 |
|---|
 |
The lunch apron is a quieter, less playful apron. It says, "I'm ready for a nap." Small prints are fine, but be sure to choose eye-soothing colors such as pale blue or dark green. If your midday apron should have animated lunch foods be sure their eyes are half-closed. They might also be propped against a large sleepy-faced clock to further emphasize the point of impending nap time.
Advice for the Modern Street Busker
Street busking is an admirable occupation that looks good on a resume. Anyone who suggests, no matter how truthful it may be, that you can not hold down a regular job, is woefully unaware of your resourcefulness of character and unique talents. By talent I mean something to do with the arts. A talent predicting which streetcar is full, or when your pasta is al dente is not suitable.
Only thirteen of the protein shake cows made it to day eight. By day four, 50% were wearing belted trousers ranging from two to four sizes too small and tucking in their lycra tops to show off their new figures. By day six, 90% had bleached their hair and run off with new studs they had met online. By all accounts, Dr. Sventhinski and staff cannot recommend the powdered drink mixes to any creature, much less humans, with taste buds or taste for that matter. In any case, the weight loss was questionable. When the wayward cattle sent in before and after photos, the only differences noted by Dr. Sveltendski's staff were the now smiling expressions and the flexed abdominal muscles.
Cruise Couture
Traditionally, the pinnacle of your shipboard wardrobe would be a formal evening ensemble. Clad in finery, old-fashioned cruisers commemorated the final night of their journey with a Captain's Dinner. Before fretting that Wal-Mart lacks an evening gown department, remember that the concept of formality has grown slack as a beer-swiller's belly in recent years. While "white tie" once decreed tiaras and tailcoats, nowadays such dictums may be flouted in favor of barefaced sloth. No need to invest in a fuddy-duddy gown when your trusty sweats can be gussied up with a Be-Dazzler and some subtle alterations to the neckline. Such expansive attire will accommodate your dessert bar dabblings, and prove practical for after-dinner dancing, when you can look forward to a rousing conga line rather than executing dull, outdated tangos and fox trots.
Day in the Life of Martha Stewart
4:00 Wake up, dress (note to self: buy more blue shirts).
4:10 Spray bangs.
4:45 Bang pots to wake up roosters.
5:00 Workout. Treadmill, 3 mile run, 350 sit ups 212 push-ups.
5:12 Mow 153 acres with power mower, fix transmission.
Celine Dion Pumpkin Stencil
What youngster wouldn't appreciate a toothsome treat from a house that featured this long-chinned lovely?
Pumpkin Carving Tools
 |
|---|
Carving Your Pumpkin
1. Print out the stencil. If you have a very large pumpkin you might want to enlarge the drawing. If you have a very tiny pumpkin you might want to reduce the size of the drawing. If you don't have a pumpkin you don't need a pumpkin stencil, you need a pumpkin.
2. Tape the stencil to your pumpkin (sticky side down)
DIY: Human Cloning
What to do first.
Fast Food Weight Loss Challenge
Week One: So far so good! I found the tacos filling and satisfying. I had one for breakfast, one for lunch, one for dinner and one as a snack! A part of me feels like a naughty schoolgirl for being able to eat all this goodness!
Week Two: The lack of variety is getting to me so I change things around by leaving lettuce out of one and tomatoes out of another. The customer service reps won't do this for you, you have to do it yourself. Even though I come in three times a day and ask for exactly the same thing they never get the order right. So God forbid they should help me.
Week Three: I drank four packets of hot sauce just to see if my tongue still works.
Funeral Etiquette Dos & Don'ts
Don't attend funerals of people you don't know.
Don't try to outdo the family's grief.
Don't use the occasion to "schmooze".
Don't ask for "just a peek-a-doodle" if it is a closed casket.
Get in Shape with Ballroom Dancing
The Waltz
This is one of the all time great warm up routines. By doing the box step you will be up and tripping the light fantastic after only one easy lesson.
The gentleman steps forward with the left foot then asks the lady for a dance. She turns slightly and answers, "No!" He shifts his weight; steps back with his right foot and closes his feet to the starting position as he makes his way back to the stag line. He sits down and tries to look cool. This part alone can induce a participant to easily sweat off four or five pounds.
Giddy Over Girdles!
The Mallomar and cigarette diet has forsaken you, just like all the others, leaving you as paunchy, cellulite-pocked, and bloated as at the launch of your latest regime. You seethe bitterly. The women of your grandmother's generation maintained lithe figures despite gorging on butter pats, hollandaise sauce, and quivering coconut cream pies set in tender lard crusts. Did they have a secret? Indeed they did. It was called a "girdle".
Perhaps the name of this special item rings familiar? It's time to yank one on, tubby. Yes, you. However, before investing in the industrial-strength corsetry you will surely require, you may want to study up on constricting undergarments. You will likely need an assortment of girdles to address varied figure flaws, from thunder thighs to a waistline of dimensions more usual to livestock.
In the 1950's it was easy to tell if you had been on a date. If you were a boy, you had lipstick on your collar and felt like you'd scored the winning goal, only better. If you were a girl, you had a crumpled pinafore and thoughts about what colour he will decorate the nursery when you're married.
Nowadays, relationships between and even within the sexes are more complicated. We live in a world of post-modern rainbow sexuality in which everything is fluid and provisional. In many ways things are better now, especially for the girls who used to put lipstick on the collars of boys who would rather be riding bare back with John Wayne; and for the boys who used to crumple the pinafores of girls who would rather be out crumpling some other girl's pinafore.
Kidney Theft: How Safe Are You?
