Diary of Mrs. Claus
By Sharon Grehan-Howes
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December 1
Same thing every year. I don't know why he insists on leaving everything until the last minute. It's certainly not as if they change the date each year. I get so sick of him running around in a panic. Perhaps if he spent a little less time golfing and a little more time working he wouldn't be in this predicament but he doesn't listen. Sometimes I feel invisible. I understand his career means everything to him but I think our marriage is starting to suffer.
My yoga classes at the YMCA are going very well. They also are offening a class called "Buns and Tums" that I might join.
December 3
I found a diet in Good Housekeeping "Slim Down for the Season" and so far so good. I've lost two pounds this week!
For dinner tonight I prepared a chef salad with a vinegar and lemon dressing. Nick finished it without a word of complaint and I was delighted but I should have known better.
In the middle of the night I heard stirring and there he was sitting in the dark, stuffing himself. Honestly! The man has no self-control. He polished off a can of cocktail sausages and half a jar of olives. I was so angry.
I am very concerned about him. He's very flushed and short of breath. I took out his suit and it looks like I'm going to have to let it out at least three inches!
He says it's muscle, which is fine if he plans to lift the presents with his stomach.
December 5
Nick hired two new elves today as management consultants and he is very excited. Balthazar and Roofie used to work at Keebler and are proponents of the "Force Field Analysis" technique. They've been studying the workshop all week and taking notes.
My muscles are aching but already I'm sure my bottom is firmer.
December 7
Well that's it. Rudolph just pawed through my flower bed. He has miles and miles of lichen around but he has to head straight for the tulips. It broke my heart to see all the bulbs uprooted. I confronted Rudolph and he denied it. He is such a liar.
December 10
The mailman was quite nasty this morning as he unloaded the bags I distinctly heard him say "you folks ever hear of email?" Well, he can mutter all he wants but let's see his face when it's time to tip.
I had my colours done and I was shocked to find out I was an Autumn! All these years I was sure I was a Winter.
December 12
What with my yoga classes and my reading group I just don't seem to have the time this year to bake. Nick considers himself a connoisseur of cookies which is a big laugh because the only thing he is discerning about is quantity. I put Oreos out on a tray and he didn't even know the difference.
I'm thinking of getting contacts.
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