May Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
Early this month you'll be the center of attention when 2 inches of your 3-inch high heels gets caught in the slats of the old-fashioned escalator at Macy's. With one hand on the moving railing, you'll struggle to free yourself, becoming more frantic as the top of the escalator looms, resulting in you looking like a duck at a carnival shooting gallery. We say, sometimes it's better to give up a shoe than lose a limb. You have to decide if this is one of those times.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
A hair appointment goes awry when your usual girl runs away with her tattoo artist, leaving you seated before her replacement who has a sharp pair of scissors and a bad attitude. No matter what you suggest: "what do you think of bangs?" she puts her hand on her hip, rolls her eyes, and gets a look like she's waiting for the dryer to come to a complete stop. Even when you notify her that she just cut off your earlobe, she insists that the resulting look is "modern and fun" and stems the flow of blood by applying a "very popular" holding gel. Whatever you do, don't get a facial between the 9th and the 11th.

What's in your stars?

By Debra Victoroff

Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Yesterday at a family dinner my cousin Randy revealed that he's most excited about my upcoming wedding. I was pleased, but then Randy explained what it was that made him so happy: my bridesmaids. He has a bet going with his friends that he can bed two bridesmaids for the price of nothing (open bar, I should've gone the tacky cash route). Worst of all, my wedding is at a well-known hotel, so there will be plenty of room (pun intended) for Randy to revel in. Randy is a charming guy who has done modeling! He is extremely photogenic! He's about to ruin my wedding!

RANDY TOO HANDY (Pun Intended)

FULL STORY

By Mags & Dags

Recipes to Keep You Svelte All Summer Long!

In light of the approaching summer season, it is very likely that you are

horribly overweight. If you wish to pretend that it's a matter of some uncertainty, then you may take our infallible Polka Dot Bikini Test before moving on to our delicious recipes.

1. Measure the width of one of the polka dots on your bikini bottom. Be sure of absolute accuracy!

2. Pull on bikini bottom.  Let us just point out that, at this juncture, if your bikini bottom doesn't slip down to your ankles of its own accord, you are already on shaky ground.

3. Now measure the EXACT polka dot you measured before struggling to pull your bikini bottom over those undulating thighs.

4. Note that the polka dot has almost certainly expanded beyond its original width, and you have just wasted everyone's precious time. Now get to work!

Full Story>>

By Kate Heidel

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60, rue de Varenne: Postcard from Paris

Springtime in Paris. The daffodils, roses, magnolias and linden trees simply bursting with heavenly colours and smells make April in Paris so perfect that not even an attentive and loving husband could ruin it. It reminds me of the first enchanted spring days of my childhood at La Paumardiere, when I used to watch my father caring for the horses, rams and bulls, and I'd hop up and down like a little bunny and beg "Papa, please let me use the emasculator." And it has been a stellar time for France, with victories at home-Nicolas' triumph over a creepy foreign enemy at the National Livestock Show (Foreign Enemy: "Don't touch me, you soil me when you do." Nicolas, ever the grand statesman: "So get lost, mother f%cker." (www.youtube.com/watch)-and abroad: after conquering America with an Oscar, we conquered England with a brilliant visit in late March, and I haven't felt such a bounce in my step since last year's fashion week in Paris when I saw American Vogue editor Anna Wintour's ten-foot black pashmina get caught under the revolving door at the Ritz and watched her being dragged around repeatedly to bloodied unconsciousness before finally being spewed out onto the place Vendôme during the garbage strike and I rushed to her and said "Why bangs?"

FULL STORY

By Loulou de la Paumardiere

The Godmother: Advice from Donna Corleone

Dear Madrone,

I am a guy. I want you to explain women. I was at Costco, stocking up on necessities, by which I mean the economy pack of TP- 1000 sheets, $5.99, unbelievable bargain, when this young lady about my age passes by me, gives me the once over and rolls her eyes. A seriously negative roll. From one to ten, if one was Hey sweetface and ten was Get the tongue depressor ready, this was an eight. I was disturbed and insulted. Here I am minding my own business, I do not deserve the hairy eyeball. What ails her? Tidy, Bowling Green

FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Bongiorno Monk

How to Increase Your Four-Year-Old's Attention Span

Attention Deficient Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) seems to be running

rampant, tearing the limbs off Barbie dolls and smashing its toy cars against the wall, within our pre-school population these days. Doctors, psychologists and educators are so darn quick to recommend medications for this problem. But any savvy mother can calm her four-year-old and increase his attention span the natural way, without spending her hard-earned pennies from her part-time job at Hooters to buy Ritalin for her child.

