EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Thanksgiving Quiz: What's Your Wishbone Personality?

By Christina Delia

Every family has one -if not twelve -The Wishbone Warrior. Take this Thanksgiving Quiz to find out which end of the bone you're on!

1.) The wishbone is

a. Some kind of dog librarian thing

b. A beautiful symbol showing that even after Turkey Death, the spirit of Thanksgiving lives on.

c. Your Cousin Mindy's pet name for her new boyfriend's... area.

2.) Traditionally, holding the larger end of the wishbone

a. Is like catching the bouquet complete with jealous glares and " I so hate you" side commentary.

b. Means that maybe, just maybe, this year will be worth something.

c. Results in Cousin Mindy missing her flight Pittsburgh.

3.) During an entertaining pre-dinner game of "Pictionary" you are most likely to sketch:

a. Flowers, rainbows, smiley people and other easy stuff

b. A wishbone frolicking with other wishbones in Wishbone County, population 7,000 wishbones.

c. A courtroom scene with Cousin Mindy on trial for Obscenity.

4.) The Thanksgiving Blessing is the one time where your entire Family gathers together and expresses what each individual is most Thankful for. When it is your turn to tell, you

a. Declare your fondest thanks for the Comedy Central network. Without which, your level of sanity would surely deteriorate.

b. Grunt. Woman need wishbone.

c. Say that you are most thankful for Cousin Mindy being seated at the farthest end of the table from you- no wait! You were just kidding and did not at all mean to say that aloud. You meant to say that you are most thankful for, erm…Togetherness! (nice save!)

5.) Your holiday host has carelessly discarded the turkey carcass without bothering to salvage the coveted wishbone. You

a. Laugh at your family of whining fools going into Wishbone Withdrawal.

b. Dive into the trash headfirst, paying no heed to the gravy dripping off the end of your nose. The phrase "The one that got away" means nothing to you, and unlike your ex-fiancé it's physically impossible for this turkey to file a restraining order.

c. Have no idea. You are too busy keeping track of Cousin Mindy's ever-expanding list of monikers for her man. Let's see, there's Honeyed Ham Holder and Cranberry Manberry and Yam Crammer and you are now thoroughly nauseous.

6.) Your brother has brought his hot roommate to dinner. Though sexy, this guy is a vegetarian and might not appreciate watching you pulverize the remains of one of his animal friends. You

a. Drunkenly chastise him for hypocritically drinking "Wild Turkey" until he breaks down and cries. This is what Thanksgiving is all about!

b. Try to convince him that the wishbone is akin to a fat-covered four-leaf clover. When that doesn't work, you go door to door, collecting wishbones from the neighbors in an attempt to craft a wishbone necklace as a trinket of affection for this new, bewildered love.

c. ell Cousin Mindy to stop groping her Love Shovel and pass the peas.

7.) You love your family, you do, but you find yourself lunging across the table when

a. Yet another "How Many Pilgrims Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?" joke is made. Pilgrims? Electricity? Nonsense!

b. The wishbone is dismissed as "unsanitary superstition". Them's fightin' words!

c. Cousin Mindy makes inappropriate allusions to bread stuffing

8.) Dinner is over and dessert is on the table. The most important thing to remember at this time is

a. Family photographs make excellent holiday greeting cards/dart boards.

b. Do not lose sight of the wishbone. If this means using it as a coffee stirrer, then so be it.

c. Cousin Mindy comes but once a year! Oh wait- that reminds you! Crap! There's Christmas to contend with, too.

If you scored:

Mostly A's

You are: Normal or switched at birth or talk show bait... whatever you prefer.

Mostly B's

You are: A Turkey Jerky- What's your problem anyway? Why don't you devote this much attention to something that could actually get you somewhere... like mistletoe.

Mostly C's

You put: Family First- Who the hell is Cousin Mindy?

©2004 Christina Delia


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Christina Delia is a freelance writer of humorous essays, screenplays, and poetry. She likes her problems rare and her men well done.

Contact Christina Delia ( replace x with @ before sending.)