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EST. May 2000 (AD)

 
 

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>Recent Articles/Columns

  .How Twin Beds Can Save Your Marriage

Is your marriage on the rocks, or is your bed just too hard? Troubles in the bedroom are not always about sex. Sharing a bed can cause frustration and build resentments that can quickly turn a marriage toxic. Your spouse comes to bed late, noisily undresses and lands with a bone wrenching crash on the mattress beside you. Or he slides into bed and presses his cold feet against your warm legs, so that he can warm up. Then there is the snoring, teeth-grinding, gasping, noise-machine who rarely lets you sleep through the night. And, of course, a blanket hog can start a turf-war that will rage on into the early light. If you've been living with someone for at least six months, this is probably sounding very familiar.

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By Jennifer Gravel Vanasse

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.FAQ About Home Schooling

Once couples experience the miracle of creating a life, they innately start questioning every decision they ever make, worrying about how the outcome will effect their special, milk sucking, house dirtying brats. And because their child is doubtlessly the most brilliant baby ever born, education becomes a prime concern. To help alleviate any fears and to make your decision making process easier, here are the answers to the most popular home schooling questions.

1. Should I let my child be a part of the extracurricular activities the local public school offers?

No, the main purpose of home schooling is to keep children away from any possible outside influences. But if the child insists, present your own extracurricular activities. For example, offer mowing the lawn during summer break, raking the leaves in the fall, toilet scrubbing in the winter, and cleaning the drains in the spring.

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By Mindi Kohake

 

February 10th, 2006

.Cool Compilations! Mindless Musical Mixes Reviewed For You

Fancy boosting your CD collection but have no discernible musical taste nor the will to develop one? Or maybe you want to buy a little something for that special someone in your life, the one you've shared your deepest secrets with on those long nights where you just talk and talk and talk… How about a gift that says "Here - I have no idea what you're all about and couldn't give a monkey's arse, but this should cover all possible aspects of your character."

You, my dear, need a compilation album.


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By Annie McLaughlin
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.Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

I have this co-worker with a mouth on him, swears like a drunken sailor. In fact he is a drunken sailor, although I can't actually prove the drunk part. Or the sailor part. I can avoid the mamaluke most of the time, but it's a tap dancing school, and most of the students are not old enough to cross streets by themselves. Plus there is something just this side of creepy the way he shuffles off to Buffalo. Plus, he's the boss's nephew.

Kid Gloves, Monticello

FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.Kick That Silly Terrorist Habit in 8 Easy Steps!

So you're going along nicely and then one day BANG, you wake up with the realization that you might be a terrorist. Still not sure? Take this simple test.

A) Are your friends always wearing clothing items like balaclavas, mysterious pouches, ropes and swords, which seem a bit too Ancient Civilization?

B) Do you frequently find yourself at meetings where the discussion is always the same topic- Total Infidel Annihilation?

C) Is your nickname King of Ka-Boom?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, don't fret for it is not too late to make a fresh start.

 

January 27th, 2006

Updates & News

.Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

Several weeks ago, the Science section of The New York Times announced the discovery
of a previously unnamed star in our Milky Way.

As it turns out, tucked up there around the constellation VIRGO and causing a lot of confusion to astrologists there appears to be a set of astrological formations intended just for women. Your horoscope might be a whole lot more interesting than you thought.


FULL STORY >>

By Deb Victoroff
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.Ask the Diet Psychologist

by Phil McMaw, Ph.D. The Drive-Thru Doctor ®

I may not be Phil McGraw but then again you're no Oprah.

Why am I Fat?

Dear Dr. Phil,

Every morning, I look in the bathroom mirror and tell myself, "Today is the day I'm going to stick to my diet and exercise plan." But every night, I go to bed wondering how and why I failed. From the moment that first bacon-egg-cheese biscuit lures me in, I'm toast. My willpower fails me, and I wind up blowing my whole diet.

What's wrong with me?

Sincerely,

Butterball

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By Elizabeth Hanes

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.Alphabet Soup Spells W-O-W!

As part of our "Kitchen Basics" series, we've spent the last six months polling our readers to discover their most original uses for various cuisine staples. In this issue, our feature is good old-fashioned alphabet soup.

We hope you enjoy our selection of reader responses! And if you think alphabet soup is just a blend of over-salted broth, soggy letter-shaped noodles, and chintzy pieces of vegetable that fail to meet minimum nutritional standards, hold on to your H-O-R-S-E-S!

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By Kate Heidel

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January 13, 2006

 

.Bagging Your Blue-Collar Beau

You've chased CEO's, snogged stockbrokers, and enticed executives. You've agreed to blind dates with your mother's friend's attorneys, logged on to computer matchmaking services, and trolled many a Thursday night Happy Hour until everybody knew your name (and cocktail limit). And all you've gotten from it was a hangover, a stalker, and a nasty cold sore. Just when you think you've exploited all your resources and resigned yourself to sleeping with a cat instead of sleeping with a cad, a tall, dark, and handsome man croons, "Would you like to hear today's specials?"


FULL STORY >>

By Rebecca Ash
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.The Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Readers,

It's January. Hop in de ass, as my grandfather, may he rest, used to say after a glass of two of home made muscatel. Time to remind you of the resolutions you should be keeping although you won't, why should this year be any different?

1. Take stock of who has what you want, and how badly you want it. Kiss up accordingly.

2. Figure out who wants what you have. Decide whether or not you want to give it to them and what they have to do to get it.

Lots of times the same person ends up on list 1 AND 2. Then it depends which list they are higher on.

3. To hell with diets. Especially one that doesn't know the difference between good bread and the crapola that most places pass off as the staff of frigging life. Please.

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By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.Beauty on a Budget: Make at Home Facial Care!

Your TV is replete with ads for one facial beauty product after another. Some are sold exclusively on television or online, but all have one thing in common: they're much too expensive! Our bevy of beauty experts has developed three at-home "recipes" for facial care that can beat anything on the market.

