EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Tips To Avoid Holiday Dieting Pitfalls.

Cookies, candies, buffets, dinner parties, cocktail parties--how can anyone remain on a diet with all these temptations!

The best way to avoid the holiday pitfalls is to avoid the holiday but if you find it impractical to close the drapes and stay there until Jan. 2 then you will need some coping strategies.

Our solution? Misery loves company and if you're going down we suggest you take everyone else with you. Just because you have to suffer doesn't mean everyone else doesn't.

Some tips to help you:

-Buffets abound at holiday time. If possible, avoid them completely. Moderation is a word invented by the food/tobacco/liquor manufacturers so they won't go to prison. Why should you nibble a miserable carrot from a groaning board of delectable edibles while your plump pals pleasantly put away the pie?

Discourage others from indulging at the buffet. Take control. Replace the canapés with rice cakes and the goat cheese dip with fat-free yogurt and slices of celery. Set a conspicuous example. Jog in place next to the plates and do abdominal presses in front of the cassoulet.

-Keep a pound of chicken fat in a Baggie so that everyone knows what a pound of fat looks like.

-Tsk loudly and shake your head when looking at someone's plate.

-If you are invited to a dinner party and the host is serving a high calorie dinner there isn't much you can do as far as substitutions. Refuse to eat a morsel, but carefully watch what others are eating. An incredulous "Are you going to eat all that?!" is very effective especially combined with a lecture on nutrition and a wallet sized photo of a fat-clogged artery.

At the end of the meal tell each diner the amount of calories they consumed in that sitting. Chronic dieters are expert mathematicians. You will ruin their dinner but they will certainly will respect your mental agility.

-At the office party, sip sparkling mineral water with a slice of lemon. Criticize the people that are drinking, refuse to drive them home and snap photos all evening. Telephone them the next morning to tell them how ridiculous they looked, how great you felt when you woke up and how awful the photos are.

-If you receive an edible gift for the holidays you must appreciate the gift for what it really is: An attempt by a dark underlord to undermine your efforts. Make an example of the thoughtless person by picking up the cake/fudge/cookies with two fingers. Take it to the sink and douse it in lighter fluid. After the treat has burned for a few minutes put out the blaze with tap water, place it on the floor, stamp on it then shove it down the garburator. If you don't have a garburator open your front window and heave the offending sweet out of it. Then, thank the person for the present.

Staying on a diet at the best of times is tough but it is positively grueling during the holiday season.With these simple tips not only will you be able to shed the pounds that have been ruining your life, you can take comfort in the fact that you weren't the only one who had a lousy time.

Happy Holidays!


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