Holiday Shopping with Candy and Biff

 

By Deborah Hall

 

 

Life and the holidays got you down? Relax. Your face needn't look like an etch-a-sketch of your broken dreams. Let's scoot over to the Shopping Channel to see if Candy and Biff can help!

 

Candy: "So, Greg and I grab a martini off the tray, everyone puts their keys in a bowl …"

 

Biff: "Can you see any powder under my nose?"

 

Okay people, we're on in five, four, three, two…

 

Candy: "Heeeeellllllloooooo! Welcome to the Shopping Channel! I'm Candy, and this is Biff!"

 

Biff: "Hi! Hi! Hi!"

 

Candy: "And we've got some exciting news!"

 

Biff: "I'll drink to that!"

 

Candy: "We're here to talk about a breakthrough in face care technology…the Micro-Dermabrasion Exfoliating Miracle!"

 

Biff: "That's a mouthful, Candy!"

 

Candy: "It sure is! Say, Biff, have you ever woken up feeling your skin was simply, less than dewy?"

 

 

Biff: "If by 'less than dewy' you mean not sure what city I'm in, who hasn't?"

 

Candy: "Then, Biff, this is an offer you'll love! Ever experienced dark circles, clogged pores, warts, scaly patches, unwanted hairs, oozing pustules or just a general ugliness?"

 

Biff: "Sure have, Candy! Why, before I tried this cream, I was positively reptilian!"

 

Candy: "You said it, Biff! And we, at the Shopping Channel, feel your pain. That's why, with the help of Dr. Fulofit, we've created a scientific solution to the problems that so many people experience, especially now, during the holiday season."

 

Biff: "Righty oh, Can!"

 

Candy: "Now Biff, what separates our MDB exfoliating miracle from other, less expensive, face creams?"

 

Biff: "Buyer I.Q.?"

 

Candy: "Oh Biff, you prankster!"

 

Biff: "A Dateline investigation?"

 

Candy: "Seriously, what makes MDB so magical is the secret ingredient. Our scientists, led by Dr. Fulofit, have been working tirelessly to stem the problem of wrinkled ugliness, which is quickly reaching epidemic proportions."

 

 

Biff: "There are some real dogs out there."

 

Candy: "Put the mirror down, Biff."

 

Biff: "I'm talking booooooow, wooooooow."

 

Candy: "Try to focus, Biff. Now Dr. Fulofit, who went to school, for a very long time…"

 

Biff: "He's super smart!"

 

Candy: "Yes, he is. And he's discovered that by adding sulfuric acid to the exfoliating miracle, you can get rid of that old, ugly face you're currently sporting and replace it with a new, younger, less repulsive you!"

 

Biff: "And who doesn't want that?"

 

Candy: "Exactly! But it's not just for holidays. Maybe you've got a wedding coming up, or a high school reunion. Possibly a party, a shower or a bake sale!"

 

Biff: "A meeting with your parole officer!"

 

Candy: "A bah mitzvah, a confirmation, a hazing, a séance!"

 

Biff: "A witness protection program!"

 

Candy: "Biff, how much would you pay for a miracle like this?"

 

Biff: "More than I pay my ex-wife, Canster!"

 

Candy: "You're a catch, Biff! With our easy pay plan, your new face is that much closer!"

 

Biff: "I wish my bookie had an easy pay plan!"

 

 

Candy: "I'll bet you do. But before we disclose the amazing price of our miracle face cream, let's tell them what they get!"

 

Biff: "Alrighty!"

 

Candy: "You'll get, not one, but TWO jars of our miracle cream, hand delivered to your door, packed in a beautiful cardboard box, surrounded by bubble wrap, and held together with the Shopping Channel's special glue!"

 

Biff: "I like glue!"

 

Candy: "Now, how much would you pay?"

 

Biff: "A lot more than I would for a hooker!"

 

Candy: "That's right Biff! And they charge a bundle!"

 

Biff: "Even more during the holiday season!"

 

Candy: "Oh, Biff, it seems we have a caller! We've got Bernice on the line…go ahead Bernice!"

 

Bernice: "Hi Candy."

 

 

Candy: "Heeeeellllooooo!"

 

Bernice: "Hi Biff."

 

Biff: "Hi, Hi, Hi Bernice!"

 

Bernice: "I watch you guys all the time."

 

Candy: "That's just super!"

 

Bernice: "Yeah. Anyway, my husband just ran off with our babysitter…"

 

Candy: "We all know what that's like, don't we, Biff?"

 

Biff: "Does she wear those knee socks and short kilts?"

 

Bernice: "So, I thought maybe if I had a new face, he might come back."

 

Biff: "With the little button-down white blouse?"

 

Candy: "Of course he will! But at a time like this, you'll want to order the super-saver double pack!"

 

Biff: "And those patent leather shoes?"

 

Bernice: "I'm feeling a little dizzy from the pills."

 

Candy: "Then you'd better order right away Bernice, because these are going fast!"

 

Biff: "Sure are!"

 

Bernice: "I shlink I shloud shlit down. I …."

 

 

Candy: "Oh, it appears we're losing Bernice, but that's okay because we're just about out of time! Don't forget to stock up on our show stopper! And Biff and I will be back later with Santa's super-simple cellulite blaster!"

 

Biff: "We'll sell-ya-later!"