| Jenna's
Diary appears every Friday.
Nov
4
Three
responses? There must
be something wrong
with the dating site.
One seemed OK until
I got to the hot oil
tongue massage. (??)
It must be olive oil
because otherwise
you'd get sick but
still ewwww.
The
second was written
entirely in lower
case and had a lot
of "...um...."
and "....uh...."
I think people who
don't take the time
to make capitals would
not be good providers
and when composing
an email I really
don't think it is
necessary to put in
conversational place-holders
like um an uh. The
guy must sound like
a complete idiot in
real life.
I
am really excited
about the third response.
He describes himself
as " professional
attractive SM looking
for lady to have fun
with" I figure
he really must be
attractive because
he didn't have to
add "puppy dog
eyes" and "likes
to snuggle" "I'm
told I'm cute"
all the loser signs.
I just hope SM means
single male. I'm still
stinging over the
fantasy/fetish listing.
We've
emailed back and forth
a few times and he
seems really nice
although it's hard
to tell with email.
His name is Eric he
is originally from
Colorado and he's
a lawyer. (!!!!!!)
The responses are
pretty brief but he
is a professional
and I'm sure he doesn't
have time to nice
things up. He asked
me for a photo and
I scanned the one
from Irene's wedding.
It's a pretty good
one it was just before
the back split on
my dress and I made
a pass at her husband.
I used an image editor
to get rid of red-eye
and decided while
I was at it, to remove
a few imperfections
like the little pooch
under my chin, the
tiny, tiny lines around
my eyes and my hips.
I
did get a little nervous
when he asked me what
I weighed. I didn't
want to lie but I
had to. Muscle weighs
much more than fat
so the numbers can
be deceiving.
I'm
going to meet him
for a drink on Tuesday
at a Greek bar/restaurant
called the Acropolis.
I told him to wear
a red carnation but
he said that was stupid.
I love a man who takes
control!
I'm
so excited!
Nov
6
While
I was putting on my
makeup for work this
morning I noticed
if I hold my makeup
mirror between my
knees and look down
into it I look exactly
like my grandmother.
All I need is a yellow
Harpo perm, ten tons
of makeup and I would
be a dead ringer.
If
I don't do something
now I'm going to end
up exactly like her.
Four kids, three different
fathers, five marriages.
She's like the Brady
Bunch gone bad.
I
phoned my mother to
tell her I couldn't
come in to work because
I was depressed and
she told me to smarten
up and get the lead
out.
She doesn't understand
that this is all her
fault! If she hadn't
downed half a cask
of liquor, she might
have been able to
hold onto her virtue
until she met the
man she married.
I
went into work but
it wasn't pretty.
I sulked all morning
but no one even noticed.
I kept giving them
looks, really mean
penetrating looks
until I got a headache,
but they just went
on about their business
as I didn't even exist.
It
would serve her right
if I ended up like
my grandmother. Let's
see how she feels
when I ship her off
to a home and when
I do come to visit
it's only to show
off my new earrings.
Nov
7
I'm
really nervous. I've
never really been
on a blind date before.
I've been fixed up
scads of times but
I've always had one
of my friends to blame
after it.
It's
so hard to get the
look right because
I'm not sure what
kind of woman he is
looking for. I want
something that displays
my individuality my
uniqueness but I don't
want to stand out.
I'm
not really into money
or status or anything
like that but lawyers
make really good money.
If I married a lawyer
then I'd never end
up like that boozy
tart. Even if he left
me for someone after
a couple of years
I'd still have alimony
to see me through.
I
don't need a man to
be successful I know
that, but seeing my
grandmother has made
me very frightened
about my formerly
bright future.
Nov
8
WHAT
A DISASTER.
It started of miserably
and just got worse.
I got off the bus
at the wrong stop
and the driver wouldn't
let me get back on
without paying again.
On principle I refused
but it was a very
long walk.
The
place was only half
full, so I chose a
secluded table in
the corner figuring
it would be nicer
for us to get to know
each other in a quiet
spot. The waitress
told me I couldn't
sit there because
the table was for
two. I told her that
someone would be joining
me and she looked
at me as if I was
lying.
I
sat there trying to
look comfortable while
the waitress came
over every five minutes
to see if I was ready
to order food. I kept
telling her I was
waiting for someone
but she just wasn't
buying it.
I
realized after a half
hour and two drinks
that maybe the table
was a little too
secluded. How on earth
was he supposed to
find me when I'm hidden
behind a bust of Apollo?
I decided to move
to a table in the
center.
The
waitress made a huge
deal out of it and
asked me to settle
my bill. I told her
I'd prefer to wait
as I'd only moved
12 feet, it wasn't
as if I was edging
my chair out the door
with my coat over
my head, but she insisted.
I gave in and paid,
but I didn't tip her.
Huge mistake. I had
to ask her three times
to bring me another
drink and when she
did half of it spilled
onto the table.
I
realized after a while
that I was at a very
definite disadvantage.
Eric knew what I looked
like because of the
photo I sent, but
I had no idea what
he looked like. I
tried to scout out
men who looked like
they were looking
for someone but it
was hard to do without
looking obvious.
I noticed a really
nice-looking guy kept
looking over at me
and I wasn't sure
if it was because
I looked really hot
or if it was because
he was my date. I
didn't know what to
do. I'd look like
a real loser if I
approached him and
it wasn't him, but
there was the teensiest
possibility he may
not recognize me from
my photo.
I decided to go to
the bar to order another
drink so the guy could
see me up close. This
threw the waitress
into a tailspin. She
followed me and demanded
to know what was wrong
this time. I told
her there was nothing
wrong I just wanted
to order from the
bar. The bartender,
an older Greek guy,
took her side and
said he would make
my drink and have
her bring it over.
I told them I just
wanted to stand at
the bar for a few
seconds, but he said
no!
I
told them I had every
right to stand there
and he swept his hand
and said in a very
thick accent "You,
cut off--get out."
I could not believe
it. He was so loud
everyone in the place
turned to look at
me.
I
was so embarrassed.
I tried to reason
with him and asked
him what difference
it made where I was
in the bar as long
as I paid and he told
me I was a drunk floozy
troublemaker and if
I didn't leave he
would call the cops.
I
was red-faced and
furious and told him
to go ahead and call
the police. They'd
see that I was in
the right and he came
from behind the bar,
went straight to the
door, held it open
and hollered at me
to get out.
The
guy I thought was
an Eric candidate
came over to me and
I felt overwhelming
relief. Finally someone
standing up for me!
He
said "I'll take
care of this Gus"
took my elbow and
steered me towards
the door!!!
Before
I knew it they'd shuffled
me out and I was standing
on the sidewalk. My
stuff was still inside
and I had to knock
on the window and
pantomime for ages
before they finally
threw it out the door.
I'm
MAD and more than
a little humiliated.
What do I do now?
Was Eric there? Did
he see all this? Was
he the guy who helped
throw me out? If he
wasn't there could
he help me sue them?
I'm
so MAD.
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