he's a jerk."

A jerk. The love of my life is a jerk. I forced her to explain what she meant but all she would say is that she thought he was a bit of a poseur and how well did I really know him.

How well do I know him? That's like asking me how well I know myself!

I started bawling my eyes out and asked her to go, I also asked for my Partridge Family albums back although I don't really need them. Jenny's babysitter called in the middle of all this to tell her that the baby wouldn't settle which was the equivalent of telling her the baby was on fire so she rushed out taking Irene with her.

I was so angry I rushed to the window and threw the hummous out after them. I wish I'd opened it first.

I will never speak to her as long as I live.

May 22

Simon says friendships are like cars. They depreciate the minute they are taken off the lot. I don't really know what that means but it made me feel better.

May 23

I'm really feeling low. I feel that I might have over reacted the other night. Still, Irene had no business telling me that Simon was a jerk. I think her husband Paul is a jerk even though I did neck with him at their wedding. Would I tell her he was a jerk? No. And why? Because I am a very kind person and would not want to hurt her feelings. I also think she can't do much better than him.

May 24

Mom and Mr. Van Heusan are sickening. This engagement thing is making them act like a couple of teenagers. What's the big deal anyway? They go to a church or whatever say a few words and then bam! They're shackled together like a couple of prisoners.

Simon is so right about marriage being an outdated institution. It just doesn't belong in the modern world. The only way I would get married is if I knew one million percent that I've found the right guy for me, that we had an equal partnership emotionally and financially, and if Simon asked me.

May 25

Simon went to the writing group tonight, I can't believe it. After I told him what Irene said he still wants to be with those people!

I've lost the best friend I've ever had in the world (even though she bugs the crap out of me) and he's going off to the group anyway? I even told him that the whole group thought he was a poseur for dramatic impact but it didn't seem to matter.

May 26

My head is throbbing. I drank two bottles of red wine and half an airplane bottle of Jack Daniel's. I didn't mean to drink but I got so bored with crying I couldn't think of anything else to do.

After the first bottle I phoned Irene just to see if she was home and immediately felt like an idiot because of course she wasn't home she was at the writing group and secondly they have call display and her husband phoned back after I hung up to ask why I was crank calling them.

I tried to watch a movie but I couldn't concentrate so I opened another bottle of wine. I kept watching the clock and the minutes just dragged. Before I knew what I was doing, I was in front of the library hiding in the bushes.

I was at the point of dozing off when I saw the group leaving. I was so happy to see Simon standing out front that I wanted to run to him but it took me three tries to get to up.

As I struggled to my feet I noticed he was talking to a girl I'd never seen before. They were laughing and joking as if they hadn't a care in the world. By the time I was mobile they got into her car and drove away.

What does this mean?