FULL STORY>>

By "Dr." Patricia V. Davis

Last Issue

March Predictions: Horoscopes For All the Goddesses That We Are

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)
This month finds you laid up with a back injury you suffer twisting into a pretzel trying to identify what it is that's so itchy on the back of your thigh. Why bother to look at those things - they'll only depress you anyway? Especially when you find out it's tattoo and you have no idea how it got there. Super-especially when you find out it's a tattoo of Justin Timberlake and you're not even sure who he is. The stars suggest you watch where you sit in the future.

JUNO - the One Who Says She's Happily Married (April 20-May 20)
April showers bring May flowers but right now all you can think about is how can someone collect 18 umbrellas, none of which work. The last time you went out with one and tried to open it, the top disengaged from the handle, shot across the intersection and almost impaled some guy who was trying to put money in the parking meter. The time before that, your umbrella opened into a flat surface like a huppa and a passing rabbi started to perform wedding vows with you and a nearby linden tree. Next time try a beach umbrella. You might still get wet, but there's always the chance you'll meet a lifeguard.

What's in your stars?

By Debra Victoroff

Bride Dish with Mags & Dags

DEAR MAGS/DAGS: Yesterday at a family dinner my cousin Randy revealed that he's most excited about my upcoming wedding. I was pleased, but then Randy explained what it was that made him so happy: my bridesmaids. He has a bet going with his friends that he can bed two bridesmaids for the price of nothing (open bar, I should've gone the tacky cash route). Worst of all, my wedding is at a well-known hotel, so there will be plenty of room (pun intended) for Randy to revel in. Randy is a charming guy who has done modeling! He is extremely photogenic! He's about to ruin my wedding!

RANDY TOO HANDY (Pun Intended)

FULL STORY

By Mags & Dags

Don't Just Dump Your Man -- Recycle Him!

These days there's no excuse for going anywhere but Green, and that includes getting rid of those out-of-date men you've got lying around. Battery dead on the big dud? Overweight and simply denting the couch? Well sure, get rid of him, but think of Mother Earth first! Not only will you be doing your part to keep the planet safe from your toxic waste-of-space, but some options even get you a little green of another sort, that is if you recycle your man the Happy Woman way!!

Goodwill

This classic donation site may not give you cash on the spot, but think of tax time, because donations at Goodwill are tax deductible -- just be sure to ask for a receipt!

Full Story>>

By Kate Heidel

From Primping to Pimping

How dare that pinch-nosed harridan behind the Chanel counter scissor through your MasterCard? It was only an innocent lunch-break browse. Now, you must slink back to the office pale-mouthed and blotchy-eyed, all the while wondering if you can live on packets of discount Ramen until next payday.

What's a lady in such straits to do? Why, become a lady of the night, of course. This classic entrepreneurial job offers a most graceful solution to your difficulties. There's no need to feign shock; you've been mistaken for that sort often enough. Why not start getting the respect that members of the oldest profession deserve?

FULL STORY>>

By Jessica Becht

Best Foot Forward

To those of a certain age, being openly boastful about one's abilities may be perceived in a negative light. They were raised to believe, "If you have to toot your own horn, it doesn't need tooting." Well, stand up Satchmo and show your style, your flair, your outstanding abilities. Are you tops in butter churning? Well, don't let your Amish background prevent you from churning with glee. Is hopscotch your secret weapon? It's not just for the pig-tailed set. You're Number One, even though it's not technically possible for everyone to be the best simultaneously in the same area of distinction. Forget the math-based quibbles and show off.

The only thing stopping you from achieving outstanding recognition for your special talent is the occasional misstep, such as wearing tap shoes to clogging camp. We are all flawed, and yet all wonderful, so every wonderful person makes mistakes. The best examples come from real life, so here are actual fabulous people momentarily slipping into the abyss of embarrassment. These achievers lived to tell the tale, which additionally makes them superlative in the field of bitter truth.

FULL STORY>>

By Pamela Miller

HW RERUN: Premenstrual Easter Decorating With Dust Bunnies!

60, rue de Varenne: Postcard from Paris

The 'Science' Behind Rest and Relaxation

Become a Happy Woman!

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