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June
28
I waited
up until 4 a.m. but he didn't call for sure he must have phoned
when that idiot Jenny called. I'll phone him tomorrow night.
Around
3:30 a.m. the song "Love Hurts" came on the radio. I stood
by the window and a single tear ran down my face, a real Demi Moore
tear. I looked really good. The tear was still there when I ran
to the bathroom to check myself out in the mirror.
As
I stood by the window staring nobly out at the moon, I imagined
Simon doing the same thing at his apartment only he'd be sitting
on a window seat and have the poem in his hands and he'd probably
have his head in his hands.
I was
on autopilot at work today. I jumped every time the phone rang even
though I'm not sure if Simon has my work number.
My
mom has been darting me nervous glances and has been making a big
attempt to keep things jolly. It always scares her when I go quiet.
I wish I could remember that because it is a very powerful tool.
After
lunch she came over to my desk and asked me if I would write something
for their wedding service. You could have knocked me over with a
feather. My mother has never supported any of my talents--maybe
she's coming to terms with what it means to have a gifted child.
Cool.
June
29
My
hands were shaking as I punched in his number, it took three tries
to get past the first five digits.
I'd
rehearsed what I was going to say but it was so hard to get just
the right tone. Initially I was going for something casual with
heavy underlying meaning but that was really hard to do. Every time
I practiced my voice ended up going down an octave and it sounded
like I was going to tell him his family was killed in a plane crash.
My
breezy tone took away all the emotional undertones so I settled
for a yearning sweetness and a touch of sensuality.
After
four rings I was about to hang up when he answered. I whipped the
phone back so quick I bruised my ear but I was able to recover quickly.
I got my sweet/sexy tone back and said simply, "Hello, it's
Jenna." There was like a ten thousand year pause and I didn't
know what to do. So I quickly said "did you get my poem?".
"Oh,
Jenna! Wow, do you have a cold?"
"No."
"Because
you sounded weird for a minute."
"No,
I'm fine."
"There's
a lot of cold and flu going around right now, three of the clowns
are out sick and we've had to rehearse around them."
He
went on and on about the stupid clowns and how clowns don't have
understudies until I thought I was going to scream. I had to ask
him again if he got my poem and he told me he did. I waited for
all the emotional stuff to pour out but it didn't. I said "well,
what did you think?" and he said that he was glad I was still
writing.
I
really had to push him to tell me what he really thought about it
and he hummed and hawed and then very meekly said "well I didn't
want to say anything." My heart was in my throat waiting for
this moment of decision. The moment that would tell me whether or
not life was worth living.
"Shouldn't
Moo Goo Gai Pan be capitalized?"
I was
speechless. He said that he didn't want me to take that as a criticism
did I know F.Scott Fitzgerald couldn't even spell? The important
thing is that I was working at my craft. He then told my about all
the stuff he was working on for the writing group that he was really
busy but he was making writing a priority. He said he'd love for
me to take a look at some of his stuff sometime, he'd appreciate
my opinion and then said he had to run he was meeting some friends.
Oh,
God I'm destroyed. Utterly and completely destroyed.
June
30
I look
like a Panda. I've been crying so much my eyes are like slits and
my head feels like an anvil.
July
1
I feel
a little better. I talked to Jenny and we did an autopsy on my conversation
with Simon.
Here
are the good things:
He
said "Oh, Jenna!" not "Oh. Jenna."
He
said he wanted me to have a look at some of his work and that he
would appreciate my opinion. We both decided if you didn't care
for someone you wouldn't ask them their opinion of their work and
you wouldn't want to see them again so that's is a really big sign
right there.
He
told me about his rehearsals and stuff which Jenny pointed out is
a way of sharing his life with me.
He
said that he was glad that I was still writing so that means that
he cares about what I do.
Jenny
says that some people have a problem dealing with big emotional
scenes and Simon could be one of them. We talked for four hours
and she really made me see the light, I don't know why I always
have to look on the negative side of everything.
Just
before we hung up, Jenny asked me if I still had the cottage and
would it be possible for her to go up sometime with her husband
and baby. I told her sure, that would be fine.
1:00
AM
The
cottage! What better setting for two artists! I don't know why I
didn't think of this before. I could invite Simon up to the cottage
and tell him to think of it as a writer's retreat.
I'll
pretend I'm interested in his work and then wham! Who could resist
such a romantic setting!
Brilliant!
I feel reborn!
I think
I'll work on my mother's thing tomorrow I suddenly feel very creative.
Past
Entries of Jenna's Diary
©2000-2001 S.Grehan
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