Almost every ingredient you require is already in your kitchen, pantry, or bathroom. And those items that require a quick trip to the hardware store will afford you the opportunity to strike up a conversation with hunky Mister Hardware. We call that a bonus! And, as always, all of our products come with the Happy Woman Seal of Approval, (legally binding in Tobago and the Isle of Wight on alternate Tuesdays between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. local time, except when it isn't).

FULL STORY >>

By Kate Heidel

December 16, 2005

.The Skinny: Fabulous Gift Ideas for the Holidays

Revolving cat flap. For the fellow who spends too much of his day holding doors open for felines that can't make up their puny minds whether they want to come in or go out. When kitty is within 2 feet of this amazing device, its powerful vacuum element sucks her in . . . and out! In the process, the cat flap's firm vacuum action removes loose fur, fleas, and dead skin cells. No more allergies, Frontline, or picking up clumps of cat fur. Soon he'll think he owns a rex!

Warning: Squirrels, chipmunks, skunks, and other unauthorized animals may be sucked in. Do not walk or place objects within 2 feet of door. If small children are missing, you know where to check.


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By Elaine Langlois
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.Deck Your Ding Dong Halls: Holiday Decorating for the Inept and Apathetic

Everyone feels the pressures of the holiday season: the desire to give the perfect gift, cook the perfect turkey, throw the perfect soiree. Among these pressures is certainly the need to create a magical winter wonderland out of your mundane, workaday home. And yet many balk at the prospect of untangling the hideous ganglion cyst-like ball of twinkle lights stored in the attic or wrestling with the barbed needles of the Christmas tree that will only litter your carpet, clog your vacuum, and choke your cat. Unlike a certain felonious celebrity chef, designer, corporate mogul, and reality television star, most of us do not have a battalion of domestic elves with broken spirits to help us pour our own cinnamon spice candles or fashion topiaries out of hand-smelted jingle bells and twigs from the back yard. But there are a few inexpensive, everyday items that can turn your house from dreary to cheery in just a matter of minutes!

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By Allison Boye
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.Just in Time for Christmas --the Crafts of the 70's

If you love crafting but think you don't have the time or money to make Christmas gifts for friends and family, look to the 70s for inspiration--it was a simpler time, crafts were all the rage, and the finished products looked wonderfully cheap and slipshod.

Our featured projects let you revisit the 70s while earning 21st century crafting cred--in no time at all!

Pierced God's Eye

Bod-mod for the yarnaholic!

1. Weave a god's eye in two or more of your favorite colors of yarn.

2. Once the god's eye is finished, artfully decorate it with small earrings, both hoops and studs.
This is a thoughtful gift for your indie teen, especially if he or she has quit speaking to you.

FULL STORY >>

By Julie Ward

 

December 2, 2005

.The Happy Woman Guide to Wine and Spirits

If you normally leave the choice of wines to your snootier friends, fret no more! Just in time for holiday libations, here's our guide to wines and spirits for all occasions.

You don't have to be rich to serve wine. You only have to be rich to serve good wine. And you certainly don't have to be rich to serve cocktails. If Everclear and Kool-Aid is good enough for the HW staff, it's good enough for you. That said, here's our guide to choosing wines for any occasion without breaking the bank.

WINES

Rating Scale:

100 = as perfect as you can get for under $5.95

90 = tasty and cheap, a best buy

80 = perfect to give as a gift for that boss or co-worker you despise

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By Savannah Lawless
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.The Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

This really burns me up. I have friends come for coffee, they don't bring cake, they don't bring anything. They always come with hat in hand. I don't say anything, my mother raised me right. How can they get a clue? It's straining our friendship. I would no sooner go to someone's house without a present than I would run around town in my nightie. In fact I'm more likely to run around town in a nightie as I work for a club that caters to gentlemen who know what it means to bring a gift.

Indignant, Walla Walla

FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk
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.HW Rerun: The Twelve Minutes of Christmas

Who has time for holidays anymore? And even if you did have time, would you really want to spend it with your surly children? Your alcoholic in-laws? Your toad of a husband?

Unfortunately, social mores still dictate that we do "something" for the holidays. But this needn't mean you must spend weeks, or even days, performing the traditional rituals of the season. In fact, in just twelve minutes, quicker than you can say "Merry Christmas!", you can have the whole season wrapped up and be on a plane for Barbados to pamper yourself throughout the remaining six days, eleven hours and 48 minutes of your Christmas vacation. (Note, this method can be easily adapted for the eight minutes of Chanukah or the seven minutes of Kwanzaa.)

FULL STORY >>

By Elizabeth Hanes

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November 18, 2005

.The Skinny: Complicate Your Life!

For years we've been told to pare our lives down to the essentials. Life is too busy, too complicated: simplify! Like many of us, Jerry and Monica listened. They walked away from their high-pressure jobs, abandoned the kids, tore up the credit cards, threw out everything they hadn't used in the past year, and started making pillows, stock, and bread and preserving their own violet jelly.

But after a few years, the couple came to the realization that life was getting-well, too simple. They were sick of long, lazy afternoons in which practically nothing got done. They were tired of wholesome soups and breads and picking violets. And Monica swore that if she had to make another pillow, she was ready to throw the whole mess out the window.

FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois
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.The Body Beautiful: 10 Steps to Loving the "Real" You

It seems that in today's increasingly superficial, hyper-critical society, women everywhere are facing perpetually diminishing self-esteem, especially when it comes to our bodies. The media too often show us how to find our flaws and hate ourselves, whether we long to straighten our disgusting curly hair or transform our shameful, pock-marked rear ends into buns of steel. Well, we women have held ourselves to ridiculous standards of beauty long enough, and these are just a few easy ways we can free ourselves from the tyranny, once and for all!

