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Jenna's
Diary appears every Friday.
Oct
27
I phoned my ISP to make sure their system could handle
the volume of email I expect to receive.
I
explained that I'd placed a personal ad and I didn't want
my mail bouncing all over the place just because they
weren't prepared for it.
The
guy on the other end said "yeah sure Pamela, give
my best to Tommy Lee."
I'm
a little worried now. If they can't even get my name right
how can I trust their claims that they can handle volume?
Oct
29
Yuck.
Against my better judgment I went on a double date with
Jenny. Yuck.
Jenny
is one of my best friends and I want nothing but the best
for her, but I wish she'd stop thinking she is so hot.
She doesn't realize that her temporary popularity is a
fluke and in a matter of weeks she will be a desperate
clawing female who'd chew the brains out of her son's
skull for a date. I'm only saying that because I love
her.
Her
guy Brad was OK I guess, but if you judge a person by
the company they keep, he is a bigger loser than Jenny.
My guy Jeff, looked like a squirrel and fancied himself
a comedian. He actually admitted to watching every episode
of Seinfeld 14 times. That's probably why he was incapable
of making up his own dialogue.
Jenny
tried to make very single movement look seductive. She
couldn't pop a corn kernel in her mouth without making
it look like an outtake from 9 1/2 Weeks. Yech.
Jeff
of course was completely into me. And why? Because he
is the biggest loser on the planet. I was going to scream
if I heard the phrase "not that there is anything
wrong with that" one more time. He said it when they
ran out of the specials, he said it when Jenny excused
herself to go the washroom he said it when I told him
I would rather pull out my own toenails than kiss him
goodnight.
He
looked like a complete idiot repeating dialogue from an
ensemble show when no one else was playing along. It's
like repeating only the back-up lyrics to a Supreme's
song. He tried to get us into a "yadada, yadada"
thing but thankfully nobody bit.
Jenny
had a riot, the poor thing doesn't know any better.
Oh,
man what a waste of an evening. I could have been at home
watching TV.
Oct
30
I
checked my email and while there were plenty of opportunities
to lose weight and make money from home I didn't get a
single response from my singles ad!
I
KNEW they couldn't handle the volume, I just knew it!
Oct
31
My
father called this evening to say that he and my grandmother
would be in the neighbourhood and wondered if they could
stop by.
I
didn't have enough time to think out a lie. I'd ruined
it by saying "nothing" when he asked what I
was up to.
Arrgh.
I ran around like a fiend trying to make the place look
presentable but I didn't have enough time. When my father
says he will be there in 7 minutes, he means he will be
there in 7 minutes. I ended up tossing everything in the
bedroom.
My
grandmother or Eileen as she wants me to call her (sure
the kids in wedlock call her gran but I'm a bastard)
who was wearing leggings with high heels, a sequins top
with a scarf wrapped around that rat's maze she calls
hair, said with the purple walls, my place looked like
a brothel! (EGGPLANT why does everyone have trouble with
that? The colour is eggplant!)
Then
she touched up her lipstick and said she couldn't believe
all the attention she was getting here. Men were honking
their horns and giving her the thumbs up all the way over.
She said she was thrilled to be in a country that appreciated
beautiful women.
My
father gave me a warning look when I started to point
out what day it was.
I'd left my computer on with my novel on view on the screen.
I had to go and jiggle the mouse occasionally to keep
the screen from disappearing and she mentioned that like
all kids of my generation I was addicted to the stupid
grey box.
Long,
long, long, story about how people entertained themselves
in her day. No offense but what is the difference between
her whole family being glued to the wireless and me using
a computer? At the very least my way is more hygienic.
I'm unlikely to get tuberculosis or head lice (again).
I
thought I could impress her by telling her that I was
a writer but I might as well have told the cat.
She
said "Books, like? I read one once, didn't like it--you
need to get yourself a proper job."
Arrggggghhhh.
I told her I did have a proper job but unfortunately I
mentioned working with my mother.
Although
I think my mother has a lot of problems I couldn't bear
to hear that blowzy harridan attacking her. I listened
for a bit then I stood up and told her I did not want
my mother insulted in my own home and then I asked her
to leave.
She
started hacking up a lung and I thought I'd killed her
and was marginally sad until I realized she was laughing.
Then she said:
"D
'you see that David? She's the spit of me! She's exactly
like I were at that age!"
Oh,
GOD I'm depressed!
Nov
1
Well
at least that explains it. I didn't know they had categories
let alone sub categories in the personal ads. Who would've
thought? When I asked them to take me out of the fantasy/fetish/men
seeking men category I really sensed an attitude.
I
wish I could take back that letter I wrote to my ISP though.
Oh, well. The ad is going in the day after tomorrow and
I can't wait.
New to Jenna's Diary?
You are probably thinking"Say, I'll never catch up, so there's no point starting now."
Well that's not true, Jenna can't follow a thought for more than a second so you won't be missing a thing. (And quite frankly that attitude is the reason you are not a neurosurgeon.)
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