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Jenna's
Diary appears every Friday.
January
19
Went
to my mom's for dinner. She still had the Christmas tree up,
I guess she didn't have time to fold it up. God aluminum trees
are ghastly. We exchanged presents and she seemed happy with
the Chia pet I gave her and Mr. Van Heusan was delighted with
the shaving kit. Well at least he pretended to be. I've been
getting him chintzier and chintzier presents as time goes
on so he must be faking it.
They
asked about my "little holiday" (arrrrggh) and I
didn't even bother to correct them. Instead I tried to enlighten
them and explained Jamaican culture to them. My mom acting
casual as she ususally does when she's poking her honker into
other people's business, asked if I was still seeing "that-guy-who-was-so-important-you-couldn't-spend-Christmas-with-us."
This made me fly into a rage. "Of course I'm still seeing
him! Why do you always expect me to fail at everything in
my whole life! Just because you believe I am incapable of
having a mature relationship doesn't make it true!" Then
I locked myself in the bathroom.
I
decided to come out when I thought I'd punished them enough.
Also, I hadn't opened my gifts yet.
There
was a sweater that would look good on my grandmother and a
book on Feng Shui. I was pretty disappointed until I opened
my card and found a cheque in it.
Wow,
Christmas really does bring families together.
January
20
I
finally took those braids out and it was such a relief to
be able to blink. I phoned Irene to tell her all about my
adventure in Jamaica and and she said she was dying to hear
all about it. Things took a turn though when I told her about
Jeff being married and not be able to leave his wife just
yet. She became really snarky. She said. "Jenna, don't
you realize that that is the oldest line in the world?"
I tried to explain to her that it was different with Jeff,
but she wouldn't even listen.
Why
are my friends so closed minded? They never, ever, ever support
anything I do. It's just not fair. I've been such a good friend
to her. When she died her hair red who told her she looked
like a pumpkin? Me. When she wore leggings with high heels
who told her she looked like a cocktail sausage? Me again.
Only a good friend would do that. I deserve so much better
than this.
January
21
I've
been reading my book on Feng Shui and I finally realized what
has been wrong with my life!
It's
pronounced Fung Shway not Feng Shooey as a very snotty Irene
pointed out. (She read a pamphlet once and now she's an expert.)
I'm really open to foreign stuff now with all the travelling
I've been doing and it was such a relief to know that all
the problems I've been having with love, family, money, and
career are not my fault!
I
got my bagua and have figured out which room is responsible
for what area. (Gua.)
In the love gua I've got a picture of myself that I've got
to get rid of because a single woman reflects a single attitude.
It is a really good picture of me though, so I going to move
it to my fame gua because they say you should have a picture
there of someone you admire and respect. It's supposed to
be someone famous but I'm sure that's a technicality.
I've
got some juvenile ch'i happening in my love gua too, so I've
got to get rid of Mr. Blister my bunny. That's just as well
as I was finally able to identify the old cheese sandwich
smell that has been haunting me since I moved in.
I've
got a whole whack of distractions that make me stray from
my intent in the love area. A pile of laundry, an exercise
bike and a television right in the most important love gua!
Wow, thank God I found out before it's too late.
In
the prosperity gua I realize my toilet has been eating up
all my money and all the metal in my family gua has been making
my mother a maniac. I'll deal with the family, children and
travel guas once I've cleared up the love, prosperity and
fame areas because I have to have a place dump my old junk.
The
only bummer is that my living room contains the helpful people/travel
gua and it's a shame to waste all my creativity on a gua I
could care less about. Maybe I'll put the bagua thingy upside
down. In any case, this is a perfect way to showcase my creativity
while improving my life.
I
might become a interior designer.
Or
a Buddhist.
January
20
I'm going for a very classy sleek Zen look. I chose Aria Ivory
which looks an awful lot like off white, but since it is twenty
dollars a gallon more than regular paint it can't be off-white.
I'm going to add some plaster to the paint to give it some
texture.
I've
become addicted to decorating shows. Changing Rooms, Trading
Spaces and the Decorating Challenge. I thought
it would be a swell idea to get on one of those shows but
my friends have such lousy taste I'll probably end up with
tacky purple walls with saris made into curtains which is
exactly what I have now. Also, those people don't understand
enough about Eastern Philosophy to be of any help to me. I've
been able to pick up some really useful tips though. Like
the plaster one. I saw Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen do it and it's
cinchy.
Jeff
isn't coming over tonight because ANNE, his WIFE is having
some sort of work party and he has to go because she wants
to present a united front to her co-workers.
I've got to double up on the pink in my love gua.
January
21
Oh
my God. Aria Ivory is off-white and the plaster makes it grey.
The whole room looks like a loaf of uncooked bread. Lawrence
was able to put it on in nice smooth strokes but mine was
so thick I had to pat it on with my hands and hope it didn't
slide off. They always tell you it looks completely different
when it dries and it did. It looked ten times worse.
I
tried to chip it off but I started to take off parts of the
wall underneath. At first this looked kind of funky sort of
like a medieval building but as I went on, it made the room
look like it was set for demolition. Not only does it look
like crap I'm pretty sure my prosperity is going to suffer.
I went back to the Home Depot and told them their paint destroyed
my walls. At first they were really helpful until I mentioned
the plaster. They wouldn't even give me my money back!
I'm
going to write a very nasty note to Changing Rooms.
I might have grounds for a lawsuit.
January
22
Jeff
tried to help me repair the walls last night. To be honest
he didn't do it with much grace. He asked me what in the name
of God was I thinking, asked me if I'd even thought of the
damage it would cause, blah, blah, blah and then he muttered
something about having enough to do at home without having
to come over here. I HATE when he uses the word home to refer
to the place he lives with his wife.
I
almost started to yell but I realized I'd never get the work
done without his help. I was going to save it until the end
but I was too tired to have an argument. I'll have to store
it away for future use.
January
24
Well
I now have wavy grey walls. We had to chip off what we could
and sand and fill the rest. It looks like a bunker.
Now
I've got to start from scratch. I can't believe I've got buy
more paint! This time I think I'm going to be a little more
adventurous. Jeff told me that if I did any more design projects
I was on my own but I think he was just mad at the 35 hours
it took to fix my little mistake. I saw this really cool room
on Trading Spaces that had one entire wall made of
moss. How cool is that?
Jeff
is coming over Saturday with that little creepy nephew of
his. I was going to pitch a fit but I realized that after
all work he did I owed him at least this.
Also,
because we are planning a future together I have to show off
my mothering skills. I'm going to pick up some toys and stuff
to make my apartment kid friendly.
I
wonder if they sell playpens with lids?
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