1. Recognize that curves are sexy! Just look at Catherine Zeta Jones; she is one of the most striking and successful women in the world, despite her corpulent and clearly flawed size 6 hips.

FULL STORY>>

By Allison Boye
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.HW Rerun: Antique Linens as Emergency Shrouds

Ah, it's that time of year again: the holidays. And along with good food, festive decorations and presents, the holidays also bring family members. Lots and lots of family members. The old and the young, the large and the small, they all pilgrimage to your hospitable door because, let's face it, you're the only one in your family who can cook decently, decorate festively, and who actually had the drive to make something of herself in life and thereby possesses the wherewithal to give generous presents.

Of course, this annual influx of dozens of houseguests can only mean one thing: drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Everything from traditional spiked eggnog to champagne to cooking sherry and vanilla extract. Wherever and whenever you can tipple, you will, out of self-defense. And so will everyone else, frankly. How else could you graciously ignore Great-Aunt Edna's habitual throat-clearing, Uncle Harvey's off-color Santa jokes or little Bobby's incessant, bratty whining? Yes, it is alcohol that makes the holidays the warm and fuzzy family occasion we've come to know and love.

FULL STORY >>

By Elizabeth Hanes

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November 4, 2005

.How to be Assertive

It's simple: you can't get what you want from your man without telling him. But even if you feel you can't just come right out and say what you want, you can still get your point across. The key is non-verbal communication.

Psychologists might argue that non-verbal communication goes against the grain of "assertiveness." They might say assertiveness means communicating in a direct manner. Psychologists also might argue that my intense affection for faux fur constitutes a treatable condition, but to this I say, "Poppycock." And so should you.

You can be eminently assertive through non-verbal communication. Let's look at some examples.

FULL STORY >>

By Elizabeth Hanes
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.Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

The nutjob who lives upstairs is out of her frigging gourd, excuse my French. All she wants to do is play the bongos, and that she does all hours of the night.

I call the police but she insists it's me that's making the noise, not her and since her brother in law is on the job, this sticks. To make matters worse, my past record with my town's finest, well, is not really the most stellar, even though it does not by any means include disturbing the peace with any type of musical instrument whatsoever. This leaves me up, as they say, the creek, no paddles of any sort remotely in view. I am beginning to get very cranky due to lack of sleep and cranky is not good, where I am concerned. Can you give me any advice that will not result in me doing something that every one will be sorry for?

Sleepless in Battle Creek

FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Monk
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.HW Rerun: Thanksgiving Quiz- What is Your Wishbone Personality?

 

Every family has one -if not twelve -The Wishbone Warrior. Take this Thanksgiving Quiz to find out which end of the bone you're on!

1.) The wishbone is

a. Some kind of dog librarian thing

b. A beautiful symbol showing that even after Turkey Death, the spirit of Thanksgiving lives on.

c. Your Cousin Mindy's pet name for her new boyfriend's... area.

FULL STORY >>

By Christina Delia

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October 21, 2005

.The Skinny: Your Hair...Yourself


Are you tired of seeing doctors with symptoms of what later turns out to be an ulcer, Lyme disease, or a heart attack, only to be told, "It's all in your head"? In fact, it turns out they were right. Studies confirm that the source of many common medical problems facing women, from pinkeye to thyroid disorders to issues of self-esteem, is hair.

"Hair consists mostly of keratin," explained neurobiologist Lance Follicle, Ph.D., director of one study. "Like other proteins, keratin is composed of amino acids joined in polypeptide chains. Chemical imbalances in these amino acids-broken and misshapen links in the chains-cause many of the medical conditions women complain of."

FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois
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.Entirely Enticing Esthetics

How to Mesmerize Him with a Pedicure

Want a leg up in the competition for men? Use your feet. What with dollar store breast implants and liposuction running rampant, using your feet to enhance your sex appeal maybe the only way to distinguish yourself from all the other Mrs. Right wanna-bes out there. But that doesn't mean you'll have men falling at your feet without a little work. No, there is an art to the science of pedicures and the savvy woman will know how to use it. He has five senses and you have 10 toes, so your odds are 2:1 that you can win him over with the right pedicure.

FULL STORY>>

By Jennifer Gravel Vanasse
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.How to Become a Yummy Mummy

 

Now, just because you are pregnant, there is no reason to let yourself slide down that slippery road of "I am eating for two" or "I am too tired to make an effort." Just look at the many celebrities who, after all, are people like you and me, and who sincerely assure you in every interview that a little extra money or the help of twenty staff make them no different to any of you non-celebrity moms-to-be. Take a leaf out of their book to prevent yourself from turning into a misshapen, greasy-haired, sweats-clad lump with an attitude to match. Yes, with these easy hints and tips, you too can become a Yummy Mummy, as the moms-to-be who take care of themselves are so deliciously called.

FULL STORY >>

By Ulrike Lemmin-Woolfrey

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.HW Rerun: Halloween Costumes Even YOU Can Make

Still searching for the perfect costume for your child? This week Happy Woman offers four do-it-yourselfers that are sure to make junior the star of the party. Best of all, they are constructed from everyday household

items. Now you can saveyour hard earned dollars for more important things like...yourself.

ON A ROLL

Nothing says, "Happy Halloween" like a nearly empty roll of toilet paper (is there anything scarier?). To make

this life size model you need enough paper grocery sacks to equal your child's height. Tape them together to make a tube, leaving the bottom half of the back seam open if you prefer not to carry your child. Tape several two sheet lengths of paper towels in a long strip to simulate those last bits of toilet paper left on the roll.


FULL STORY >>

By Crystal Click

 

October 7 , 2005

Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

.Libby Interviews Jennifer Aniston

NOTE FROM LIBBY: Well a hearty hello to my very dear fans, it's lovely to be back! Lovely for you and nice for me too. That enforced two year rest did me a world of good!