Let's be honest. When is the last time you gave your kidneys (or for that matter any other internal organ) a second thought?
If you answered "Never." You are not alone. In a recent poll conducted by our janitorial staff we discovered that most citizens of North America, Western Europe and parts of Australia tend to take their kidneys for granted. An astounding 93%percent of us expect our organs to work when needed and when we go out for an evening we expect to wake up with them intact.
However a brand new kind of thief is changing all that.
Organ harvesters have been targeting men and women all over the world. These thieves dope their unsuspecting victims and then sell their organs, most commonly kidneys on the black market where a kidney can command up to $10,000.
Kidney theft is one of the leading causes of death in kidney-less people. It is one of the fastest rising crimes in history according to an email we received Tuesday from dave@nospam. Not only does it leave the victim without kidneys it also leaves the victim feeling ashamed and violated.
Knit 1 Backlist 4
Gonna Sell My Crap on eBay: A Story of Survival
In our increasingly genericized world where we're expected to buy more and more prefabricated objects, this story of a man who not only knits his own stuff but actually supports himself by selling it on eBay will inspire you. Readers of the survival genre already know Zane Stewart's work. He has recounted his previous tests of the limits of human endurance in "The Yes I Can Series: Sue Your Teacher!" and "The Lazybones Guide to Staying Healthy on a Daily Bus Ride Full of the Working Tubercular." As from his other books, the reader will receive vicarious thrills on almost every page, from the breathtaking description of how he piqued bidder interest in his signature piece, the "Single Color Fair Isle," to the victorious ending, when Stewart discovers making a profit is as easy as inflating his shipping prices.
Leaving the House: The Jane Smith Story
Jane Smith is a 30-year-old woman still living under her parents' roof. Because they have provided for her since infancy, she has not left the house since graduating from high school, reassured by her parents that there is nothing of value beyond their white picket fence. However, after spending an evening at home with her high school friends (who are all college alumnae), she decides that she wants to step outside the confines of her childhood home and experience adulthood.
What follows is a terrifying portrait of the risk a woman takes when she attempts to assert her independence. As Jane's hand reaches for the brass doorknob, we feel her sense of terror as the wind, the demonic respiration of the "outside" world, pushes the hair from her face. Within minutes, she is exposed to pathogens, carcinogens, evil men (one whom she marries that very night on a whim, and another who stalks her), and identity thieves lurking in the background every time she enters a store to purchase business attire.
BACK
Raising Your Ungifted Child
The world abounds with resources for nurturing the overbearing talents of the gifted child or, conversely, the "slow" child. If you had the good fortune to spawn a prodigy, endless learning centers and mentors spring from nowhere to exploit your child's talent while bringing it to fruition, doubtlessly garnering themselves and you a mountain of lucre in the process. If, on the other hand, your child is seriously learning-disabled (as we politely call it these days), dozens of do-gooders will be more than happy to devote their boundless time and energy into molding your child into a productive member of society.
But what if you're not so lucky? What if your child falls in that daunting range of IQ between "dullard" and "average"? Not so stupid as to be learning-disabled, but certainly well below average, and nowhere within spitting distance of genius? Take heart; all is not lost. With a few well-thought-out strategies, you can transform your child's prospects from "Do you want fries with that?" to "Can I count on your support to make this season's charity ball is a success?"
Stalked By Santa, A Cautionary Tale About Dating Celebrities
I'd been a fan and admirer of Nick's since I was a little girl. I wrote him my first fan letter when I was, gosh, just five or six years old and wrote to him about once a year after that. Although he never wrote back, he'd always send me little presents on Christmas Day, which I thought was very considerate of him. Even though he showed me this attention, I believed in my heart-of-hearts that a big celebrity like Nick would never be seriously interested in a young girl like me from Truth-or-Consequences, New Mexico.
Supermodels Pick the Right Religion For You!
Ilize Bergeron: "I think religion is really important to keep your holy."
Ilize chose:
Buddhism
Ilize: I picked this because it is the hottest religion out there.
It is sufficiently mysterious that you could probably get days off work for religious holidays and you can make up whatever you want to win a debate with non Buddhists.I like the idea of meditating too because that's something I can do while I'm working instead of humming.
The downside : The reincarnation aspect. Since I'm wealthy attractive and happy in this life, I'm kinda scared of coming back next time as a leper or even worse, fat.
I hope that detachment from desire and the self doesn't mean no makeup. If it does I'll go the Catholic route.
To Breed or Not to Breed
So your marriage is falling apart?
Only a few years ago, swathed in polyester tulle, tipsy from the domestic "champagne", you were led by your new husband in your first dance as man and wife. Leering at you in his endearing way, he trod gently on your toes. Your eyes were full of hope and starlight.
Yet now that divorce lawyer with the flashy picture on the back of the phone book beckons to you in dreams. You are on your hands and knees, once again making room for your suitcase, as you scare up a retainer fee from the spare change on the floor of your sister's closet. Where did it all go wrong?
What To Do With All Those "Friends" Once You've Caught A Man
They call you in the middle of the night. They look at you with hungry eyes and slumping posture. They are pathetic. They are your friends. You, however, have been kissed by the arrow of cupid - and walk hand in hand with the handsomely strong man whom you love. Can't your friends be friends enough to see that you are too much in love to be bothered with their pettiness? What in this great green earth could be the motivation for these hangers on? A true friend would not keep interrupting your romantic bliss to remind you of the horrors of being single with phone calls to go places and do things. What for? You aren't shopping anymore. After a while it becomes obvious - they are after your man.