The Women Behind Happy Woman

Savannah Lawless

(as told to her long-suffering personal assistant, Elizabeth Hanes)

Q: Where do you currently reside?

A: I am still in Scrub Brush Springs, New Mexico -- at least, when I'm not jetting off to exotic locales like Albuquerque or Eyjafjallajökull.

Q: Where were you born?

A: I don't know; I wasn't there.

Q: Favourite Book(s)

A: War and Peace, The Sound and the Fury, Cat in the Hat

Q: Favourite Films(s)

A: I have always felt "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" to be an insightful interpretation of the universal tropes of love and hate, and an expressive look at the unique role of Twinkies in modern American society. But I've only felt that way after drinking a crate of Dos Equis.

Q:Favourite Hobbies/Past times

A: Marriage, obviously. And, of course, divorce.

Q:What is your motto?

A: Let's get out of these wet bikinis and into a dry martini.

Q:Which living person do you most admire?

A: I think Bobo "Orange Sunshine" Diesel, my attorney. His brilliant argument convinced the court it's not technically illegal to ride a Dyson down the sidewalk at midnight while wearing a filmy peignoir and shouting, "Show me your samovar, Woody! Show me your samovar!"

Q:Your greatest fear?

A: Running out of gin.

Q:Favourite vacation spot?

A: Well, I always enjoy Catalina. And she enjoys Tuscany, so that's where we usually go.

Q:Do you have any pets?

A: My allergies don't permit me to have any pets aside from a few dozen chinchillas, several mules, a rattlesnake named "Opa," three canaries, and a Komodo dragon.

Q:What is your favorite word?

A: "Open." As in, "bar."

Q:What sound or noise do you love?

A: The snap of the sealed cap breaking on a fresh bottle of vodka.

Q:What sound or noise do you hate?

A: The martini glass shattering on the cold tile floor.

Q:What is your favorite curse word?

A: What the f*ck business is that of yours?

Q:What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

A: I truly and sincerely believe I was born to be a roustabout. Or a champion bass fisherman.

Q:What profession would you not like to do?

A: Sobriety coach for Lindsay Lohan currently tops my list.

Q:If Heaven exists, what would you expect to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

A: "Obviously, there's been a mistake."