I recently had the opportunity to interview Jennifer at her palatial if very sad and lonely home. Of course all she wanted to talk about was the breakup which is completely understandable and as you can imagine I was a great comfort to the girl at this time in her life and it would be very embarrassing, but necessary, if she chose to thank me with a gift.

FULL STORY>>

By S. Grehan-Howes
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.Advice from The Godmother

Dear Madrone,

My oldest lives with a nice boy, and although I'm not wild about the not married part, you know what they say about the cow and the free milk; they tell me they are making plans. I don't interfere, I never say anything, because I am not a troublemaker, but I'm not blind either, that they are trying to figure out things like, who to visit on which holiday, whether they settle down near this one's mother or that's, and what size wedding to have, if god willing they ever decide to do such a thing. I understand, Madrone, the questions are normal. But they are young, and have no clue that they are not the first people ever to have these thoughts. So I thought I would recommend to them the little pamphlet that you wrote with advice to people who are thinking of making a new family .but I can't remember the name of it, and where I can get one to send them. It would be such a service, my gratitude would come in the form of a sizeable donation to your favorite "charity".

I'm beggin' you, Madison

FULL STORY >>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.HW Rerun: A Stress Free Thanksgiving!

As the name suggests Thanksgiving should be a time of giving thanks. A time to appreciate what we have and who we have to share with. It is also a time where a fully grown woman can be scorned and marginalized for putting on a few pounds while her sister, the high-school dropout is praised to high heaven for teaching her slack-jawed son to say "paw paw."

If your family portrait would be better represented by Arbus than Rockwell these tips are for you!


FULL STORY >>

By S. Grehan-Howes

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September 23, 2005

.Cruise Couture

A generation or two ago, crossing the Atlantic aboard a palatial ocean liner was a luxury reserved for the moneyed class. In our time, however, stigma-free second mortgages have democratized the travel industry. Leisurely ocean voyages are no longer the especial preserve of the elite. Yet, the fabled glamour of yesteryear too often intimidates the modern traveler. Miss Middle America may even pass up a yearned for world tour, fearing her tatty wardrobe might provoke a sound snubbing from apocryphal snobs Mrs. Moneybags and Sir Spendalot.

Like any sophisticate, the typical American miss has sniveled over Titanic and slumped in a catatonic slaver before umpteen re-runs of The Love Boat. Bemused, she dithers over whether to stuff her steamer trunks with Edwardian corsets or alluring polyester gowns? In truth, both options are passé and an unassuming new aesthetic prevails. The motto of today's modish traveler is Careless Comfort.

FULL STORY>>

By Jessica Becht
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.The Skinny: Fall Fashion Outlook

We've just returned from a gala to benefit fashion's own: models who are victims of runway fatigue or who've been rendered deaf by years of blow drying.

The evening began with an auction of rejected designs and celebrity castoffs, conducted by the stars themselves, who were badly dressed in extremely expensive clothes. Top models participated in an eat-a-thon, the clear winner Ms. Jaundice Mal-de-Mer, who bravely consumed 15 rice cakes.

The event concluded with a reality show-type contest. Designers were locked in a room containing a sewing machine, accessories, a spinning wheel, and straw and challenged either to spin gold or to produce something to wear that the average woman wouldn't sneer at.

FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois

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.How to Flirt With Your Dentist

Although we may be more than adept at flirting with some of the professionals in our lives -- the stock broker, lawyer, spiritual advisor -- how many of us have considered the dentist a worthy focus of our charms? His is not a glamorous profession, true. But if you doubt the value of flirting with your dentist, just chew awhile on these sample goodies:

 

If that doesn't put the kibosh on your qualms, chant this excerpt from an actual cosmetic dentistry FAQ:

"Dental insurance usually does not cover cosmetic dental procedures."


FULL STORY >>

By Kate Heidel

September 9, 2005

.How to Be Queen of Your House

Being queen of your house means being organized. It means knowing what is here, there, and everywhere. If you have lying about any pens, pencils, paper, pads of paper, notebooks, bicycles, tap shoes, library books, paintbrushes, sheet music, baking mitts, ballet shoes, or (say it not!) glitter scattered about your home, it is time you realized that you are simply not living up to your potential as queen (and probably overusing that poor pea-brained head of yours). Not to worry.

FULL STORY>>

By Sarah Lambert
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.Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Box?

You know the feeling: the cupboards are bare, the bank account's even barer, and the time you've postponed has arrived. You must go shopping at one of those enormous big-box discount grocery outlets because you can't afford the civilized little Safeway on the corner. Nor can you continue feeding your kids Raman noodles with melted peanut butter and call it Thai food.

You've got to do it for them. But the thought of confronting huge expanses of aisles and dodging carts pushed by bargain-crazed shoppers makes you cringe. According to Dr. Mary Trip, Ph.D., You may be a victim of a recently discovered disorder called Boxophobia, the fear of shopping in large warehouse-like stores. Boxophobia has several variations:

FULL STORY >>

By Geri Hoekzema

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.Looking Your Best for the Paramedics

No woman wants to think about it: there you are, balanced precariously on the edge of your sofa, trying to nab that out-of-the-way cobweb, when suddenly you lose your footing and fall flat on your face. Three days later you awake in the hospital, and just catch the end of a cat chat among the nurses about how you were dressed "like trailer trash" when they found you. How humiliating!

It doesn't have to turn out that way. Read on to learn what you can do to transform the unforseen calamity into a beacon of admiration shining directly on you, the best-looking household injury in the neighborhood.

FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel
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.The Evolution of Homo Gurlis:*

A phenomenal new study of the Barbae Plasticae.

The theory of evolution stipulates that the first human-like creatures, the hominids, evolved from the primordial apes approximately four million years ago. The hominids, classified by the genus Homo, eventually gave way to the more modern Homo Sapiens, a species characterized by large brain mass and comparatively erect posture.

