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January 2011

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Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I consider myself to be a virtuous and respectable young woman. Recently, I was asked to be a member of the wedding party, ultimately partaking in bridal activities. Although I was quick to refuse the sex-crazed siren song of the bachelorette party, I thought it appropriate to attend the wedding shower.

Now I was not personally acquainted with this particular bride prior to her bridal shower. She is the intended wife of my cousin Douglas (Please let’s not get started on Douglas! Although he is a sweet boy, Douglas is a bit on the dumb side. He tends to gravitate toward the side of evil, as opposed to my side, the good side.)

...MORE

By Christina Delia

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November/December Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

Should you get your niece a pair of Uggs for Christmas, or is this just the first step in a downward spiral to Kim Kardashian-hood? On the other hand, wearing Uggs is about the best form of birth control for a woman/girl that has ever been invented and may in fact be a plot conceived by Planned Parenthood. These boots make the wearer seem both unattractive and insecure, a one-two punch that anyone who has ever been on a dating website knows better than to exhibit.

By Debra Victoroff

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This Week's Featured Video:

HWTV-- "The Giving" Featuring Irene Duma and Sharon Grehan-Howes

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How-to Secrets of a Real Couponer

Hi, my name is Suzy Q, the creator of the original money-saving blog created in 1985. I have been couponing for the past 35 years and I have saved a grand total of $1.2 million dollars. I am about to divulge some of the best-kept secrets of the couponing world. Now—with this classified information—you too can join the elite 26.4% of shoppers who save 72.8% on their groceries every year.

The very first, most important thing that you must understand, that you must cherish, that you must fully respect, is the triumphant treasure of a coupon. In this world of survival of the fittest—trust me—coupons should be your life. The Golden Rule of couponing is: “Treat all coupons like bricks of gold.” MORE

By Suzy Q as told to Aubrie Olsen

Juice Bags: Why recycle them when they can be worn?

Juice bags are handy pouches that hold flavored beverages such as lemonade, fruit punch and apple juice. Some brands of juice bags are recyclable, with manufacturers offering a small cash reward to participating schools who turn in used juice bags.

While that is a noble project, why not put juice bags to use in a way that will keep them in service forever?

By Karen Nehima

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The Diary of Mrs. Claus

December 3

I found a diet in Good Housekeeping "Slim Down for the Season" and so far so good. I've lost two pounds this week!

For dinner tonight I prepared a chef salad with a vinegar and lemon dressing. Nick finished it without a word of complaint and I was delighted but I should have known better.

In the middle of the night I heard stirring and there he was sitting in the dark, stuffing himself. Honestly! The man has no self-control. He polished off a can of cocktail sausages and half a jar of olives. I was so angry.

I am very concerned about him. He's very flushed and short of breath. I took out his suit and it looks like I'm going to have to let it out at least three inches!

He says it's muscle, which is fine if he plans to lift the presents with his stomach. MORE

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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NEW-- Week Eleven --Jenna's Diary

(A new Jenna's Diary will be up on soon. Sorry for the delay, she seems to have hidden it in a different place.)

Friday

Julie had her baby last night. I’m totally pissed that she didn’t call me the minute she arrived at the hospital. We were supposed to go through this together! Instead, her husband Tim, her mother, her father and his mother were all there. Why she chose to give birth with a lot of strangers around rather than her best friend is beyond me but I’m not going to let it bother me.

2:00 p.m.

I phoned Christine and she’s mad too. Seriously, I don’t even remember seeing those people at her shower!

2:07 p.m.

OK they weren’t at the shower because I forgot to invite them but still. MORE

How to Snap Your Fingers

Whether you need to get the cat's attention or wish to express your approval after listening to a beat poetry session, being able to snap your fingers is a handy skill to have. Beginners will find the following pointers helpful for mastering this useful task. ...more

By Karen Nehama

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How Not to Get Over Your Ex

Breaking up is hard to do, though arguably, the hardest is the aftermath of the situation. Avoiding each other when you inevitably run into him at the grocery store,

or wondering if that necklace he gave you for Christmas, four years ago, is still yours. If he wants it back, do you have to give it to him? Worst of all, the unhappy retrieval of all the things you left at his place, including that box of tampons. Does the humiliation stop? When you finally have the basics figured out, the most difficult part of the break up rears its head and you are left with the question, how do I get over my ex? There are definitely a lot of excellent theories, though perhaps it might be easier to solve this question by answering its complement. How can you avoid getting over your ex? MORE

