A Very Merry E-Mas

 

by Claire Zulkey

 

 

We've all been in that scenario. You spend minutes, even hours, thinking of the perfect holiday gift for someone, but instead of a look of delight and wonder, you are rewarded with a wan smile, a look of confusion, or even an expression of anger.

 

"Wow, control-top pantyhose. Um, thanks."

 

"Kleenex. And to think, I bought you something cold and impersonal, from Tiffany's."

 

"What is this?"

 

People can be so ungrateful.

 

So why waste your time out and about? Believe it or not, you can actually brighten somebody's holidays using the "Inter-Net." All it takes is a little investigation, and you'll be able to make somebody's holidays merry with a few clicks of the "mouse"!

 

E-CARDS

 

Stop spending money on postage! People don't like receiving Christmas cards anyway; much precious time is wasted on opening envelopes, plus, they can cause those darned paper cuts. However, you can send "electronic" holiday cards! Several websites let you send "virtual" cards, where you pick the design, write a personalized message to somebody, and send it to them! In fact, many of these "e-cards" are even superior to the "snail mail" version-some feature adorable animation and fun music! Remember, however: this only works with people who have email accounts.

 

FLOOZ

 

We're not really sure what this is, but we know that it has to do with computers and that Whoopi Goldberg endorses it, so it must be good. If your recipient seems confused with this gift, simply offer the explanation above. Plus, it's a funny word. Try saying it out loud. Flooz!

 

COUPONS

 

Give the gift of saving money this holiday! Go sign up for the newsletters at the websites of your favorite retailers, and soon you'll be rewarded with exclusive coupons and offers from these stores. Forward these along to your best friends with a cheery "Hope you enjoy this wonderful discount, and happy New Year!" message. Not only can they purchase what they really want for themselves, they can do it at 15% off! Your friends will never forget you.

 

FORWARDS

 

One thing people love in equal measures: inspiration and good-old-fashioned fun! When you receive email "forwards" from friends, don't simply print them up and put them on your refrigerator; 'recycle' them as Christmas gifts! Whether you send an hilarious list of ways you know you are going through menopause, an inspirational message of hope from a sweet little boy suffering from cancer, or a mysterious Chinese 'fortune' detailing someone's personality style, your loved ones will appreciate this bit of "Minestrone soup for the soul."

 

ADD THREE INCHES TO YOUR HAMMER

 

You never know how often emails offers like this will come around, but when they do, forward them to all your acquaintances for that personal yet practical email gift. Who wouldn't want a larger, firmer hammer for a reasonable price? Perfect for all your holiday crafts!

 

Also, apparently, soon you will be able to purchase actual materials from the Internet and have them sent to your friends' homes. More to come on this as information becomes available.

 

 

 

 

© 2002 Claire Zulkey

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

 

Claire Zulkey lives in Chicago and would very much like a patron or sugar daddy or something. She has been published on McSweeney's Internet Tendency and Modern Humorist. She would be mighty pleased if you stopped by her site, www.zulkey.com. Here is a terrible joke as your reward for reading this entire bio: Q. Want to hear my impression of Elizabeth Taylor? A. I think she's pretty nice