In an astounding event thousands of years in the making, the Homo Sapiens diverged into two subspecies, the Homunculus and Homo Gurlis. Members of the latter group of organisms, known as gurls, women, or females (the terms have been confirmed to be interchangeable), possessed advantageous traits that anthropologists today fondly call savvy and know-how.

FULL STORY >>

By Dr. Qinyun Wang, M.D., PhD., G.U.R.L.

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.Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

My sister and I are having an argument, I love her, but she keeps hacking me about this matter and we want it settled once and for all, we have both agreed your word will be the last one. She says family can drop in without calling, I say no, a heads up is only right. The last time she did this, I was in the midst of "doing my taxes" if you know what I'm saying, and the IRS guy wasn't too pleased to be interrupted. A little privacy would be nice,

Levittown
FULL STORY >>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.Woman's Magazine Covers - Are They Killing You?

We've all been there: you're standing in the grocery store checkout line, waiting for the person with the thirty-seven separate cans of cat food (and matching coupon for each one) to complete his transaction so you can buy your eggs and get on with your life. You look up from the semi-hypnotic motion of the conveyor belt…and there it is.

"Lose 10 Pound in 10 Days on Our Super Summer Diet."

Intrigued, you begin to reach for the magazine nestled in its wire rack. But another headline screams for your attention.

"Luscious, Easy to Make Blueberry Cheesecake!" A picture of a large, creamy wedge of cheesecake topped with freshly washed blueberries leers at you from behind the bright yellow caption.

Your hand hovers over this tantalizing image but a flash of hot pink from another publication catches your eye.

FULL STORY>>

By Debbie Shave
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.Just Say Yes

A recent study conducted by the Pediatric Institute of Passivity Research has found that undisciplined children are the happiest. In a longitudinal study conducted over a 10-year-period, researchers observed 526 children who ranged in age from 2 to 14 at the commencement. The children were divided into two groups. The parents of the children in the first group were told to allow their offspring to do whatever they wished and to give them everything they wanted. The children in the second group were the control group or the controlled group in this case because parents were asked to discipline their children in the customary fashion. The results were stunning.

FULL STORY >>

By Natalie Friedrich Kidd

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.The Skinny: Entertaining the Star Wars Way!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, people struggled with many of the same problems you and I do, one of which was entertaining. Do Ewoks eat meat? Does anyone really drink blue milk? Do droids need portalets? Should you invite an arboreal Dug and a Toydarian to the same party?

Forget Martha. For answers-and an event your guests can't stop thinking about no matter how hard they try-entertain them the Star Wars way!

Ambiance

Being a successful hostess begins with having the right attitude. "Be mindful of the living Force," play soft jazz, and use plenty of attractive groupings of pillar candles, and you will establish an atmosphere sure to put your guests at ease.


FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois

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.Lipstick: Your Magic Wand to a Successful Marriage!

We've all read the nuptial experts' strategies to keep your marriage going strong: communication, romantic dinners, wife swapping, etc. All tried and true, we admit, but none of them holds a candle to the undernoticed yet highly potent little tube of lipstick. You may not realize it, but every time you dial up one of those darlings you're unleashing special powers, not to mention the dyed and compressed donations of the sometimes endangered but always fashion-savvy whale.

We asked our married readers to send us their most memorable lipstick-hubby moments. Although hundreds of responses were worthy of a mention, we chose only the ones we considered inspiring enough to serve as a potential marriage saver. And, in the case of our first reader testimonial, a life saver!

FULL STORY>>

By Kate Heidel

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.The Runaway Bride - Tips and Tricks for a Clean Pre-Wedding Getaway

You must be familiar with this feeling: the crushing weight of the world resting squarely on your under-fed, over-exercised, self-tanned shoulders. Pesky friends and relatives are calling you relentlessly with tiring questions about the cake, the dresses, your shoes, your hair. Your husband-to-be can't stop talking about his buddies and the stripper they are not going to hire (sure) and his guys-night-out. And, worst of all, your father has a running tally of every cent he has spent and will be spending for the "happiest day of his life." What's a girl to do? Run. Fast and hard. No matter where you are in the US, you can probably make it to Vegas by sundown.

Just in time for the wedding season, here are some tips and tricks for a runaway bride.

FULL STORY >>

By Robin Whitsell

 

June 10th

.The Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

I have a problem, and nowhere to turn. I throw myself at your feet, and ask you to take pity on me. It's like this. My husband is out of the picture. He took himself out, if you know what I'm saying when he decided that after fifteen years, three children and God knows how many loads of laundry and hot meals, he'd rather date a hot load, who looks fifteen. So be it. He's dead to me, although so long as he's not busting my chops with the child support, I insist the children show him the proper respect. That's not the problem. It's this. I have needs, and one of them isn't the need for a new husband. How can I take care of these exigencies without the neighbors talking or the children knowing?

Hot and not bothered, Carroll Gardens

FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.ORS - The All-New Health Scare!

Calm? Happy? At ease? Well, maybe you shouldn't be. A new psychological study has discovered evidence of a troubling condition suffered by the twenty-first century woman: ORS or Overly Relaxed Syndrome.

Sufferers of ORS typically get through their days with only a modicum of worry or stress, which is bad for a woman's health, the family unit and the economy. "Constant stress is very good for a woman" says Dr Manlove Powers, who is heading up research at the IDNS (Institute for the Discovery of New Syndromes). "It keeps the heart rate and blood pressure high, so the woman is alert and on fighting form at all times. It is also excellent for her family because if a woman is too relaxed and laid-back, her partner and her children may have to start thinking about tedious things, like cleaning or organising the household."