By Jennifer ten Haaf

Jenna's Diary Updated every Friday

The Rule of Being Cool: A Newly Cool Guy's Perspective

Dear Editor:
I'm quite delighted to be able to pen this article. Some time ago, you see, I was sight-seeing from my squalid home-box (the rats have chewed delightfully perfect-sized eye-holes). After resting from my usual 10 o'clock jaunt, I looked around and saw a fashionable teenager and her group of similarly-aged friends walking from the mall parking lot to their car. The obvious leader of the group was chatting incessantly to her cohort, and she pulled out a pair of what looked like expensive blue jeans from the hip store Hollisthim. MORE

By Kiera Durfee

NEW October/November Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Your guardian planet Neptune is shrouded in fog and so are you. You need to snap out of it, or at least turn off the fog machine that that crew member from "Phantom of the Opera" left on your lawn. On the other hand, you do like decorating your house for Halloween and the fog machine is so cool – perhaps you can wait until the day after Halloween to clear things up, on your lawn and in your life. Don't make any sudden decisions when shrouded in fog – you may take a tumble and land in the dog's water bowl. ....more

By Debra Victoroff

FREE Fill-in-the-Blanks Iron-Clad Prenuptial Agreement

Exclusively for HW readers, we offer this boilerplate prenuptial agreement to protect your assets (and get all of his) for prospective brides from all walks of life. Simply print this out, fill in the blanks, sign it, and stash it someplace safe where he can't get his hands on it but you can easily find it when he reaches his financial peak.

By Elizabeth Hanes

Bride Dish With Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am not your usual bride-to-be, in that I have been happily married for two months now. I’m not writing in to complain about my hubby, or my floral arrangements, or even my mother-in-law (Hello, Daphne, if you’re reading this! I mean, Mom!)

Mags and Dags, this is regarding the present. More specifically, this involves a wedding gift. However, since I am writing to you right now, I suppose the present could refer to present day, as well. They say there’s no time like it! Okay, I’ll make my point: My friend Madelyn did not give us a wedding gift. Can you believe it? I went to her wedding! Oh yes, I did! I spent oodles on her china pattern! On Limoges! And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, but Limoges are not cheap...more

By Christina Delia

How to Write a Best-Selling Quadrilogy about Humans

Count Vladimir Ronald Dracula: AUTHOR’S COPY!

Speech for VAMP (Vampire Authors Masquerading as People) Convention

Hey, everyone! Wow, look at this turnout! I had no idea there would be this many aspiring VAMPs around. So, I’m loving this town Spoons! It reminds me of a town I know called… knives! (Insert big guffaw here.) Sure smells good out there—what is that? It kind of smells like… a redhead! (Make sure you do a BIG vampire car-salesman laugh: Muah ha ha ha!)... more

LAST ISSUE

An American Girl's Guide to Being Kate Middleton

At last! Katherine Middleton of Somethingshire and Prince William of Hogwarts have tied the royal knot. In the more than 7 years of their courtship, (minus the brief “break” the two took when she had a brief and disastrous dalliance with Joey ) the charming Kate has certainly been put through her paces. The English customs of aristocracy can be confusing, perplexing, and downright silly when left in the right hands, let alone when passed into the wrong ones (the wrong hands being the left ones). How soon we forget that terrible day in 1803 when the Duchess of Tiddlywink nearly instigated a war with Prussia when she inadvertently spread jam on the east side of her scone (everyone knows you lick jam right out of the jar!) Kate, however, has passed through the field of aristocratic etiquette land mines as dainty and lithe as those silly little hats she wears coveted by drag queens everywhere.

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By Sheila Moeschen

HW CLASSICS

Role-Play Your Way To A Triple-X Sex Life!

Here's a question for you love-starved ladies: what's the sexiest part of your body? The answer is your brain! I should say at this stage that most men disagree, citing breasts, legs, lips, buttocks, the waist, back, arms, eyes, (and in most cases the spleen, kidneys and liver) as sexier than their girlfriend's imaginative intelligence. But perhaps you don't have those body parts. Or access to lingerie. Or the ability to whistle and hold up a piece of raw meat. In which case, read on as we provide step-by-step instructions on how to create a host of sexy alter-egos that will leave your man breathless in the bedroom. (In some cases, breathlessness can be a sign of chronic cardiovascular dysfunction. It is worthwhile checking that a racing pulse and shortness of breath are a result of passion, not impending cardiac arrest.)

By Emma Rowley

The Classy Girl’s Guide to Unemployment

Thanks to the constant threat of layoffs, an unshakeable sense of impending doom pervades today’s job climate. Instead of obsessing over the indignities and

humiliations sure to befall you during this time of job insecurity, take control and give your downsizing a dose of style and class by following these tips from The Classy Girl’s Guide to Unemployment.

