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Jenna's
Diary appears every Friday.
Oct
21
I
have a great idea!
This
week has been pure crap. I've gone back to Club Hades
with Jenny four times but each time was lousier than the
last. No sign of Craig. I almost feel I imagined him which
I know for sure I didn't because we'd be married now.
No one pays any attention to me even though in my very
humble opinion I'm the best looking, smartest, funniest
woman there.
It
dawned on me that men in clubs sense my inner strength
that's why they are drawn to needy messes like Jenny.
Because of that I end up holding the purses, saving the
seats and drinking myself stupid.
I was really feeling down and then I skimmed an article
about On-Line
Dating. I think that may be the solution! I'm going
to place a personal ad!
I'm
not desperate like Jenny but I really feel the need to
meet someone. I'm sick of being alone. The holidays are
coming up and I just can't bear the thought of spending
them alone. I could not handle another year like last
year.
It
would be terrific to be able to pre-screen dates. I wouldn't
have to get dressed up--I would in fact only have to leave
the house if the prospect was good. I think this is a
terrific idea, one of my best and I've had a lot of ideas
so I know what I'm talking about.
Now,
I've just got to write an ad that captures my essence,
that'll be tough. Luckily I'm very gifted.
Oct
22
Irene
called. UGH.
First
of all she was raving about the great time Jenny has been
having. "Good God! The woman has only been single
three weeks and she's had more dates in the past week
than some people have had all year!"
I
know I was the "some people" so I said "yeah
you go out a lot if you're not very picky." And she
accused me of being jealous!!!!
I
wrote a personal ad but they said it would cost over $70
dollars to run it! I've got to cut out a few words. I
think tantalizing, dazzling, spectacular, ravishing, amazing
and gymnast can go.
Oct
23
Tomorrow
I meet my grandmother for the very first time. I'm pretty
nervous, I just don't know what to wear. What do people
usually wear to meet their grandparents for the first
time? I guess a diaper. Wow, there really should be an
etiquette book for children of screwed up parents.
I
wonder what she's like? The only knowledge I have of Britain
comes from Coronation Street. Because my father
is so stiff, I imagine someone very proper--maybe an Emily
Bishop sort of character. A tidy polite woman with strong
moral values and a handbag in the crook of her arm. She'd
have a hesitant way of speaking and a warm loving twinkle
in her eyes. Someone who says things like "We have
two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more and talk
less."
I
haven't told my mother about this yet. I have the feeling
that she will tarnish it somehow. When I met my father
for the first time all she wanted to know was what his
wife looked like. She is so obsessed with appearance that
she couldn't look beyond that to see the bigger picture.
How traumatic it was to find out at my age that the man
who raised me wasn't my real father. To have to bond with
a stranger, to be thrown into another family. Unloved,
unwanted, alone.
Maybe
I'll wear that kilt I have. It's very demure and I think
I'll wear that Angora sweater my mother gave me for my
birthday that I didn't wear in protest because I wanted
a PDA. I think it will make me look classy yet approachable,
vulnerable yet strong.
I
wonder what I'm supposed to call her?
Oct
24
When
you think of living a past life you always think of yourself
as maybe an Empress or some other powerful figure. You
rarely think of yourself as being the guy who scrubbed
a Roman latrine or the person who's job it was to pick
up after the camels. It's the same when you're trying
to fill in your family history.
When
I arrived, Lillian (as usual) treated me very warily.
She always gives me the impression that she is committing
my surroundings to memory so that when I leave she can
take inventory to make sure I didn't steal anything. A
sort of mental closed circuit camera.
My
father of course, commented that I was two minutes late.
He asked if there had been an accident. (I wanted to say
"Yes, but luckily no one died or I might have been
three minutes late.") He told me that Nan would be
down in a minute as she was having a rest.
Catherine
was really nice. I think I'd really like her if she didn't
have her slobbering kids attached to her like zebra mussels.
Michael
and Megan were in the living room ( M&M ewwwwww) when
Lillian ushered me in. Michael approached me as if he'd
learned I had something terminal and gave me one of those
really deep penetrating stares followed by a "how
are you Jenna?"
I don't buy his sensitivity act. If he were truly sensitive
he wouldn't have dumped me for my half-sister. He also
wouldn't have slept with me after he dumped me and was
seeing her. What kind of moral fiber does he have?
Megan gave me one of those fake "Hi's" and told
me I looked gorgeous in a way that was meant to convey
"You don't really, but I'm a wonderful person and
lie to make others feel good."
Finally
my grandmother came down the stairs and my visions of
Emily Bishop flew out the window as Vera Duckworth marched
into the room
She's
tall, with a bleached Harpo-like perm. She's had a bad
cap job so her mouth looks like it's filled with grey
Chiclets, her makeup was obviously applied with a trowel
and her voice is well suited to stadiums or bingo parlours.
She didn't even greet me at first she was too busy complaining
about "all t' bloody noise."
She
was incredibly loud and talked non-stop all the way through
dinner. I couldn't tell if she liked me (or anything else)
because of all the shouting.
A
highlight was seeing her interact with Lillian. Now that
I think of it, a Lillian type was more what I had in mind
when I was casting my grandmother in the story of my life.
(Only warmer and better looking.)
Lillian
was juggling oranges trying to please her mother-in-law
but it was evident my grandmother didn't have the time
of day for her. Once, when Lillian left the room once
to see about dessert, I heard my grandmother murmur "toffee-nosed
git".
It
was hilarious watching Lillian finger her pearls anxiously
through the meal while saying "salt of the earth"
under her breath the say way someone would say "shit
on my shoe."
Finally
my grandmother (she wants me to call her Eileen--not Nan,
Eileen. Once again a Bastard Bias) took me aside so we
could have "a good 'ol chinwag."
She
did all the chinning and the wagging and I did all the
nodding. She didn't like my mother (quelle surprise) and
then went on to give me thumbnail history of her life.
She's
been married five times, each man left her for another
woman. She believes all men are sods and all they are
looking for is to get a "leg over". She had
a brief career as a model but gave it up because of the
politics. She moved on to a career as a music hall performer
in Blackpool and now is a background performer (extra)
in movies waiting for a juicy role. She's got 4 kids with
3 different fathers and they moved every two years because
of her career. She is now hoping to make a new start here.
(At 70).
I
am so depressed.
Oct
25
Having
a peak at what my future could hold due to bad genes,
I've decided to take the cat by the horns and place an
ad.
SWF,
AUTHOR, BRILLIANT, COMPASSIONATE, CARING, FUN LOVING,
QUIRKY, SLIMMISH, SENSUAL WITH LUST4LIFE, SEEKS WEALTHY
SWM 30-45. MUST BE OVER 6" TALL AND MUST ALSO BE
PROFESSIONAL, INTELLIGENT, AMBITIOUS AND GORGEOUS FOR
LOVING RELATIONSHIP GEARED TO LONG-TERM MARRIAGE.
I
think that says it all.
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