FULL STORY >>

By Emma Rowley

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.Speak the Summer Slang: How the Girls Will Be Gabbing This Season

For years the summer season has consistently filled our otherwise empty lives with new fashions, hit movies, and white-hot tan lines. Yet there was always something missing from the fireworks, weenie roasts, and humid nights of drunken debauchery. What was missing, you ask? Was it a hit song on the pop charts with "summer" in the title? No, we have too many of those already. A reality show filled with fireworks, weenie roasts, and humid nights of drunken debauchery, but edited to television prime-time standard perfection? Perhaps with two contestants from former reality shows battling over who gets to sing "The Star Spangled Banner" in a toothpaste-crafted bikini during The July Fourth Special of this hot, new summer reality show! Sure, why not, we could certainly use another reality show.


FULL STORY >>

By Christina Delia

 

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May 27th

.The Skinny: Living Every Moment

Most of us can't remember what we ate for breakfast this morning, unless it involved sugar-let alone what we've been doing with our lives. Asked to recall the highlights of the past decade, many women can summon only jumbled, chaotic memories of men they're pretty sure they dated and sex and luxury cruises and Thai food.

While that doesn't sound too terribly bad, you can do better. You can step off the moving walkway of your life and start living mindfully, aware of every moment.

Brushing your teeth. Focus on each individual tooth. Think about how they work together to chop your food into tiny bits. Think of how poorly you pay them back by eating Mars Bars and double chocolate mousse cake and not flossing regularly or brushing three times a day. Reflect on your cavities and how you might not have them if there were fluoride treatments when you were a child.

FULL STORY>>

By Elaine Langlois

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.Cycling in Skirts

While cycling has recently experienced a resurgence of popularity in this eco-friendly age, the particular brand of cycling most actively promoted is a grim, sweat-producing, point A to point B type of experience. If you are one of those people who adhere to this philosophy you will not appreciate the refined joys of cycling in skirts. If your cycle has 18 speeds, has stunt pegs on the back, or shocks on the front - then this article is not for you.

To get the most out of cycling in skirts you must cycle with a sense of whimsy. Cycling is an activity in and of itself, regardless of where you end up, or whether you break a sweat. Is your bike red? Does it have fenders? A wicker basket? A wide, commodious saddle? Then read on.

FULL STORY >>

By Pauline Harder

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.Are You Pregnant? Let the Magic 8 Ball® Help You Decide!*

You're successful in most areas of your life, confident and sure - but using the right anti-perspirant isn't always enough. Lately you've been noticing changes that trouble you, like you've outgrown your fat clothes and growl at anyone who comes near your food. You sense something is different, but hesitate to talk to your doctor.

Discussing health issues unique to women - such as pregnancy - can be a problem. Perhaps you are embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about your body. Maybe you slept through health class in high school.



FULL STORY >>

By SB Shoemaker

 

May 13, 2005

The Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

There is this two faced rat fink, who is employed by my husband. She is in a wheelchair, which she plays up for pity, but let me tell you, if a baby squirrel was in between her and a chance to tell a lie, the road crew would be scraping the fur out of the wheel tracks. Here's the thing…I am the secretary for the Ladies Auxiliary of the American Legion. Ratfink is the president and her sister, that one, what a crepe hanger, always playing the martyr with her lumbago, is the treasurer. After our last pot luck, we came up $300 short. I'm not saying they lined their pockets, but I did say we should look into it. They went ballistic and quit the Ladies Auxiliary, and are now telling everyone in town that I victimize the disabled. Should we still examine the books? And is it disloyal for my husband to keep her on the payroll while they cast aspersions?

Steamed, Ronkonkomo

PS. She is the shop steward for the union.

READ DONNA'S ANSWER>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.New Study Names Food as Culprit in Heart Disease

Experts Suggest Starvation as Alternative to Eating

For Maria Lancaster, it was just another Friday night at her local buffet restaurant in July 2003. Lured to the buffet table by intoxicating aromas of nacho cheese and undercooked beef, she built an impressive mountain of six-inch magnitude out of the restaurant's tasty cuisine and sat down to enjoy her evening meal. At 400 pounds, she felt healthy, vibrant, and hungry.

Ten minutes later, she was convulsing beneath the electrical currents of the defibrillator that, ultimately, saved her life.

FULL STORY >>

By Meredith Litt

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.A Salmon Guide to Catch That Fly Fishing Hottie!

Ladies, it's spawning season again - for our anadromous friends. Yes, the salmon and steelhead have eaten all summer, I know, I know, while we've all been starving ourselves to paint on bikinis, to make their final labors of love on the inland rivers. It's constant sex, pregnancy, then death - doesn't it just feel that way for all of us?

Every girl knows that the fly fisherman is the ultimate catch -overweight, rich, and obsessed with tying knots. What's not to love? On your next date with the man with the rod, you will reel him in with your understanding of his favorite prey. If you see one of these little numbers, on your dinner plate or in the river, a few tidbits from this guide will impress your man with your knowledge of Genus Oncorhynchus.

FULL STORY >>

By G.X. Robillard

April 29 ,2005

.The Skinny; New Food Guide

The U.S. and Canadian governments are revising their dietary guidelines for citizens. The well-known Food Guide Pyramid (see picture) has undergone an Extreme Makeover. Happy Woman cuts through the hype and gets you the real deal on what to nosh-and not!

FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois

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.Sally Lee's 7 Day Almost Homemade® Meal Planner

Week after week, millions of ordinary woman face - and lose - the challenge of making family meals humdingers instead of humdrum. This dilemma was the inspiration behind my newest contribution to your Almost Homemade Life®: the 7 Day Almost Homemade® Meal Planner.

Appearing every seven days, this patented system is available exclusively to readers of my Almost Homemade® Magazine, viewers of my syndicated television show Almost Homemade® Cooking, and registered subscribers to www.almosthomemade.com.

FULL STORY >>

By SB Shoemaker

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.The Joy of Being a "Girl"

Executive Assistant. Administrative Professional. Medical/Legal Secretary. All politically correct terms for the woman who has chosen as her career the difficult task of supporting someone else's profession. This time honoured occupation, once held only by men, was infiltrated and eventually usurped by our fore-sisters. No longer relegated to working as a maid, nurse or primary school teacher, our ancestors forged another avenue for women with marketable talents. Women could also be "Girls".


