The Survivor Makeup Bag:

 

What One Makeup Item Would You Wrestle a Rat For? PART TWO

 

 

 

Day 19: Soon all those months of preparation are going to pay off. The nights at the gym, when I could have been home watching network TV, purging myself of cellulite and developing these fantastic abs. Those long Saturdays with my stylist, looking for do's and hair-care products that would withstand the scorching tropical sun. The lunch hours in the tanning booth. The Lean Cuisines scarfed in the elevator. The maxed-out credit cards. And the days and nights of shopping.

 

Searching, searching for the right tankini.

 

Day 20: When I win a million dollars, you will not catch me answering Dr. Yablonsky's phone or climbing 37 flights because the elevator is out or stealing office supplies or dealing with cranky sick people. No, sir. I will have a mansion and expensive furniture and a lawn-care service and two cars with vanity plates and other people to drive them for me. I will have catered gourmet food, a personal masseur, and designer clothes. A lap dog and a deluxe espresso maker.

 

And the million dollars is only the beginning. I will have radio and TV and women's magazine interviews and book offers. I might be invited to spend a week the Playboy mansion or star in a movie. Men will be lining up to date me. I will prove to everyone that I'm not just another piece of eye candy.

 

Day 21: Today our two tribes merged. I wore my floral triangle bikini for the occasion. We moved into the other tribe's condo, which is really nice after weeks in the lean-to. The name of our new tribe is Huis Clos. The Professor came up with it and it sounded trendy, so we all went along.

 

We got treemail inviting us to an immunity challenge. Now we are competing against one another instead of against another tribe. Whoever wins can wear the immunity talisman, a necklace that gives the person immunity from being voted off.

 

For this challenge, we had to solve a "connect the dots" puzzle. The Professor, of course, had his done in double time and won immunity. We Chi Hua Huas stuck to our plan and voted off an HK named Varma.

 

Day 22: Lafe asked to borrow my eyeliner pencil. Inspired by my victory in the rat challenge, he painted his face and went out to hunt wild truffles.

 

Unfortunately, he got waylaid by a band of cannibals and eaten, or at least that's what we heard. The Professor has spent a large part of his boring lifetime studying jungle drums. By the time the cameras got there we had raided his stuff. The Professor got his Reeboks. I got his whitening toothpaste.

 

Day 23: Chaz discovered that the colorful bead necklaces Serendipity had been wearing were really candy necklaces. An ugly scene ensued as the rest of us ripped the jewelry from her neck and scavenged on the ground for the broken pieces. But then an HK named Brent made the mistake of thinking Serendipity's healing crystals (her luxury item) were really rock candy and broke two teeth. Serendipity was ejected from the game for sneaking food.

 

Day 24: The Chi Hua Hua alliance held again today as we completed the treasure hunt immunity and reward challenge. We were each given a treasure map and had to hack our way through the jungle and along the shore to find our way to the treasure. None of us could figure out which way was north, south, east, or west except the Ice Princess, who used to be a Girl Scout. The treasure turned out to be Cheese Doodles, banana cream pies, and sports drinks, which the IP shared and we gratefully devoured. Then we all got together and voted off Brent.

 

Day 25: You really have to watch your step around here. I have never had to stay so well groomed in my life. You just get a little dirt under your nails and people will savage you. First it was an HK named Haley because she had some wild parsley between her teeth. Then Vendetta because of her runny mascara.

 

Day 26: Chaz found some trash washed up on the beach. It must have been dumped overboard by someone on a cruise boat. A Big Mac wrapper, cigarette butts, three packets of catsup, and some Twizzlers. We had a feast, passing the Big Mac wrapper from person to person to lick, eating ketchup soup, and roasting the Twizzlers over the fire. Then we got high smoking the cigarette butts.

 

Day 27: Today's immunity challenge set me head to head with the Ice Princess in a contest that tested our knowledge of designer footwear. The others quickly dropped by the wayside. What luck that I had spent so much time picking out ankle-strap sandals! I won immunity, and we voted Haley off the island.

 

Day 28: Woke up this morning to a magnificent sunrise of vivid reds and pinks and blues. I found myself contemplating the beauty of this island. The soft, sandy beaches. The exquisite palm trees. The glorious flowers. What does it matter if I win or lose as long as I have had the chance to experience all this wonder?

 

Spent the rest of the day plotting with Chaz and the Professor.

