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Jenna
appears every Friday.
August
30
I
arranged to meet Irene for coffee at Java Jim's. She didn't
want to go at first but once I convinced her how important
our friendship was to me she finally gave in.
I
figure I'll listen to the usual "Jenna, you just can't..."
and "Jenna, I can't believe you would..." until
she settles down and I can get some info about publishing.
Pandora's Box Press suggested a literary agent and I will
need to come up with a synopsis for my new book.
I
haven't written anything yet but I'm not worried. That's
the great thing about an autobiography. You just let stuff
happen and when you get time you write it down.
A
weird thing happened yesterday. I was waiting for the 66
bus and a really cute guy got out of a cab. I watched him
for a bit and found myself really interested. How can this
be? Simon is the love of my life. How could I even look
at someone else after such a devastating breakup?
The
guy was really cute though.
Sheila
came over last night and we wrote down what we are going
to say when we call all of Simon's old girlfriends.
She
has a list of every one one of them since college. Wow she's
good, I have no idea how she got that information. I can't
even remember his mother's name and she knows that his relationship
with Twyla McGillivary in 1992 lasted seven months. We had
a riot making up the things we are going to say even though
I can't remember why we are doing it.
She
got really outrageous toward the end and it would have been
great for the book. I really regret drinking all that wine
because I can't remember specifically what she said I just
know that my sides were sore from laughing. Or vomiting.
Sept
1
Wow,
Irene was really mad! Maybe she was PMS-ing. I was able
to smooth things over but it took a lot more work than usual.
As
I predicted she went into the "what Jenna did wrong
this time" spiel. Evidently when I threw her out of
the apartment for saying bad things about Simon she took
it personally. (I'm glad the window was closed and the bowl
of hummous didn't land on her--that would really give her
an excuse to rang out.)
She
rambled on about how she feels uncertain about continuing
our friendship because she feels my behaviour borders on
bizarre sometimes and it makes her doubt her own sanity.
I
listened very sympathetically and tried to help her out
by suggesting she get some therapy and she freaked out!
She said if anyone needed therapy it was me that I was the
most unstable person she'd ever met.
Yeah,
that's nice. That's coming from someone who put dog crap
in her Monster Maker Over when she was nine and when she
was 13 held a beauty pageant in her basement and didn't
allow anyone else to enter.
But
I'm the one who needs therapy. Denial anyone?
Finally
to shut her up I told her that I would try to be more sensitive
to her feelings and needs. That I would try to be less self
absorbed and take more of an interest in her life, that
I realize everything shouldn't be about me, blah, blah,
blah.
We
hugged and just when I was about to pick her brain about
writing she looks at her watch and said she had to run.
Talk
about selfish!
Sept
3
Whoo
hoo! I've got the perfect solution for my book. Because
it is autobiographical I don't really have to worry about
what I'm saying, I can stick that stuff in later and spice
it up with a few deep thoughts and some literary stuff.
Keeping track of Sheila is another thing altogether, so
I invested in a microcassette!
It's
great. It's smaller than a wallet so I can stick it in my
purse and just record everything she says. Perfect! It's
also got an plug in thingamy that I can hook up to the phone
and record both sides of a conversation. Wow. It was so
tiring trying to remember everything especially since I
wasn't writing any of it down.
I
tested it out by singing "I Will Always Love You"
and I'm not one to blow my own horn, but my voice has a
haunting quality on the tape that I've never noticed before.
I'm really very good.
If
my writing career doesn't work out I really think I could
be a singer!
Sept
4
Sheila
and I went to Simon's show. We sat on the lawn chairs with
our arms crossed, not laughing just glaring. It was really
getting to him, at one point after making eye contact with
us he fell off his unicycle.
The
kids thought this was hilarious and I must say he covered
up pretty good but we really threw him with our presence.
He
was really starting to crumble towards the end of the performance
when he was making the balloon animals. From where we were
sitting we could see his hands shake. I have to give Simon
credit because usually he can whip up a bunny, pig or dog
in seconds but not this time, we totally psyched him out.
Three
tries, three snakes. The kids booed, we laughed.
Ha.
After
the performance Sheila led me "backstage" so we
could "congratulate" Simon on his performance.
We
didn't get very far because one of his clown friends stopped
us. He was really angry and started yelling at us. He told
us that Simon was going to take out a restraining order
and he was thinking about suing for libel and defamation
of character. He also mentioned something about breaking
and entering that I didn't understand and then he
told us to get on with our lives and that sending email
to all of Simon's friends made us seem insane.
That
kind of spooked me because as much as I want him to suffer
for what he did to me, I'm not crazy about getting in trouble
and there is something really, really scary about a pissed
off clown.
I
was beginning to have doubts but Sheila put my mind at ease
when we left in her car to follow Simon home. She said "Truth
is the perfect defense against libel."
She
really knows her stuff.
I
could really kick myself though. That clownologue would
have been perfect, absolutely perfect for my book but I
forgot to put the battery in the recorder. DAMMIT.
Oh,
well. As long as I don't get drunk tonight I'll probably
remember almost all of it and there will be plenty of other
opportunities.
Wow,
this book is going to write itself!
New to Jenna's Diary?
You are probably thinking"Say, I'll never catch up, so there's no point starting now."
Well that's not true, Jenna can't follow a thought for more than a second so you won't be missing a thing. (And quite frankly that attitude is the reason you are not a neurosurgeon.)
Click here for a past diary excerpts. |
