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Jenna's
Diary appears bi-weekly.
July
4th
I'm
am so angry. Angry and completely destroyed.
The
thrill I felt when I threw Jeff's clothes off the balcony,
the "I don't need you" feeling as I told him that
I never wanted to see him again and the "I am in control
of my life" feeling wore off the minute he pulled his
last pair of underpants off a cedar and headed off down the
street.
I
wish I could drink myself into oblivion but I have no liquor
in the house and I can't bear to face the concierge because
a) he hates me and b) he helped Jeff pick up his toiletries
and probably sided with him.
This
isn't fair. I do my best to be a good person. I never lie
unless it is to protect myself. I don't swear unless I'm really
mad. I don't drink unless I'm out at a party or if I want
to unwind a little. I don't smoke. I give to charities or
plan to once I find one that appeals to me. I have a kind
word and a smile for everyone I meet unless they've crossed
me.
This
is just not fair.
His
lies, his cheating - he might as well have ripped out my heart,
put in on the railway tracks and then once the train ran over
it, pounded the remains with a mallet and then took all the
little pieces and put them in a blender and then poured the
contents in the dirt and then stomping on the dirt with golf
shoes.
This
pain is more than I can handle. I've been lied to before,
sure. I've been betrayed quite regularly but there was a level
of humiliation here that even I haven't experienced.
I
feel like such a loser.
8:30
I
just ate a can of cake frosting.
Now
I feel like a fat loser.
July
5th
I
called Jenny for some support and just as I suspected she
launched into "aha! I told you so!" which really
didn't help. She said it was so obvious that this would happen.
Lying about his marriage, his kid, getting fired. She said
only an idiot would've believed him which she quickly followed
up with "no offense."
Then
she went down a path that in my intense heartbreak I had not
considered. "Jenna, you better be careful. If the way
he dealt with his ex-wife in any indication you could really
be in danger."
Oh.
My. God.
I
hadn't thought of that.
Jenny said that Jeff was obviously unstable and that he certainly
had issues with rejection. Before she was through I was shaking.
Jenny, I guess sensing that she'd scared the willies out of
me suggested she throw a few things in a bag and come to stay
with me for a few days. Her kid is with his father for two
weeks and she hadn't made any plans. This last part I felt
really cheapened the gesture but I was so freaked out I agreed.
Why
didn't I think of that? Jeff is no run-of-the-mill creep,
he is a creep who was just charged with terrorizing he ex-wife!
Maybe I shouldn't have tossed everything off the balcony,
maybe I should have slipped a note under the door and then
left town for a few days.
I'm
really scared. If he would do that to his wife who he didn't
love half as much, what is he going to do to me?
I
am so frightened.
July
6th
The
first thing Jenny did was have me call a locksmith and then
she had me look into changing my telephone number.
She
asked me if I thought about moving but there is absolutely
no way I can afford it right now. I have no savings and I
can't hit on my mother for more money - unless Jeff tries
to kill me of course. If she knew my life was in danger then
she'd have to cough up or it would look really bad in the
newspapers when my lifeless corpse is discovered.
Jenny
brought over some dinner but we were both too nervous to eat.
We just picked at it and watched the clock. It was really
nerve-wracking. To take our minds off it we talked about movies
but that didn't help as her favourite movie of all time is
"Fatal Attraction."
When
the phone rang at 9:30 pm I almost jumped out of my skin.
We were frozen with fear until Jenny snapped out of it and
marched determinedly to the phone. She answered it and a strange
look came over her face. I was ready to faint until she hung
up and said "It was someone ordering Chinese food."
We
analyzed this call until four o'clock in the morning. We finally
decided that it was: a) Jeff who recognized Jenny's voice
and quickly thought of a diversion to avoid detection or b)
someone ordering Chinese food.
It
was really creepy. God what lengths will he go to! Jenny and
I slept together in my bed, something we haven't done since
we were kids, mostly because she snores and kicks but partly
because we had a slumber party when we were nine and Joey
McManus called us lesbos. It was such a comfort having her
there. Everything familiar seemed sinister. The dripping tap
sounded like knocking, the shadows seemed to multiply and
there seemed to be eyes in the cracks of every door.
My
mind was going crazy but I realized something very important.
If Jeff is to be caught I will have to be very diligent. I
will have to keep a complete record so that the authorities
will have no problem convicting him and God will have no problem
condemning him to Hell for all eternity.
6:00
a.m.
TO
WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
If
you are reading this then I am dead. My killer is Jeffrey
O'Neill. Please punish him to the fullest extent of the law.
I will fully document in the coming days the events leading
up to my death in order to make it easier for you.
To
my family and friends, I hope your "I told you sos"
are giving you comfort because that's all you have left of
me now. Perhaps if you'd been nicer to me, made me feel a
little more important then I wouldn't have fallen in love
with a psycho, so really this is all on your heads.
For
my funeral I would like white roses and I want the following
songs: "Always a Woman" " The Rose" "My
Heart Will Go On." and "I Will Survive" sung
by a gospel choir.
I
would like all my family friends to stand up and say a few
words about my love of life, courage, etc. and I
want to be buried in the black sequined dress at the back
of my closet. It's too tight for me now but I believe you
slit everything up the back anyhow so it shouldn't matter.
I
have some pictures in a box in my underwear drawer. I want
these transferred to video with "Memories" underscoring
it. This could be played at the candlelight vigil. I would
like the picture of me taken in Jamaica (the one with the
Post-it that says "this one" ) to be used for all
the newspaper stories and the one taken on March 17th 1992
to be used at my funeral and yearly memorial services. I would
appreciate it if someone could airbrush out the beer-can hat.
Gosh,
that's harder than I thought it would be. The whole note is
tear-stained. I was going to write it out again but someone
might want my DNA so I better leave it as is.
I
wish I'd had a baby, that way there would have been something
left of me in this world other than my legacy of hope.
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