 

Day 29: An ugly day as Chaz revealed the IP's embarrassing childhood nickname as part of a reward challenge in which we were tested on how much we knew about our tribemates. He won an afternoon of jetskiing followed by a feast and chose me to come along. It was spectacular. We weren't supposed to go near the coral reefs but did and grounded ourselves and it was very tiresome sorting out about the damage we'd caused. We smuggled some spareribs and macaroons from the feast to give the others and spent a fantastic night together.

 

Day 30: I won immunity again in the Rope Bridge Over Quicksand challenge. We had to stand on this rope bridge and shake and twist it so the others fell off.

 

My kickboxing class really came in handy. Vendetta went first and then, surprisingly, Chaz. So it was the Ice Princess and me. I waited until the sun began to set. Then, as the IP was adjusting her footing, I turned my head slightly. My high-shine face powder blinded her, I gave a quick twist, and she fell in.

 

Of course, we voted the Ice Princess off. I will always remember the way she looked in that last tribal council, her precious dignity stripped away, so very tacky with all that quicksand in her hair.

 

Day 31: I don't think I could ever care for anyone as much as Chaz. It was love at first sight. Those baby-blue eyes, that blonde, curly hair. And I know he loves me just as deeply, too. Ah, paradise.

 

Day 32: The Professor is down with malaria and has to go. We will miss the way he explained to us how everything works. Too bad he didn't have my designer perfume with just a touch of DEET.

 

Day 33: In today's immunity challenge, we had to compose a haiku about our experience on the island. Chaz won. This is mine:

 

 

 

Sixteen sojourners

 

Battling for serious bucks.

 

The waves erase our footprints.

 

 

 

Vendetta's luxury item was her queen-sized support hose. She cut them up and we used them to fish. We caught a bunch and had our first decent meal in days. I have to admit it was heroic of her, as she walked around with her bulging veins, but we talked behind her back about how disgusting they looked and voted her off anyway. Day 34: This will be the shortest Survivor ever because so many of our tribal members have fallen by the wayside. Usually it goes to Day 39. But since there are just Chaz and me left, on Day 36 the seven most recently eliminated castaways will return to form the final tribal council and decide who will win.

 

Day 35: Chaz and I spent the day together exploring the beauties of this island and each other. We swore that we would be happy if either of us won. That we would devote the rest of our lives to cherishing what we have found together.

 

Day 36: The tribal council. My hands shaking, I pulled on the bathing suit that I had made for the occasion. It is a string bikini composed of pieces from clothing I had torn from other shoppers during Filene's Basement bargain days over the years. A symbol of my endurance. My spirit. My strength.

 

I worked my Power Play Pomade through my hair for that wild, dazzling look my stylist and I had hit on. And then, my makeup. My Nemia No-Lines Eye Balm and Sunkissed Dew Moisturizer. My Omnipotence Radiant Glow foundation. My Bathing Beauty Blush and Lip Service lip balm, pencil, and lipstick.

 

My Dark Magic mascara. My perfume, Jour Des Twits, $250 a half-ounce. And, of course, my super-soft eyeliner pencil.

 

Chaz was your basic resplendent hunk. He wore a cutaway string thong clearly designed to gain the women's vote.

 

A hush fell over the tribal council as we entered. There they were. The Ice Princess. Vendetta. The Professor (on the mend). Serendipity, Varma, Haley, and Brent.

 

Then it began. They fired questions at us. Chaz and I were working hard to undercut each other. They asked us each to make a statement as to why we should win. Chaz maundered on about his good looks, his contributions to the tribe, his plan to retire from lifeguarding and open a surfing, tanning, and poetry clinic, his need to buy valuable beachfront property, his grandmother who needed an operation.

 

But I had expected something like this and had prepared a little speech, when I was really supposed to be typing case histories in the office. I didn't talk about myself. I talked about America. How wonderful it was that we could meet here, people from all walks of life, most of us fairly good looking but not very smart, and have this opportunity to abase ourselves, to lie to and manipulate others, to sacrifice every principle we ever held or said we had held, to win a million dollars. It is the American dream, I said, writ large for all of us. We should be proud to have had this chance and to have played the game. Isn't that what it's all about in the end?

 

The Professor looked bored. But the others, even the Ice Princess, had tears in their eyes. Except that idiot Chaz who was glaring at me.

 

The votes were cast. They flew Jeff and me to the top of Mt. Rushmore to announce the verdict. C'est moi, c'est moi, c'est moi! Five votes to two, with this scrawl from the Professor, "She's the most made up of us all."

 

©2002 Elaine Langlois

 

NEXT MONTH IN "THE SKINNY:"

 

Your Best Friend. When to Ditch Her