EST. May 2000 (AD)


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How to Roast a Perfect Turkey

By Elizabeth Hanes

What You'll Need:

1. Rinse the turkey with cool water and pat dry. Make sure it is, in fact, a turkey and not, say, a pheasant or the next-door neighbor's poodle.

2. While grimacing, insert your hand inside the body cavity and remove the disgustingly slimy giblets (liver, heart and gizzard).

3. Place the giblets in the roasting pan to cook with the turkey. Later, you can mince them and offer them to someone you don't like. Tell them it's "pate."

4. Place the turkey in the roasting pan.

5. If you enjoy the company of your guests, spoon the stuffing lightly into the body cavity. If you can't abide the whole ruddy lot, are sick of their incessant whining and bickering year after year, and would prefer to poison them all in one fell swoop, then pack the stuffing in tightly. This will ensure the growth of lethal bacteria.

6. If you choose option number two for the stuffing, be sure to avoid eating any yourself.

7. Gently fold the neck skin flap under and secure it with toothpicks.

8. Draw the legs together and tie them with kitchen twine or old shoelaces.

9. Rub turkey breast with melted butter.

10. Place turkey (in roaster) in preheated 350F oven.

11. Every 30 minutes, baste by drawing a baster full of wine from the bottle and squirting it into your mouth. Swallow. Remind yourself never to host Thanksgiving dinner again.

12. Four hours later, check the turkey to see if it's done. Insert a meat thermometer into the thickest part of the thigh. When the temperature registers 180F, the turkey is done.

13. If your objective is to poison your dinner guests, skip step 12 and serve turkey after 3 hours.

14. Remove the turkey to a platter. Carve using a flexible knife OR, if you've overbasted, allow the host to carve in order to avoid hacking into the table, chairs, or Aunt Gertie's meaty forearm by mistake.

15. Enjoy!


©2001 Elizabeth Hanes All Rights Reserved