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_{Secrets of the Guys (AKA Things he will deny)}

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking about chocolate, as usual. You're not even paying attention. You should be, however. This article is going to supply you with endless blackmail material.

First of all, why does the author refer to the male species as "guys?" This is due to a genetic structure biologists refer to as "The Maturity Gene," and the fact that the male species does not have it. Those that do seem to have it are faking it. Do not trust them.

Females are born with it and have the ability to turn it on and off at will. This allows them to be lawyers and also read make-up tips and play truth-or-dare at slumber parties.

Back on subject, just what motivation could the author (the enemy) have to reveal secrets that will most likely result in his Guy Security Clearance being revoked?

The answer is simple: He has his own column in a woman's magazine. Obviously, he's being tortured.

I know what you are thinking. You are thinking GET TO THE SECRETS ALREADY.

Okay. Here we go. Are you ready?

You know how the female species can look at other members of the female species and admire their beauty and say things like, "Wow, she has great hair," or "I'd kill for a body like that!"

Well, this is going to come to a shock to you, but guys check out other guys, too. Guys are just sneaky about it. Regardless of what your guyfriend is going to say when you confront him, laughing, about this-- trust me. Guys can tell if another guy is attractive. The process, however, is a little different:

Upon seeing a good-looking guy, instead of saying something like, "Wow, he has great hair," a guy will most likely say something like this:

"Who's this jerk?"

And then he will imply things about the other guy's sexuality.

And then he will begin to talk louder than normal to distract you from the other guy.

He'll probably offer to show you his tattoos.

He might even try to juggle.

I know. It's silly. It's immature. You want more, don't you?

Whenever a guy says, "I work out for the health benefits," he's lying. He's working out so he can have abs of steel. Why do you think guys take their shirts off so much? They want to show you their abs. Even if they don't have any abs to speak of, they still want you to see them.

Whenever a guy says, "I didn't think Gladiator was really worthy of Best Picture," what he really means is "Russell Crowe isn't that good-looking. Get over it."

The thing to remember: Guys are competitive animals, and they do not possess The Maturity Gene. Always keep this in mind when they begin to act strangely.

Most likely it's because Brad Pitt just walked into the room.

In conclusion, the author hopes to have offered some shred of illumination about guys. The author also hopes for the Chinese Water Torture to end.

© 2002 Lee Arcuri

Contact Lee with your comments.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lee Arcuri lives in New York and is currently making his way in the Manhattan stand-up comedy scene. He was first published in a Dallas-area magazine called The Met. It was an article about how to obtain a good set of free cow eyeballs. He chose this topic because, frankly, the people have a right to know. He recently graduated from film school, and he enjoys writing his own bios in the third person.

Please visit Lee's website www.leearcuri.com to find out where he is performing, take a peek at his journal and don't miss his short film, The Rock Girl, an official selection at the Austin Film Festival.