FULL STORY >>

By Jennifer Gravel Vanasse

 

April 15 ,2005

.Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone

I have two daughters, such good girls, we share everything, I have no complaints, like lambs they are. But I can see trouble coming. One of them is such a glamour girl, takes after my side, thank God. The other is not a prize winner, sadly her face could stop a truck, just like her father, even though every one will tell you that she also has his pleasant personality. Right now they're young, dates don't matter, but soon one will be getting all the calls, the other, nothing. It's harsh, but true. What will I tell the one when she asks me if it's her looks? I don't want to lie, but I don't want to make anyone unhappy. How can I answer her?

Honest from Park Slope

Read Donna's Answer to Honest >>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.The Best Friend Solution

There is a problem with our society and how we women have been programmed to live in it. From birth we are set on a path of dating, marriage, children and then retirement and death. Sadly, divorce is now a very common part of the cycle, clearly a sign that somewhere things have gone awry. Still, we comply as inexorably as geese flying south for the winter. Is this a case of "misery loves company"? Isn't it possible that tradition is leading us astray?

There you are an eligible young woman, out on the town having a great time with your best friend. These are the happiest days of your life. The fun is at its peek. You have no obligations other than to continue working to support your shoe-habit and no attachments other than to your best friend whom you adore more than anyone else in the world. Then, Mr. Right comes along and the pheromones start to fly. You fall deeply, madly in love. The older women in your family will finally be proud of you, having "landed" a man.

FULL STORY >>

By Jennifer Gravel Vanasse

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.Giddy Over Girdles!

The Mallomar and cigarette diet has forsaken you, just like all the others, leaving you as paunchy, cellulite-pocked, and bloated as at the launch of your latest regime. You seethe bitterly. The women of your grandmother's generation maintained lithe figures despite gorging on butter pats, hollandaise sauce, and quivering coconut cream pies set in tender lard crusts. Did they have a secret? Indeed they did. It was called a "girdle".

Perhaps the name of this special item rings familiar? It's time to yank one on, tubby. Yes, you. However, before investing in the industrial-strength corsetry you will surely require, you may want to study up on constricting undergarments. You will likely need an assortment of girdles to address varied figure flaws, from thunder thighs to a waistline of dimensions more usual to livestock.


FULL STORY >>

By Jessica Becht

April 1 ,200

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.The Skinny: Patience

What is Patience? Is it a Puritan gal who dances naked in the woods in a film, played by Winona Ryder? A hybrid car? Or perhaps the latest feminine product?

Patience is a virtue. Oh, one of those, you say to yourself, wondering whether there is any point in prolonging this conversation. But wait. Virtues are hot! They're the topics of bestselling books and fatuous speeches by preachers and politicians. Few people have them, which should be enough to make you want to get some of your own.

FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois

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.Pregnancy Guide: How to Keep Your Hair Looking Great


Third month: This is usually the time when a woman discovers she's pregnant. Only a very clever woman who pays attention to things such as her menstrual cycle will figure it out sooner. Your doctor will tell you, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" You'll feel elation, shock, or horror; maybe a combination of sorts. This stunned state will leave you with little regard for your hair. Buy yourself a hat and allow yourself some time to get used to the whole pregnancy thing. Think of it as an early birthday present to yourself.


FULL STORY >>

By Kristina Lind

March 18, 2005

.How to Get Eyes Worth Eyeing!

The secret to keeper peepers lies in one, glamorous word: makeup. Yes, lies. The wisest of women have been lying about the important things for years (namely age and hair color, although this writer once knew a smart surgeon named Bertha who graduated at the top of her class and now operates under the moniker Doctor Lola X. McBambi.) Remember that men like sexy women, but they lie to them, anyway. In fact, experts know that the way to any woman's heart is first lying to her face while looking her in the eyes. Yet the big questions remain: Why do men get to engage in all of this dandy duplicity? Shouldn't more women take on the role of becoming big, thin liars? Today's Independent Woman is in need of a coy con of her own. It's time to fetch back the fib, to keep our eyes on the lies! Ladies, start your eyelids!

FULL STORY >>

By Christina Delia

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.Do You Have Your B.A.?

I never knew I had a problem, yet now I can admit it's not just a problem it's a disease. The worst part is I was slowly dragging my seven-year old daughter down the same road and I couldn't even see it. It's just not something I did in public, so almost nobody knew.

How long had I been sinking into the abyss of bygone grooming practices? I don't know, it's been at least a decade since I publicly coifed. Years ago everyone was doing it, truth be told, if you didn't you were considered "weird" or "not with it".

I'd still be doing it if it weren't for that one fateful day...the day of my daughter's big year-end ballet recital. It was picture time, the photographer was about to shoot and I noticed my daughter's bangs were afflicted with a center part...


FULL STORY >>

By Crystal Click

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.The Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Readers,  I get tired of repeating myself, no one listens, but it can't be helped. Madrone, you keep asking me , what do you mean by family? My neighbor's cousin Dolly adopted a boy from one of those countries where terrible things happen…is that family? Or Sylvana treats her husband's aunt like it was her  mother... is that right?  Well, first let me say for me, family is blood.  What can I say, in the village where my people came from, a stranger was someone you didn't have blood ties with, and we didn't marry strangers. Most people have eight great grandparents, I only have four.  It's true, my hand to god


FULL STORY >>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

March 4, 2005

.The Skinny: Spring Fashion Report

Ready to throw off those layers of winter clothes but not sure what to wear instead? While it would be perfectly fashionable to wear nothing instead (see the fabulous Emperor's New Clothes and Lady Godiva collections), let Happy Woman sort through the hype for you and bring you the season's most winning looks!

