| Jenna's
Diary appears every Friday
September
23
I
feel a little hungover today. I really shouldn't mix red
wine, white wine, brandy and martinis.
I
think the thing that is making me feel really lousy is
the frozen pizza and the toaster strudels I had when I
came home.
I'm
going to take the phone off the hook because I haven't
planned what to say when Ivan calls. I'm not sure if I'm
going to blow him off right away or if I'm going to leave
him hanging. On one hand I really need to feel superior
but on the other hand it would be nice to go out to a
nice place for dinner and feel adored.
I'm
going to take a nap to mull it over.
3:00
I had a grilled cheese sandwich, a glass of chocolate
milk, a litre of coke and an ice cream bar. I feel a lot
better.
I've
decided that I'm not going to blow off Ivan. I'm so sick
of my life I need something new to do. I need a boyfriend!!!!!
Why isn't there anything good to watch on a Sunday? It's
raining and miserable out and there is nothing on but
reruns of The Andy Griffith show. It's not fair. I'm going
to write a letter.
I
tried to work a little bit more on my book, well I thought
about working on my book but the episode where Gomer goes
into the Marines was on so I really couldn't concentrate.
September
25
He
probably called when I left the phone off the hook. Oh,
well! His loss. I bet he's wondering where I am. That'll
keep him guessing!
I
called Irene to tell her what a great time I had at her
party--not really. I called to hear all the great things
Ivan said about me.
She
blabbed on and on about how she and Paul were exhausted
(yeah, heating up spring rolls can really take it out
of you) but that it was so worth it. They figure they
should do it more often and on and on and didn't so and
so look great.
She
said that Ivan was supposed to go golfing with them yesterday
but because of the lousy weather they just sat around
and played cards.
I
waited for her to go on, but she didn't. She started talking
about how Jennifer and Cody were thinking of separating
and how hard it was to believe because they looked so
happy together and she would be heartbroken if they did
split up because they were such a great couple. (BORING.)
Irene is the densest person on the planet. I don't know
if she has been off the market so long that she doesn't
realize how these things work or if it's because she is
jealous of me.
I
finally had to nudge her towards the subject by subtlety
saying "Boy, that Ivan can talk!!"
She laughed and said something about, don't get him started
on his work and blabbed on about how they found some roasted
pepper dip ground into the carpet and other totally stupid
things until I blurted out "did he say anything about
me? "
She
hemmed and hawed and said that no, he hadn't mentioned
me at all.
What?
I
sacrificed three of the best looking hours in my life
for that creep to slough me off? That doesn't make any
sense!
Then,
because she is the biggest jerk in the world ,she started
saying in a sing-song voice " Oh I get it!!!! Ooooooo,
Jenna likes Ivan! Jenna likes Ivan"
I
could have strangled her! Just to add insult to injury
she said "I don't know why I didn't think of this
before, you two would be perfect together!"
I
was completely tongue-tied--has marriage fried her brains?
How could she possibly think that a dynamic, talented,
good-looking person (me) could be paired up with that
dull boring block of wood (him). He looks like a mushroom!
I
was just about to tell her how sadly mistaken she was
in that frosty tone I usually reserve only for my mother
when she said she had to go.
I
have to get new friends.
September
25
I
am so fed up. The book is a piece of crap, nothing interesting
has happened since I started it.
It
is much harder to pretend to write than it is to actually
write. My index finger is swollen from tapping the n key
and I'm sure that my efforts to look thoughtful are making
me wrinkle prematurely.
I'm
sick of Sheila phoning me blasted out of her mind, I'm
sick of having an eggplant (PURPLE) living room,I'm sick
of my hair, my clothes, I'm sick of Andy Griffith and
I'm sick of being alone.
My mother is driving me nuts with her encouragement and
my friends have some skewered view that I'm a pathetic
loser who will date just about anybody.
I
am soooooooo fed up. I've got to make some changes.
September
26
Irene
left a message asking if I wanted to come over to her
place to play Monopoly with her and Paul and (big dramatic
pause) Ivan?
Oh,
big whoop Irene. The guy is a loser, you are a loser,
Paul is a loser and Monopoly is a loser game.
I'm
in the prime of my life. Young, brilliant, talented and
you want me to rot away in Suburbia?
I
don't think so. If I want to rot I'm doing it in my own
home.
September
27
If
you own the block just before Park Place you've got it
sewn up everyone knows that but still it's a matter of
luck. My luck of course completely stunk and I blew all
my money on hotels for Oriental Ave. and a few other slums.
Irene
and Paul were really annoying, they acted as if they'd
done me a supreme favour by setting me up with the king
of dorks and Ivan was even more boring than he was last
time.
He
was also much homelier. He seemed to be greyer, shorter
and rounder than last time. He had some cottage cheese
or something stuck in his eyetooth that looked like it
had been there since 1966 and he has a mole/wart thing
on his neck with three freckles that make it look like
a surprised smiley face.
I
don't know what I was thinking when I flirted with him.
I was pretty drunk but I've been drunker and haven't fallen
so low.
What
was really disgusting was the way he kept looking at me
in a knowing way. Irene would then look at Paul in a knowing
way and then Paul would look at Ivan....we should have
played Clue.
I
get the feeling that Irene told Ivan that I was really
hot for him. Instead of dropping to his knees and praising
the skies for sending him a beautiful woman, he looked
like he was weighing me up. It was completely revolting.
I
don't even know why I went over there. Oh yes I do. I
was a) bored out of mind and b) I wanted to devastate
Ivan.
He
kept trying to make double entendres that seemed left
over from the seventh-grade (most likely he picked up
where he left off in social interaction.) I mean, what
professional man hears the phrase "I'm coming"
and wiggles his eyebrows and smirks.
Ugggh.
I briefly wondered if it is considered bad taste to kill
yourself at a friend's house.
I
was completely turned off and made it clear which just
seemed to fuel him. He kept suggesting places we could
go together and things we could do. He followed me all
the way to the door begging me to go out with him. Finally
I said flat out "no, you gross me right out!"
Which made him laugh.
Oh
GOD, I'm going to make some changes. That's it. Next week
I'm going to start living the life I deserve.
New to Jenna's Diary?
You are probably thinking"Say, I'll never catch up, so there's no point starting now."
Well that's not true, Jenna can't follow a thought for more than a second so you won't be missing a thing. (And quite frankly that attitude is the reason you are not a neurosurgeon.)
Click here for a past diary excerpts. |
