HAPPY WOMAN MAGAZINE - A PARODY OF WOMEN'S MAGAZINES

Office Holiday Party Do's and Don'ts

By Elizabeth Hanes

Each year the dilemma arrives wrapped as a colorful flyer adorned with crappy clip art, created by an overworked fellow employee who long ago ceased to care. It's the invitation to your company's holiday party.

All the office advice gurus say attendance at the office holiday party is mandatory, not optional. After all, you've invested too much time and effort climbing the corporate ladder to risk looking tacky for snubbing the pathetic, grudging attempt your company makes once a year to look as if they appreciate you.

So how should you behave once you get there? This simple list of dos and don'ts will help you maximize your office party experience this holiday season.

Don't bare your cleavage or wear suggestive clothing - unless your boss has previously shown a sexual interest in you AND you have a typed statement authorizing a 15% raise in salary for yourself, which you can get him to sign after he's had a little more to drink and gotten a gander of your silken orbs.
Don't give a gag gift in the office gift exchange, unless it's a really hilarious looking sex toy.
Don't drink until you're drunk. Your superiors will notice (and frown on) your repeated trips to the cash bar. Instead, do your drinking beforehand and show up already drunk.
Don't gossip or get too personal in your conversations, unless you know for a fact the frilly pink underpants you found in the boss's desk drawer really belong to him.
Do take an interest in others, especially those you don't know well, by listening to their stories and trumping them with your own. Also, use this time to lecture co-workers you've never met before on how to solve all their department's problems.
Do keep one hand free to offer a handshake. You can accomplish this by grasping your buffet plate, napkin and drink glass all in your left hand. Alternatively, you can balance your drink glass on top of your head.
Do remain standing as much as possible, as it makes you look more approachable and demonstrates to your superiors that you're not falling-down drunk yet.
Do bring plenty of rum or vodka to surreptitiously spike the eggnog bowl.
Do conceal a tiny spy camera on your person to capture everyone's hilarious drunken antics for inclusion on the traditional "year in review" video shown to stockholders at the annual meeting.

Above all, remember: it may be an office event, but it's still a PARTY! Don't be afraid to let your hair down and show your wild side. The stockholders will thank you for it next spring.

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