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Jenna's
Diary appears every Friday
March
15
I
am so brilliant I can't believe it! My mother is going to
be grateful to me till the end of her days!
I chose some of my profound
work and figured that I'd read it (maybe even with an
English accent) and then we'd proceed to the dining and dancing
portion of the evening.
But of course once again my creativity took over. I decided
to go one step further - I looked through some old photos,
found some home movies and had them transferred to video.
I'm going to give a multimedia presentation! Wow this is such
a good idea - who knows I could probably make a living doing
this once word gets out!
I
figure I'll start out by having the lights dimmed on a prearranged
signal. Maybe I'll scratch my nose or tug my ear (I think
I'd like to save that gesture until the last though.) Then
I'll use the remote to start up the VCR.
My
TV is only 26 inches and I thought about renting a big screen,
but I figure there is only going to be a 100 people at the
wedding, so they can just scooch closer. Besides, a big screen
rental costs exactly the same as getting highlights in my
hair so the choice was made for me.
I've
watched the presentation about four times already and here
is the test of excellence - it hasn't bored me once! The first
song is "In My Life" by the Beatles. When I listen
to that combined with the image me running around in my little
sunsuit it makes me bawl! This is going to kill for sure.
I
only have one picture of Mr. Van Heusan that my mother took
last Christmas. It's not a great one because my mother is
a lousy photographer. He is wearing a stupid paper hat and
holding that singing fish I gave him. One of his eyes are
closed and his mouth is kind of hanging open, but what am
I supposed to do? It's the only one I have of him. I'll just
keep using the same picture over and over and hope people
don't notice. It is his wedding so I do feel he should fit
in there somewhere.
After
the video I'll have the lights come up (that's where I'll
use the ear tug ) I'll read some of my pieces then after the
applause dies down we can eat.
There
are few things I still need to do (business cards for "Jenna
Visual Productions") but it looks terrific so far.
March
16
My
hair looks AMAZING. I also got lucky and found the perfect
dress at Winners. Choosing a dress when you are in charge
of the wedding is harder than just choosing a dress when you're
a guest. I'm going to be in the spotlight so I have to look
just perfect or it could ruin the wedding.
This
is going to be great. Not only do I get to show off my talent
I get to show off Jeff! My mother's loud mouthed friend Rosemary
will be laughing out of the other side of her face when she
sees him. For once, the fact that she can't keep her ginormous
trap shut will work for me. It'll probably take less than
24 hours for her to spread the word that Jenna's "got
a real catch."
HA!
March
17
Oh.
God. Life sucks. Weddings suck. Jeff sucks, everything sucks.
Why does everything have to happen to ME?
The
day started out fairly well. (No thanks to my mother. Out
of decency I tried to run some things by her at her house
but she was in a foul mood. I was just asking her if I should
use an English accent and she shrieked "Jenna will you
take your clipboard and get the hell out of here! You're ruining
the photos!) But other than her instability everything went
great. My hair still looks GORGEOUS my dress makes me look
FANTASTIC and Jeff looked like a million dollars.
The
ceremony was OK I guess, what I saw of it anyway because Jeff
and I left in the middle of it to set up at the reception
hall. We
had about an hour to kill so I used the time to put my business
cards on the table.
Finally
the guests started to trickle in. I wanted to start at 6 p.m.
on the dot but they were all loitering out in the foyer yapping
their heads off in the receiving line. I made an announcement
that due to time constrictions if everyone could refrain from
holding conversations with the bride and groom the management
would appreciate it. I thought my mother would me thrilled
but she gave me a dirty look!
At
about 7 o'clock everyone was seated and I was just about to
call everyone to order when Mr. Van Heusan's best man stood
up and made a speech! I could not believe it! He yammered
on about my mother and Mr. Van Heusan and proposed toast after
toast. Thank God the banquet manager saw my nose signal and
turned the lights out before that big blowhard could bore
the pants off everyone.
I
started up the video and all I could hear is "Whaaaa?"
"I can't see anything" "What's going on?"
I had to hit pause and tell everyone to shut up. I told them
if they wanted to see they would just have to move closer.
It took forever for all her geriatric friends to drag their
chairs over and I was getting really impatient.
I
rewound the tape and started it from the beginning. I thought
it was going great but after the first 20 minutes people started
to talk amongst themselves. My mother leaned over and said
"for heaven's sake Jenna turn it off" I told her
there was still another 55 minutes to go and she grabbed the
remote from my hands. She stood up and said "Well, to
conclude the presentation from my lovely daughter Jenna she
is going to read a poem.
I
was furious. I whispered to her that it would be like casting
swine before pearls and walked back to my seat.
How
could my mother spoil my special day for me? Why couldn't
she just let me shine for once?
My
mother then spent an eternity thanking everyone in the world.
I
ignored her and was going to ignore dinner but it was prime
rib and I hadn't eaten all day.
After
dinner, the dancing started. I got up and told Jeff we were
leaving. He told me it wasn't right to walk out on my mother's
wedding and I told him it wasn't right for her to make a horse's
ass of me. We argued back and forth, back and forth until
I stormed out and he followed me.
I was almost at the cloakroom when my mother's big buttinsky
friend Rosemary approached me with her stupid buck-toothed
daughter Kitty.
She
waylaid me and said "So, Jenna, where is your fiancé?"
I told her he was right behind me and gestured to Jeff, who
was trying to get through the crowd.
Rosemary went on. "You remember Kitty don't you, the
one that's married to a surgeon? What's your young man's name?"
I was about to answer when her daughter cut in and said "Jeff"
just as he approached.
I
asked her where she knew him from and she said "My daughter
and his son are in the same playgroup. I'm also best friends
with his wife."
Oh
God. This is worst day of my life.
OH.
GOD!
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