The Corporate Break-Up; or Killing Me Softly with This Job

When the “talk” between you, your supervisor, and the grandmotherly HR rep occurs it is critical to remain poised and dignified at all times. When your boss tosses around every euphemism invented for the dreaded phrase “you’re fired,” resist the urge to sigh loudly, roll your eyes, or smash him over the head with his marble and gold-plated desktop 2003 Outstanding Leadership Award. Above all, do not cry...

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By Sheila Moeschen

Premenstrual Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

In synergy with our Premenstrual Philosophy of Dusting -- "Why Bother?" -- we've developed a delightful array of premenstrual decorating ideas for Easter, whose main

feature is the prodigious dust bunny. Yes, if you've followed our no-dust policy for as little as two months in only one uncarpeted room, you'll find all the little puffs you need to create a premenstrual panoply of adorable Easter decorations. Here comes the Easter Dust Bunny, and his friends, too!

General Preparation

Sweep all the dust-bunny material you have accumulated from diligent lack of housekeeping into an old pillowcase. Tape the pillowcase shut and gently roll it over a carpet or rug until it has formed into the shape of a big ball. You now have the natural equivalent of polyfill, from which you can pull dust-bunny material according to your size needs. Talk about convenience, and it doesn't cost a penny!

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By Kate Heidel

MORE ARTICLES...

APRIL/MAY 2011

April/May Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Spring – is it here or not? Please discuss. Athena cannot figure out what to wear because even as she looks out her window in the morning and sees sunny skies and hears cheeping birds, by the time she gets downstairs and walks out the door, it is sleeting and people are fighting with inside-out umbrellas. Spring means sprouting daffodils and buds on trees but for Athena who is always cold it also means wearing her cute sleeveless blouse under a wool turtleneck.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20) This month Juno is faced with the reality of her maturing daughter, who needs a training bra. This strikes Juno as a bizarre term for a device made to support inanimate objects that can’t learn – otherwise Juno herself would be wearing one trying to teach her breasts to be sexy or at least symmetrical. But they are real slackers, those two, and never listened, even when Juno was dating Jenny’s brother Billy Mulligan and could have used the help. So even as she gets her daughter fitted, she warns her not to have high hopes for the “training” part of this object of attire, and to simply hope her bosoms have high IQs.

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By Debra Victoroff

April/May Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

`DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My fiancé Brent is desperate for us to save money. He wants us to be able to afford a down payment for a house, but I think the wedding is much more important. It’s like the party of your life! I try to explain this to him, but he’s a penny pincher like no other. Brent wants me to use silk flower arrangements instead of real ones! How could he not love real ones? I love real ones!

Denise Wants to Get Real

MAGS: See, I’m not a fan of real ones. I mean, real ones fall a little flat, if you know what I mean. I’m thinking about seeing a doctor to give me a little push-me-up. But I’d love to get brand newbies (that’s Medicine Guy code for “new boobies”; he’s a really great doctor!)

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By Christina Delia

Tiger Mothers /Seething Cauldrons

It’s been a tough time in the Tiger den. Despite appearing on several important morning talk shows, a few moderately interesting nighttime shows, and a humor show that I clearly don’t get, it seems that many people are somehow upset about my firm and inflexible belief that all Western childrearing is wrong. My thesis is this: Childhood is not about fun or happiness. It’s about the relentless effort towards a goal, and mediocrity is not acceptable. I guess I should have done some research prior to the media blitz. But then I would have had to buy a TV or a popular news magazine, and who has time for that. I have a full-time job, a husband, a household, and two children to micromanage lest they develop an independent thought.

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By Pamela Miller

February/March Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Athena hears that the New York Groundhog did NOT see his shadow, but the Pennsylvania groundhog DID see his, throwing the weather casting community, who determined this method for determining whether we get 6 more weeks of winter, into chaos and conflict. Athena never quite understood how this was supposed to work since, let’s get real: this is a rodent people, and it’s not even known for fetching a ball let alone predicting climatic conditions. We could see if maybe a border collie was asked what the future would bring – these dogs are really smart and can be counted on for stock tips – but a ground hog? After consulting with her border collie, Athena decides to invest in a new pair of snow boots, as well as oil futures.

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By Debra Victoroff

February/March Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: My future husband Nick and I are in a bit of a bind. We are planning the wedding ourselves, and are truly in a fiscal pickle. I might be losing my job in marketing soon, and I’m really not sure how we’re going to make ends meet. So far we’ve put the deposit down on a rental hall, and for the florist. Any advice for finding wedding day entertainment on a bare-bones budget?