Asp any girl. Snakeskin is all the rage, slithering its way from bags, belts, and shoes to laptop skins, skirts, coats, and—the snake itself. Try a python, coiled sensuously around your waist (big belts are a season must-have). Your serpent's gentle constricting action will shape your figure as no girdle ever could. Or drape it demurely about your neck (see “Clunky jewelry,' below). For a bold fashion statement, try wrapping a swamp adder about your head.  

FULL STORY >>

By Elaine Langlois

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.Making a Profit While Making Babies


You've been putting it off for ages.  All that inconvenience, the mess and – oh the expense!  Having a bundle of joy used to mean dropping a bundle of cash, but not anymore.

Welcoming a new baby into your home is easier and cheaper than ever before with the exclusive Bargain Baby Sponsor System® used for years by celebrities like Catherine Zeta-Jones and Anna Nicole Smith and now available for the first time to the public.

The kit comes complete with everything you need, including sperm, pregnancy test, calendar, and sponsor list with cross referenced chart for tracking each one. Just mark the calendar with your due date the instant the little plastic stick is dry (remember to wash your hands first!). Then pick up your phone and start to dial.


FULL STORY >>

By SB Shoemaker

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.Decorating TV Guide

Tune in tonight for "Bath in a Flash" where a happily (unmarried) host couple saws, grouts and plumbs a second bath in their home ­ in under 22 minutes." And everything turns out "fun" and "fabulous". But what happens during commercial breaks on TV decorating shows? While viewers watch a woman being chased by a toilet, only show personnel know... Here's the real behind-the-scenes footage you missed.


FULL STORY >>

By Mary Ketarkus Brown

February 18, 2005

.Dogma: How to Dig Up a Date Through Your Dog

Having trouble sniffing out a mate? Look no further than your toilet bowl for your key to a successful love life. No, you don't need to recycle your dinner; we're not talking diet here. I'm referring to that unconditional lover...your dog. (Note: you may want to refresh Fifi's water bowl before continuing, unless you prefer her new Eau de Toilette.)

FULL STORY >>

By Rebecca Ash

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.Health Alert: Hidden Household Hazards


On the day that Myrtle Marquart became a statistic, she never knew what hit her. That fateful morning, her vacuum cleaner malfunctioned, racing out of control when the speed governor failed.  If she had reacted differently, Myrtle might have survived, but she failed to let go as the machine quickly accelerated to speeds in excess of 80 miles per hour. By then, it was too late.


FULL STORY >>

By SB Shoemaker

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.Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

My husband and I have been together for a long time, and he has always been kind, never cheated doesn't beat me. He makes a good living. But he wants to move, for a promotion, to another state. On the one hand, it would be a come up for him, a classier operation than the one he is in now, a pay raise, more respect from certain quarters that matter to him. On the other hand, we have a very nice set up here, my friends and family are near and I have a good job.   There is no such promise if I move. He says he wants me to be happy, and I won't be happy if I move. But I won't be happy if we don't move and he isn't happy.  This whole thing is driving  us both pazzu.  What can you tell me?


FULL STORY >>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

February 4, 2005

.Acrostic Action: How to Get Some This Valentine's Day

So you want him to be your valentine. First, you're going to have to learn how to be his. If you're dating a man, chances are that his attention span is short. Sure, he seems to be into you, but he has also expressed interest in Marilu the Mousy Librarian and Doreen the Distressed Damsel. What's a confused and lovelorn female to do? This Valentine's Day, be the other woman (women?!?) in his life and learn the simple rules of *The Acrostic Action Attitude.

 

FULL STORY >>

By Christina Delia

January 21, 2004

.The Rules of Family: Advice from Donna Corleone

(We are thrilled to welcome Donna Corleone to the HW family and we hope you enjoy her monthly column!)

Dear Madrone:

I am most confused. My wife, who is a doormat, has a mother who is a big problem. Not to me, my mother in law loves me, this I don't understand, for I would like nothing better than to see her, well if not wearing cement overshoes, with a few pebbles in her pockets, if you get my drift. What the deal is, I finally couldn't stand how she runs my Cecilia to the ground, all the time, no matter what Cecilia does, it's not good enough. I told her off, politely, of course, in a very thoughtful well composed letter, four pages, which I sent without telling Ceil. Now the mother calls to say that from now on we are both dead to her. Ceil is corked off at me. Is this fair?

Sign me,

I just love my wife, what did I do that's so wrong?

Mahwah.

FULL STORY >>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

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.Leaving the House: The Jane Smith Story

An original film brought to you by The Domestication Network: Television to Scare Ambitious Women into Spinsterhood

In perhaps its most chilling production yet, The Domestication Network has unveiled a controversial new film starring Virginia McMaiden as the ambitious Jane Smith.

Jane Smith is a 30-year-old woman still living under her parents' roof. Because they have provided for her since infancy, she has not left the house since graduating from high school, reassured by her parents that there is nothing of value beyond their white picket fence. However, after spending an evening at home with her high school friends (who are all college alumnae), she decides that she wants to step outside the confines of her childhood home and experience adulthood.

FULL STORY >>

By Meredith Litt

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.You Can Have it All!

By Sally Lee

Do you have a real job? A spouse? Have you reproduced? In the traditional household, a yes answer to one or more of these questions usually meant an exhausting struggle as women juggled competing responsibilities, but no longer. You CAN have it all. By subscribing to my monthly magazine Almost Homemade®, you'll learn the secrets to obtaining the lifestyle you didn't even know you wanted.

Having a gracious, beautifully appointed home in the Hamptons, polite teenagers, a husband who does housework, celebrity friends like Oprah, a high-powered career, stress free holidays, and stubble free legs is not just a dream. This desirable lifestyle is easy to achieve with the right tools and shortcuts.

FULL STORY >>

By SB Shoemaker

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MORE >>