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Jenna's
Diary
August
16
I
stood across the street from the Second Cup until I saw him go in. I waited
ten minutes so that I could rush in like I had just come from work. (Which
I hadn't because I left at noon to get ready for this) and I even took a briefcase
which was empty but a nice touch.
It
didn't start out well because when I rushed in he'd gone to the washroom.
I
went outside again and peeked through the window. It was so dark in there
I couldn't see a damn thing.
It just figures that he chose a table facing the window. I was squinting and
cupping my hands for about five minutes before I saw him. He was just sitting
there eating a scone watching me.
I was going to pretend I still couldn't see him but I didn't think even a
moron like him would buy it.
All
he talked about was his mother. I can't believe he is keeping the ruse up
but I figure he's such a loser that he doesn't even know how a date goes.
Apparently Aimee is heavily into debt and collection agencies have been calling.
He's really worried about her and I played along and told him about my mom
stealing from me. It was kind of worth it just to see his face.
The
bactine wore off on my head and I felt like I had fire ants crawling into
my brain as he kept talking and talking.
What
really bothers me is to cover scratching my head, I kept playing with the
stir stick really suggestively. A real Ally McBeal move and he asks me if
I'm ill.
I thought for sure he'd make a clumsy pass, then I would be able to emerge
triumphant by telling him I wasn't attracted to him, but he didn't do anything
except talk.
God he's dense. This is going to take longer than I thought but I don't care
because it's going to be worth it just to turn him down.
August
16
Another
crappy day. I'm two days away from my holiday and I still don't know how I'm
gonna get there. They don't even have a cab service in that stinking town
to take me the ten miles from the bus station---and even if you hitchhiked
you can't take Adirondack chairs on the bus without paying extra. That is
just a complete gyp because when you think about I am actually providing seating--they
should give me a price break.
Michael
phoned me and told me that there is no chapter of the Enesco National Precious
Moments Collector's Club in our city.
Where
the hell has my mother been going? And why didn't he ask me out?
My
head is so itchy.
August
17
How
could she be so stupid? I mean this is something I wouldn't even have
done. I don't know whether to call the police or put her in a home.
The
only reason she told me is because she is behind on her mortgage payments
and she was frantic that she would lose all the Precious Moments merchandise
stored in the house.
From what she told me, it appears she got involved with a bad crowd of Precious
Moment collectors in her neighbourhood. It started out small but then they
referred her to some bad-seed collector's where I live.
They've
got some sort of Precious Moments pyramid scheme. The way it works--I hope
I can write this without vomiting-- is as a new member, you purchase PM inventory
and you start to recruit new members. You get so many and you are in the Tender
Tails Category, more and you move up to Blushing Bunnies and then, oh who
the crap cares, the point is MY MOTHER IS COMPLETELY BROKE!
August
18
What
a brainstorm! Everything was looking pretty bleak and Michael called. I told
him to chain his mother up or something and gave him the scoop. He insisted
on dragging his mother over to my place so we could do some kind of intervention.
The
bottom line---this is so brilliant---I suggested we take them away to the
cottage to deprogram them. Is that brilliant or what? O.K. maybe it doesn't
solve what the hell I'm going to do with my mother but I've got a ride!!!!!!
August
19
There
is nothing I've done in my life to deserve this.
I
would not wish the drive up on anyone except maybe Andy for dumping me on
New Year's Day.
Two
middle-aged women alternating crying bouts with baby talk and Michael not
even paying attention to my daisy duke shorts as they crawled slowly up my
butt. It was awful.
It
took 2 hours to find the Godforsaken place. Man what a mess!!! It smelled
like old ladies and ears.
We
spent the evening trying to make the place smell presentable and then everyone
went off to bed except me.
I wanted my first night to be really special, so I sat on the porch and just
took it all in.
I listened to the crickets and the water and stared at the stars. I felt so
at peace. This could be a turning point for me.
2:00
am
If
I hear Aimee blubber once more I'm going to smother her.
August
20
I
am not going to be able to get through this.
The
cottage is a shambles. My Aunt saved absolutely everything. Letters, pictures
souvenirs, steel wool. It's going to take me months to sort this all out.
Aimee
and my Mother are going through this horrible withdrawal. We had to make a
rule that they can't even talk about Precious Moments alone, but they've worked
out some kind of code.
That
jackass Michael insisted that we all sit around the table and talk everything
through. That may work for his whacko family but my family doesn't handle
things that way.
When anyone in my family has a problem, they go away until they fix it and
they don't bother everyone else with all the boring details, but no. He had
to play psychoanalyst.
My
mother was talking about how alone she felt and that the Precious Moments
club made her feel that she could be a winner or a Tender Tail or Blushing
Bunny or whatever. She felt she was achieving something for the first time
in her life. Then Aimee chimed in with basically the same story.
On and on and on with him encouraging them to express themselves and trying
to find out what void PM was filling for them. They'd cry and he would pat
their hands and stare into their eyes.
I imagined myself as a cottage owner having a glass of wine on my Adirondack
chairs watching the sunset, maybe wearing a visor. I'd wave to passing boats,
swim and probably write some poetry.
Instead
I have two crazy old woman who still haven't kicked the baby talk and a guy
who thinks he's Mary Baker Eddy.
They talked while I just went through the cupboards and scratched.
August
21
Waterproof
makeup is a big fat lie and I had to cut off my hair extensions with nail
scissors because my scalp is on fire.
August
22
Oh,
my God. I WANT TO DIE!!!!!! I am not coming out of this room ever.
I
can only remember patches but Michael was talking Mom and Aimee off another
ledge and I was pretty depressed over looking like a troll doll so I got into
the wine, then the gin and when that ran out, the cooking sherry.
After
Aimee and Mom went to bed I asked Michael if he wanted to go for a walk. I
was feeling no pain and was bragging about my night vision when I slid down
a 15 ft slope and landed up in the lake.
He
pulled me out and we went back to the cottage. In my room I kind of noticed
that I looked pretty hot in a wet-t-shirt kind of way and I don't really know
the part in between except I guess I thought it would be funny to crawl into
his room and scare him.
I have flashes of kissing him and talking about how I won a contest once.
I
finally woke up this morning with the sun pan-frying my brains, completely
naked in his bed.
And
to just make it perfect, absolutely perfect, while I was lying there something
popped off my head and onto his pillow.
I
have lice.
I
WANT TO DIE!!!!!
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© 2000 www.happywomanmagazine.com
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