Daphne Desires a DJ

MAGS: Well, this makes sense to me! Once I needed money! It always happens to some people eventually sometimes! I’ve never had a fiscal pickle. Is that like carnival food? I dated a carnie once…or maybe his last name was Carney? Or did he work for the rodeo? Or did we shop at Rodeo Drive? Or was it one of those bars where you can ride the bartender, I mean, the mechanical bull?

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By Christina Delia

February/March Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

Who gets to name a baby?

Frustrated Mother of the Mother.

Dear Frustrated

Are you kidding me? The mother, with whatever say she lets the father have. You have nothing to do with it.

God bless, Donna

Dear Madrone,

But the child in question is odd. What if she picks an odd name for my granddaughter?

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By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

January /February Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19) Well Athena, we made it through another year of lovers’ quarrels, cheating scandals, backstabbing colleagues and at least one shooting. And this was only on “General Hospital”. At least “General Hospital” has James Franco, as does every other form of media on the planet except, so far, the horoscope industry. Since he was apparently born under all twelve signs at once, he can’t concentrate on any one sign and would never know that, for example, Athena will take a cooking class this year and drop an expensive Cuisinart on her foot, but end up marrying the teacher who wanted to buy a new Cuisinart anyway. Beat that, James Franco!

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By Debra Victoroff

Bride Dish with Mags and Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: I am truly in an awkward position. Even though I am the bride-to-be, I find myself intimidated by my husband’s twin sister (just for privacy’s sake I’ll call her Jealous Jill). Well, Jealous Jill has had it in for me since our engagement party, telling me that all of my ideas are “stupid” and “boring”. Yes, it’s true I want pastel bridesmaid dresses. It so happens that my flower of choice is gardenia. And I am looking forward to our self-serve martini bar/ice sculpture of a drunken mermaid with her merman! It’s MY day, after all! Well, my future husband is no help with this. He always sides with his twin. Whaddaya say girls? Can you help me win this wedding war?

She’s Not MY Evil Twin

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By Christina Delia

January /February Advi ce from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Dear Readers,

Hop in the Ass as my grandfather (may he rest) used to say. It’s twenty frigging eleven, who could ever have predicted that? Oh wait…. Anybody could. Which is to say, anybody with any sense that is. There are all sorts of nutsy cuckcoo jamokes out there who think that the world is going to end because of this or that thing. Well I have news for you...the world isn’t going anywhere. Sooner or later YOU will, though. Not to be a wet blanket or anything, but that’s how it is. Speaking of which…

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By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

Libby Chats with Oprah Winfrey

Dear Readers

It would be really nice to just have an article appear in HW without having to write an apology first. I don't even get paid to write the apology which is like rubbing salt in the wound. Ok, first I'd like to apologize to Oprah Winfrey for getting drunk before during and after the interview, I'm sorry for disparaging her and throwing up in her Hermes Birkin bag. I honestly just thought I was going to burp. I'd also like to apologize to the Four Seasons, I will replace the drapes and the window:. I'm told the fountain can be fixed you just need someone who knows what they are doing. I would like to thank Debra Victoroff for posting bail and Kate Heidel for getting me home.

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By Libby Zimmerman

8 Tips for Organizing Your Bra Files

Want to know what Victoria’s Secret is? Large-breasted women carry their lives in their bras. For those of us who have trouble keeping things neat and organized, I’m sharing a few important lessons that I’ve learned through trial and error. (We all know how embarrassing it can be when a coworker asks to borrow a pen at that power lunch and you whip out a tampon instead.)

1. Balance is everything. Always store heavier objects in the cup of your smaller breast to prevent tilt. Erect posture is very important. Selection of a particular breast can also come in handy for lifting that nipple that hangs lower than the other. Store little-used items in the bottom of said cup to lift the sagging orb and provide that all-important wang chung (or is it fang shwoo?) that we all strive for. If this also happens to be the weightier breast, be sure the items are light weight (see tippage warning above).

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By Annie Busser Driver

Happy Woman Holiday Party Scoop

Well dear readers, here is the promised scoop on our annual holiday party.

We dined at Le Cirque de Soleil and what an elegant salad nibbling crew were we! (Except for one soul who wondered why they didn’t have prime rib and asked for her leftovers to be wrapped in the shape of a foil swan.) All of us looked delicious, me in particular but truthfully all the women benefitted from my skin’s youthful dewy glow .

(...) FULL STORY>>

Whip the House into Shape!

Rachel Zoe: Shut Down Your Holiday Dinner

A Fond Howdy from the Southwest

November Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

November Advice from the Godmother Donna Corleone

Raising Children Worthy of Your Wealth: The Rich Woman's Guide to Parentingr

How To Be A Happy Woman

The Rider