Your Guy's Most Secret Thoughts!

What is he really thinking when you are together? We asked four men to give us a boo into their brains!

 

By Sharon Grehan-Howes

 

John

 

Whenever I go to a wedding I always find myself wondering how hot the groom must be in his tux. I wonder why the minister always needs to hold a book because you'd think he'd have it memorized by now unless he's new. I wonder how they train a new minister. Do they have an old minister stand by and correct you if you say something stupid like mix up Judas for Jesus?

 

I sometimes wonder how much it would cost to heat a church and whether or or not I could stand living with such high ceilings. I try to figure out how much paint you'd need to do the ceiling and wonder if you'd have to build a scaffold or if you could rent one. If you built one then you'd have it again if you ever needed to repaint but where would you keep it?

 

I then figure out if you had a church you'd probably have room for a pretty big garage so there would be lots of room for stuff like scaffolding and you could put plywood across the scaffold and use it for shelves when you aren't using it for painting.

 

I could probably get a motorcycle and put spare parts on the scaffold. I'd put it at one end and I'd have a workbench at the other end. I'd get a fridge, a comfy chair and a radio and put them in the middle.

 

I sometimes wonder what the bridesmaid looks like naked but it depends on the wedding.

 

Michael

 

After we make love and my wife is snuggled up next to me, she usually asks me what I'm thinking. I used to say nothing but I realized that's the wrong answer so I tell her I'm thinking about her. What I'm usually thinking about though, is a ham sandwich.

 

Not the plastic kind of ham but the good meaty kind of ham the kind you get at Christmas. I picture a huge Kaiser roll smothered in hot mustard with a very small layer of butter, sometimes I put lettuce on it but not always, I plop a nice big hunk of Swiss on it and finish it off with a slice of beefsteak tomato.

 

I imagine myself washing this down with a nice cold beer while sitting on the porch watching the guys across the street doing construction. I think of how cool it would be to be paid to smash things with a hammer. I wonder if you get really good at it if they give you a nickname like Demolition Man. I try to remember if there was a Demolition Man superhero and then I wonder what happened to my old comic books and if they'd be worth something today. Then I wonder what kind of sandwiches the constructions guys have then I start thinking of the ham sandwich again.

 

 

Gregory

 

When we go furniture shopping, I think of the couch I would design if I had the time. It would be big and soft, long enough to stretch out on without my feet hanging over the edge. It would have a beverage holder and a remote built into the arm. If I put it on wheels I could rig up some kind of pulley so that I could wheel my way over to the bathroom or the kitchen.

 

I'd have a phone installed and the fabric would be soft but coated with a material that would make stains slip off it. Like silicone or Teflon. I wonder if I had a Teflon suit if I would keep slipping off seats or do they have a bit of a tread.

 

When the salesman starts talking I usually wonder how much a job like that pays and how much commission he is getting. While she's talking to him about material and sage green I wonder what ever happened to corduroy and what is a sage. I find myself thinking about Kung Fu and wondering if I could take David Carradine in a fight now that he's an alcoholic. I think of how cool it would be just traveling from town to town and then I wonder whatever happened to hobos who used to ride the rails. I think about how I'd get a dog if I was a hobo.

 

They start talking about flame retardants I wonder how long it would take the place to burn up if there was ever a fire and then I wonder about how much insurance they must pay.

 

Gary

 

Whenever my wife and I have "a talk" my first reaction is to run through the week and find out what I did wrong.

 

When I have it narrowed down to three she usually finds something that I didn't even think of. While she tells me about how I embarrassed, humiliated or hurt her I try to figure out ways of fixing it.

 

When she rejects all my suggestions I try figure out how she expects to sort things out when she won't let me fix anything so I end up just nodding a lot and wondering how big a thing this is on a scale of one to ten.

 

I notice that when she is in earnest her head goes up and down a lot like the dog we used to have in our 72 Chevy. I wonder what happened to that dog and try to remember if it had eyes that worked like brake lights or if they were just glass. Then I try to remember if we got the Country Squire right after the Chevy and then I wonder why they put fake wood paneling on it. I think of all the seating the Country Squire had with the jump seat and I try to figure out how many of my friends could fit in it now.

 

©2000-2001Sharon Grehan www.happywomanmagazine.com