EST. May 2000 (AD)


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Enjoy the holiday without gaining a pound!

By Sheri Zollinger

Thanksgiving. The day when we get together with family and friends to share a meal and express gratitude for our blessings. Sure, it sounds nice in theory, but in truth this holiday was invented by Satan himself for the express purpose of making you fat!

It's a well-known fact that the average person gains ten pounds on Thanksgiving-and that's just from the cranberry jelly! Sure, some people will tell you that it's just one day, and the calories consumed actually mean little when balanced by what you eat during the rest of the year. But those people are at least size sixes, so who cares what they think!

So, to help you survive this terrible day without becoming as big as a balloon in the Macy's Day parade, here are some tips:

1. Eat nothing for the entire two days before Thanksgiving to prepare yourself spiritually for the temptation you are about to face. Sure, this means that by dinnertime you will be so hungry that you would kill your sister for the buttered roll in her hand-but if you DO happen to fall into a starvation-induced coma and eat half the turkey, a whole pan of candied yams, and an entire pie, the calories won't count, because you were unconscious. Likewise if you do happen to kill your sister.

2. Make and take a special dish that you can eat without fear of being poisoned by actual food molecules. Here's one I found at the Weight Haters site:

Waldorf Salad

Peel 4 apples. Discard the apples and shred the peel into confetti. Add 1 stalk of celery, sliced into tiny bits.

Throw in one raisin. Throw it out again. Toss with a dressing composed of 1 tablespoon lemon juice, one packet of Equal, and a half-cup of white acrylic paint. Serves 18.

3. Be prepared to deal with those people determined to sabotage your healthy eating plan. Maybe it's your frail, white-haired grandmother who will try to guilt you into trying "just a bite" of her green bean casserole by telling you that she made it just for you, and it's her dying wish that you try it. That makes no difference-remember, she's trying to ruin your life! When she stoops to serve you some, suddenly knock the serving dish from her hand, sending it flying across the room (and flinging globs of beans and goop all over your assembled relatives), and shout "No means no!" Hey, you'd do it she were peddling dope, and really, isn't this WORSE than dope?

4. Have Thanksgiving at your house. Lace every dish with nutritious locusts, grubs, and mealworms (available in fine gourmet shops and pet stores). You will not be tempted to eat a even a taste of anything. Everyone will marvel at your will power.

5. Use smaller dishes to make your portions look larger, thus psychologically tricking you into feeling full. Try a dinner plate from Barbie's Dream House-one grape and you'll be stuffed!

6. Experts say you should shift the focus of the day from food to interacting with friends and loved ones. You know, use your mouth for talking instead of eating. But you should get to have SOME food-related fun this day, so talk about what other people are eating. Tell Sis that you really admire her for being comfortable enough with her matronly figure to have two servings of mashed potatoes. When Uncle Harry grabs another glass of eggnog, kindly ask him if he's trying for his third bypass operation or just wants to take over Cousin Lester's role as the family drunk. Quiz ten-year-old Sally on the calorie counts of everything on her plate-never too soon to get her started on that eating disorder!

Eventually somebody will shove a drumstick into your mouth just to get you to shut-up, but since they made you eat, once again the calories won't count.

By using these suggestions you should have a memorable holiday without becoming a blimp (and with the added benefit of making everybody else feel bad about their own disgusting face-stuffing). Just make sure to take home plenty of leftovers to eat later-after all, who deserves them more than you?

©2002 Sheri Zollinger



Sheri Zollinger, along with Scott Clevenger, is the author of SUBLIMINAL CINEMA: LIFE LESSONS FROM LOUSY MOVIES, a book which presents the profound and life-altering lessons to be gleaned from movies like "Batman & Robin" and "Driven," as well as the expert relationship advice to be found in films such as "Coyote Ugly" and "Glitter." She lives alone with her cats.

Send your comments to Sheri


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